a brief glimpse into the life of me




Sussi Cran

She was the beauty in my life. But it was a secret, forbidden love. We used to joke, calling ourselves the modern day “Juliet and Juliet.”

Our first meeting was in the bathroom. Fleeting glimpses throughout the day; brief glances, winks, but never a touch. We got bolder and bolder as time went on: once, we even met at the same table in a diner, shyly avoiding eye contact when eating.

When we met outside a house, a couple kids threw stones– they hit my love. It shattered her. I told her my family would be supportive, but..

They think I’m crazy. They threw me out when they saw us kiss. But she stood with me through it all. We smiled together, cried together: shared our joy, shared our sorrow.

And now we live together. Far away from my family, who will never understand. No longer must our meetings be confined, locked up in dressing and bath rooms.

The rule is that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones… my love hopes it applies to those who live in homes of mirrors.

Thank you for the happiness. Thank you for the hope. Let the love remain.

Panic! at the Disco was present in brief glimpses throughout my childhood - on the radio, on Rock Band, as a casually made Pandora station - but in the summer of 2012, they came crashing into my life in a blaze of brilliance. I fell in love. From the beginning to the end of high school, my thoughts have been filled with their music and stories, and they have never wavered in their position as my favorite band, as the first in my heart before all. Panic! represents so many things to me: the virtue of change, the pursuit of dreams, liberation from your demons - whether they be insecurity, lack of power, or an environment that does not love you - and, most of all, hope. They are a phoenix that has repeatedly risen from its own ashes and come back strong, different on the exterior but full of the same passion and theatricality at the core. I am also eternally thankful for their efforts, even from the early days of the mid-2000s, to be vocal about sexuality and gender issues: from Ryan’s androgyny to stage shows with gay lovers to Brendon’s speeches on each night of tour about your right to love who you do and be who you are, it has all meant the world to me. I remember being 14 and afraid to think about my identity. I remember seeing myself in Ryan, and I remember Brendon saying that there is no shame in any of this. I would not be where I am today if not for the things I have learned from them and their legacy.

They are a fundamental part of my life and identity, and I am grateful to have been able to meet them and thank them for these golden days.

P.S. Alia had me pass on a Walter White portrait to Brendon since he loves Breaking Bad. I have never seen a man so radiant with joy in my life; congratulations, best friend, for Brendon thinking your art is “DOOOOOPE”! :)


I forgot to post this earlier but The Front Bottoms played The Chris Gethard Show and absolutely killed it. Watch for very brief glimpses of me having the time of my life and dancing like an idiot while trying not to break my walkie talkie. Or you know watch for one of the best sounding and looking live performance videos of one of my (and let’s face it probably your) favorite bands.