Conversation on a Train
M: We have to kill Mary. How?
G: I know… in an AQUARIUM!!!
M: Oh, cool! But wouldn’t that break the glass and let the fish come pouring in on everyone?
G: Nah, never mind the glass. We’ll kill her in an aquarium, because we likened CAM to a shark, with cold, dead eyes!
M: OK. OK. This is great.
G: Who will shoot her?
M: Well, it would be great if John shot her to protect Sherlock from her assassinating ways!
G: Yeah, that would be cool, wouldn’t it? Imagine the guilt both John and Sherlock would feel over that. And it would settle the damned assassination subplot anyway. How can John be pleasantly married to someone who shot and killed Sherlock?
(Both grow quiet, pondering the unlikelihood of the marriage.)
M: What about the baby?
G: Well, obviously, we can’t have a baby on the show. Who would watch her when the boys went on their adventures?
M: Why did we add that subplot to TSOT?
G: I don’t remember. Well… anyway, we’ll write the baby off somehow.
(Tea service arrives; boys take a break.)
M: Now, where were we?
G: Killing Mary IN AN AQUARIUM!
M: Oh, yeah. Who will shoot her?
G: Um… I forget what we were saying. Um… how about… Hmm…
M: I know! Let’s make it a secretary from that secret group that Mycroft and Lady Alicia Smallwood belong to.
G: Lady Alicia? Isn’t it Elizabeth?
M: Is it? I don’t remember. We can look it up later.
G: OK… so the secretary… oh, I’ve got a great idea! What if the secretary is aiming for SHERLOCK, and Mary jumps in front of the bullet?!
M: Oh, man, that’s COOL! And then blood can like spurt out of the wound!
G: And Mary can have beautiful final conversations with John AND Sherlock and tell them both how wonderful they are.
M: Might it be biologically unlikely for a dying woman to have a conversation? When we wrote HLV, didn’t some medical person give us some advice about bullet wounds and shock and loss of consciousness?
G: Hmm… I don’t remember. Never mind for now. We can look it up later.
(Boys take a small nap.)
M: Mark! Mark! Wake up! I just had a cool dream.
G: What was it?
M: What if there is a SISTER! Sherlock and Mycroft have a SISTER!
G: Oh, cool. Let’s name her Eurus, like “East Wind.”
M: Eurus, yeah! Yeah! And maybe… is she a good sister who died tragically when they were young? Which caused Sherlock to close off his feelings and explains, a bit, why he devoted himself to logic and intellect?
G: No… too simple… let’s maker her EVIL. Like, super evil. Eviller than Moriarty!
M: Yeaaaaaah. Super Evil! And she’s a Holmes, so she has to be the smartest Holmes. And she can CONTROL PEOPLE WITH HER MIND!!!!
M & G: And WE CAN BUILD HER A FORTRESS PRISON ON A SCARY ISLAND!!!
(Several minutes of delighted cackling.)
M: So Eurus is in secret fortress prison, but… she can control people with her mind, so she can come and go whenever she wants.
G: She can flirt wtih John if she wears a red wig!
M: And she can hang out with Sherlock and eat chips if she wears a blonde wig!
G: And she can be John’s new therapist if she wears a gray wig! And John won’t recognize her because he’s a dumb fuck and she can CONTROL PEOPLE WITH HER MIND!!!
M: AND SHE CAN SHOOT JOHN!
G: OMG, this is SO FUCKING GOOD. Groundbreaking television!!!
M: But before she shoots John, John and Sherlock can make up with a hug.
G: Um… Why were they fighting?
M: Um… because John thinks Mary’s death was Sherlock’s fault because Mary took the bullet for Sherlock? In the aquarium?
G: OK. But can John beat Sherlock up very badly first?
M: Yeah. Yeah. Good.
G: Now… just to keep them hopping, let’s throw in some kind of memory-changing IV drug. We can call it T12.
M: Oh, yeah. That sounds mysterious. Will it have any bearing on Sherlock’s strangely missing memories of his sister? Or the weirdness of the island fortress or the AIRPLANE GIRL PLOT I just made up? This girl is alone on a plane and all the adults are asleep and she calls Sherlock!!
G: No. No bearing. No connection. But I love AIRPLANE GIRL PLOT.
M: Like… she’s flying over cities. They have to make her crash the plane over water!
G: You know what else I want to do?
G: UmbrellaSwordGun. Remember when we drew that in our notebook that one time!?
M: Totally. Let’s UmbrellaSwordGun the hell out of Mycroft. And –
M & G (in unison): BLEEDING EYEBALL PORTRAIT!!
M: Eurus can chain John in a well.
G: Didn’t she already shoot John?
M: Never mind that. She can chain John in a well… um… like she did many years ago…
G: To Sherlock’s dog REDBEARD!!
M: No! No! To Sherlock’s best friend VICTOR TREVOR! Whom he CALLS Redbeard!!
G: But let’s make a dog bowl anyway and write “Redbeard” on it.
G: So, John’s in a well with the dead dog…
M: Dead BOY.
G: Dead BOY… right… and he chained in there… and Sherlock has to hug his sister so she’ll tell him where John is!
M: I thought we were on the Fortress Prison Island?
G: Yeah yeah that was like ten seconds ago. Now we’re back at the Holmes estate and there are lots of creepy headstones with fake dates on them? And John is in a well. And the water is rising.
M: So Sherlock keeps having water flashbacks all through this season. Even he could fight a bad guy in a pool and almost drown! Because childhood trauma!!!
G: But Sherlock doesn’t know that the dog drowned.
M: BOY drowned.
G: Sherlock doesn’t know that the boy drowned, so why would he have water fears?
M: Never mind that. Silly details.
G: And Sherlock finally gets his sister to tell him where John is, and they throw a rope to him and he climbs out of the well.
M: Isn’t he chained?
G: That was like ten seconds ago. Now he’s fine, and BLANKET.
M: Can Greg be there?
G: Yeah, yeah!
M: He’s not in London?
G: No, he’s by the well.
(Both men lean back in thick, cozy self-approval.)
(Several minutes pass.)
M: Can we blow up 221B as well?
M: YES! Drone.
M & G (in unison): GRENADE DRONE!!
(Both men settle in for happy, contented naps.)