this young bull moose came to visit at the neighbors’ place. i was inside, checking e-mails and putting up posts for you, when we heard the dogs start barking. a while later, my pup was barking again - and heading towards the path along the river’s edge, which i could see out the large picture window.
we called francis inside, since we’ve been training her Not to chase Any animals (tricky, since in the past she’s helped us guard livestock by keeping predators away). but mr. zapata, the neighbor’s dog, headed for a confrontation… with the huge yearling moose that was emerging from the brush just 30 feet from the cabin. mr. z wasn’t fazed - he knows his job - and he told this moose how far he was allowed to go, and No Further (otherwise the moose eat everything in the gardens before the humans can). then he confidently trotted back over to his favorite shady spot on the other side of the cabin to lie down.
the moose must have met mr. z before, because he knew that boundary line would be strictly enforced. so he stood around for a few minutes, sampling the plants available for browsing in his immediate area before ambling back off into the woods. in the meantime, we got a nice look at his shiny new antler nubs growing in. he was a handsome guy. -5/7/17
115% chance he kills you. Listen I know they’re pretty chill but his combat programming takes over in danger situations and he will literally murder you on the spot. Do not do it.
0% chance she knocks you out. Listen, she’s a 19 year old professional Gamer that would probably get knocked out by a stiff breeze. Just don’t ever play any game with her ever again because she will shit all over you
198% chance he knocks you out and 15% chance he kills you: Listen it would be hard enough if he was just Ninja. Have you ever tried punching sheet metal? The good news is he’s a lot more mellow because of Zenyatta. Don’t do it, don’t fight Genji.
90% Chance he kills you. Look this is a man that killed his own brother for almost no reason and is a member of a clan known for crime. Your only hope is to trick him into having an honor crisis. Do not fight Hanzo.
60% chance He knocks you out. 235% chance Roadhog shows up and snaps your neck. Look Junkrat is a twitchy twig, his only saving grace is he literally survives in Mad Max. The second his boyfriend senses something is wrong though your life is forfeit.
25% He knocks you out. Look you could probably take him without much of an issue but WHAT is WRONG with you? Why would you EVER fight this ray of pure sunshine? That’s like kicking a puppy. Like you could do it but you deserve everything bad that happens to you.
40% Chance he knocks you out. Listen he might seem tough but he turned himself into a walking western reference and wears a belt that says BAMF. He’s a giant nerd. Please fight him. Fight him for the belt.
98% Chance you knock her out. Do NOT fight Mei, DO NOT FIGHT MEI what is WRONG with you?!?!! She is soft and kind and she just wants to help you fucking monster. I will personally hunt you down.
100% you knock her out, 200% you feel terrible after and 80% chance Genji kills you. Listen, Mercy is a total pacifist, she wont fight you. However she does have a cyborg ninja that owes her a life debt. Don’t do it.
140% chance she kncoks you out, 99% chance she has you thrown in Jail. Have you seen her out of her suit? She’s ripped and she’s army trained. She will put you on your ass before you could even finish your first swing. Don’t fight Pharah
50% chance he knocks you out. I will pay you to fight Reaper. Fight him right now. Look I don’t care he needs a punch in the face. For the love of god fight Reaper. Fight him for being an edgy shitlord.
100% Chance you tire out. Reinhardt is build like a brick shithouse. You aren’t even gonna be able to phase him. Best case scenario he passes out laughing. Don’t fight Reinhardt.
90% Chance he knocks you out. Look he weighs like 400 pounds, huffs gasoline, and still has the highest health pool in the game. He lives in mad max and fights robot death machines practically naked for fun. It’ll go like this: You hit him, he laughs then he puts you the hospital with a single punch. Don’t fight Roadhog.
100% chance he puts you on your ass then gives you pointers. Listen I know what you’re thinking, He’s old, how tough can he be? He has been fighting like his whole life and probably knows like 50 martial arts. You won’t win but you WILL become a better fighter. Fight Soldier 76.
95% chance she murders you. Look she might be a Scientist and huge nerd but she also works for an evil corporation and has a robot arm that makes turrets. She will fucking end you without a second thought. Your only chance is to knock her out before she summons 965727 robots out of nowhere. Do not fight Symmetrya.
95% chance he knocks you out. He has a torso of steel and a claw hand, you aren’t winning this one friend. Don’t fight Torbjorn.
87% Chance she knocks you out. Look the issue isn’t so much as being able to knock her out as it is being able to hit her in the first place. Even if you do manage to land a hit she might just snap back to before it happened. Your only hope to take her by surprise and knock her out with one blow. Don’t fight Tracer
300% Chance she murders you. Look fighting Widowmaker would be like trying to fight Black Widow if Black Widow wanted to murder you. If you value your life do not fight Widowmaker.
100% chance he knocks you out, 5% chance he kills you. Are you fucking serious? Not only is he smarter than you by a lot he’s a fucking gorilla. Like you are lucky if he doesn’t go into a primal rage and beat you death with your own arm. Do NOT fight Winston.
933% Chance she breaks you. Have you SEEN Zarya? She’s like a fucking Bull Moose. That 512 on her shoulder is her lifting record in kilograms. Look I don’t know what poor life choices have lead here but DO NOT FIGHT ZARYA.
100% chance you hurt your hands, 90% chance you end up a better person. Look, dude’s a robot. He’s made of metal and can’t be knocked out. He won’t even fight you, he’ll just preach at you until you go home. But once you think about what he said you will turn your life around buddy. Do it. Fight Zenyatta.
•Out of all of them he has the most romantic skills
•doesn’t really show his feelings but does small things to show affection
•like that dress you mentioned in passing about really liking? it mastereously appears in your closet a little while later or ‘oh you have a really bad headache? i guess you could have a sip of this wine that is my favorite and if anybody else touches I will kill
•he may be lazy most of the time but if he actually tries daaaammmmnnnn booooooooi
•We’re talking candle lit dinner under the stars and some really smexy french
•but be prepared for a lot of frick fracking
•wear the French maid outfit he has in the back of his closet
•don’t let him know or anything, just let him come home one day and just see you cleaning up the house while wearing it
•won’t bother you too much if you’re not in the mood(might be slightly grumpy) but if he had a bad day there is no escape
•morning after he will stay with you for a little while but the wake you up if he had to wait to long, might make you breakfast depending on how rough he was
•this lil cinnamon roll is all the cute relationship goals combined into one person
•will forcibly put you in his clothes because he thinks they look adorable on you
•will make you breakfast in bed 8 out of 7 days
•hope you like snuggles because one this boy has a hold on you he will never let go
•expect flowers on the table whenever he has to get up and leave before you wake up
•may act all innocent and blush about sexual things around others but once he gets behind closed doors prepare yourself
•if you show the slightest sign of being sad he will drop everything and do whatever it takes to make you feel the best you can
•Canada? More like hot CanaYEAH
•keyword-pancakes, hope you like them because he will make them for both of you every morning
•feeling cold? no problem, just put on one of the thousands of plaid flannels, he finds his big cloths on you adorable and this will always lead to snuggles
•like Francis he has trouble showing his true feelings but not quiet as bad
•likes to give you head pats and hair ruffles
•will take you out to the most beautiful spots for picnics on special occasions
•will seduce you will French
•expect to be thrown over his shoulder a lot because in his eyes it’s the fastest way to move
•loves to lay his head on your lap or stomach while you play with his hair
•knows he has and is not afraid to show them off to make you blush
•speaking of blush
•if you do there is a 100% chance he will kiss you
•did I mention he can bench press a full grown bull moose?
•someone say outdoor frick fracking kink?
•will always want to hold you in his arms and tightly to his chest where he can always protect you
•takes you out into the woods with him when he ‘works’ when you’re lonely but mostly has Kuma district you because he doesn’t want you to get scared or put you in danger(Kuma doesn’t mind because you kind of act like his mom and give him food from the table even though Matt scolds you for it and tells you to stop spoiling him whoops)
•randomly makes you maple scented candles and soaps
•his ultimate goal is to make you blush as much as possible
•hope you like nicknames because he has hundreds
•will slip into a southern drawl by accident
•don’t expect to ever walk again because he will carry you everywhere
•will try to use his own ‘persuasive’ methods to get you to be a vegan like him
•likes to come up behind you while you’re doing something and bury his face into the crook of your neck
•is a very jeleous bean
•will fall asleep every night snuggling you and watching TV
•if he manages to convince you to dress up as a maid then don’t expect to walk for a solid week
•will expect a good luck kiss before every one of his baseball games
“Doing Taiji without pushing hands is like buying a car and not learning how to drive.” Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming
Oh, push hands. It’s the pandora’s box of taiji - you never know what’s going to come out. I’ve seen people throw up their hands in frustration because “they can’t do it” and I’ve seen people confidently assert their proficiency while doing some sort of Greco-Roman style of wrestling that shoves all the fundamentals of taiji (relaxation, body connection, yielding) to the wayside.
So before we talk about why push hands is so important to your taiji training, let’s talk about everything push hands isn’t:
- It’s not wrestling. Let me repeat that for emphasis since it bears repeating. It. Is. Not. Wrestling. If you’re locked up and straining like bull moose in rutting season, getting red in the face, sweating like you’re running a marathon and trying to physically keep your partner from moving, you’re doing it wrong. I say it all the time - if your partner wants to move, let them. If they make connection with you it’s not a bad thing. You want them to make connection, it’s the tether that allows you to move them.
- It’s not shove hands. This is particularly flagrant in tournament style push hand competitions where the practitioner is only focused on getting points. Shoving is closely related to the above in that its reliant on forcing movement that isn’t happening naturally. There is no feeling or yielding involved. There is no connection, no understanding. In short, there’s nothing taiji about it.
- It’s not about making your partner’s feet move. When the goal of a person doing push hands is simply to make their partner’s feet move they’re missing the bigger picture. Moving your partner is the result of good push hands, not the goal. Anyone can shove someone. This is the lowest level of push hands, not much above grappling.
We can use the above point as a good segue into what push hands should be about.
Push hands, put simply, teaches you to listen to your partner. The concept has been described as Listening Jin and Understanding Jin - knowing what your partner is doing simply through touch. By adhering and sticking, you can feel their movements. This is step one. This is also where shove hands and grapple hands fail miserably. There is no sensation of listening and understanding when the entire body is tensed. By yielding to and following your partner you can capitalize on their own movement.
Step two is learning how to neutralize their movement, and finally, control them by leading their jin. This is why focusing on trying to make someone move in push hands is erroneous. When done correctly, they move themselves. This is what is meant in the classics when they say “Four ounces to move a ton of force.” Anyone that has done push hands with a skilled practitioner knows the feeling - you pushed, and found yourself bounced back. The more forceful the push, the more forcefully you’re moved back.
So now that we’ve over the What, how about we go over the Why. Why should you practice push hands? I think Dr. Yang sums it up well:
“You learn to sense and follow your partner without resisting, so that you ultimately understand his strength and use it against him. Pushing hands also gives you a chance to practice the applications of the techniques, which increases your understanding of the sequence. Without such understanding, the sequence remains ‘dead.’”
Hey kid, you know who else is a stone? George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore
Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln, to name a few.
I mean, those guys are freakish stone heads bulging out of the side of a
mountain, and Americans devote a whole day
to them! And aren’t I way more
important than any of those guys?
(Just a hint: The answer’s yes. Ahaha!)
And to answer your second question, isn’t it obvious? I keep
answering questions cause you bonebags keep asking
them! Like, oh—oh man, take a look at
Oh, geez, where do I begin?
Eh, I’ll just name off a few of my favorites:
George Washington asked for a strong country where everyone
was free to party. So I gave him political parties! Poor George regretted those ‘til the day he
died, haha, but not me! After all, what’s more chaotic than a good ol’
I…literally cannot think of a single more chaotic
Thomas Jefferson called me in to get his vice president out
of his hair—said that pesky old Aaron Burr was constantly messing around with
his political business and stealing his left shoes. Sure, I got the guy outta the picture, but at
the cost of, like, Alexander Hamilton’s life (whoopsie!), heaps of judicial
funds after the Burr guy was charged with conspiracy, and, well, most of
Jefferson’s digestive health.
Stress ulcers…man, how do you mortals cope with those
Good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt rang me one day, said his
progressive party efforts were dwindling and he was looking for “more attention
on the Bull Moose.” So I only did what
he asked: Y’know, warp the vision of random blockheads on the street to
see him as a literal bull moose passing by! Ha!
You can imagine how much that helped his approval rating
when half his speech attendees saw him as a woodland creature. (Spoiler alert: It’s
the only thing that kept him from winning that term! Haha! Poor guy.)
And last but not least, Abraham Lincoln came to me one day
outta sheer boredom. Guy said things
were so dull that wasn’t even looking forward to the play at Ford’s Theatre he
was on his way to see. In the end, all
he asked was that I make that night’s play one to remember!
…Well, we all know how that turned out!
In the end, they all got what they wanted, and so did I! Heck,
I deserved to have a little fun with it, right? Y’know, for so graciously helping them out with their troubles!
Oh, did I mention in the end that I turned them all into
stone? Just for laughs! Literally no
other reason! Hahah!
If you didn’t catch on, I’m talking Rushmore.
That’s literally them.
One of America’s biggest tourist attractions is literally
four tormented presidents enlarged and petrified in stone until the end of
…Man, aren’t you glad I’m still answering questions for you