a book my me

this is a book i recommend for anyone who is emotionally sensitive OR has bpd!! it’s so so good. it isn’t directly relating to women (even tho it says it is on the cover) so male/masculine gendered people should read it too! it focuses on dbt!! i’ll see if it’s on amazon tomorrow

warmth is that gooey pit in
your stomach when you
go out to a restaurant
and you order more than
you can eat and i don’t stop
you and we don’t even take
leftovers home because who
cares when you’re so full of

calmness is when we lay on my bed
for hours and all we talk about
are books or nothing at all and
my mom asks me how your parents 
are doing and i don’t know how to
answer because all we talked about
were the colors we’ve been dreaming

breathing is driving on the freeway with the
windows down and i’m taking pictures
of you and i like the way you hold your
hand on the steering wheel and i’m laughing
at the way your hair is blowing and we are
singing along to the songs we listened to when
we were thirteen and didn’t know how warm
a sunday could feel.

love is feeling sick from how sweet it tastes,
almost empty from how much i am giving
and still wanting more

—  Love is.

caitlindmartin  asked:

I tend to have a pretty formal writing style. I've always felt it's suited more to academic writing rather than fiction. However, I really want to write YA novels. I just feel that my writing style doesn't fit the YA genre, partially because in my experience, a formal style in YA books tends to draw me out of the story at points. When I asked my friend for her opinion, she confirmed my fear and told me to focus on writing naturally, but that is natural for me. Do you have any advice?

Do an exercise.

Write a chapter of your story using your style. When you’re done, let it out of your head, don’t edit, don’t write notes, do nothing. The second part of the exercise is to read one of the chapters of one of the books you mentioned, the ones that draws you out, as you read, mark the words, sentences, or paragraphs that make you look away. After that, see if there’s any similarity to your own writing, if what keeps you from reading a story holds any resemblance to your own writing, if there are any resemblances, work on them but don’t stray too far from yourself.

Keep in mind that every author has a different writing style, and that style also fits a genre. So far you’re writing a YA story, but what’s the genre? who’s your target audicence? has your friend read all of your story? and what’s your definition of formal writng style, the lack of adjectives, a lack of proximity between the writer and the reader, a definition after definition, too much description and almost no dialogue?

One more thing, keep writing, the only way to find your writing style is by writing, don’t delete what you’ve written, and know that there’s a limit for what other people can do for your story. Your friend is right, you should write the way that’s more natural to you, and to get used to your style you can write short stories from different POVs from different places and backgrounds, this can help you to develop several writing skills.


there’s an interesting Thing where if a piece of media fits the current Discourse requirements to not be Problematic, it must be the best piece of media and why aren’t you enjoying it

and vice versa, where if a piece of media is Problematic then you too are Problematic for enjoying it

it’s almost like enjoyability and “fitting the current and ever changing requirements of a mob on the internet” are not actually overlapping concepts

Sometimes my book habit reminds me a bit of that Are You Being Served? episode where Mrs. Slocombe is suddenly and inexplicably obsessed with Mr. Humphries and copes with his lack of response by turning to the bottle and, inevitably, hiding her gin stash in suspicious places throughout the ladies’ department. (Incidentally, it’s one of the funniest episodes in the series with a hysterically unexpected ending to boot, so do check it out.) My habit is books, of course, not booze, but I’m still surprised (and a little mortified) by the secret stashes that result.

This pile is secreted in the tiny cupboard/closet behind my bedroom door and I’m not 100% sure it’s not indicative of a different sort of problem. :/ A good chunk of these were for my prenatal massage and doula classes but the rest have I’ve slowly amassed over the past few months, in theory because they’re relevant to birth work, but quite possibly also because I’m having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I can never have children. :( I found the twins books around the time that I was finishing Embracing the Season and justified the purchase (I think they were 59 cents each) as fic research, but to be honest, there were twins on both sides of my family (my mother’s mother and father’s brother both had twin siblings who died shortly after birth and my father had twin aunts). The next ones were supposed to be mine. :(

A series of coincidences

My road to Nerdfighteria started in 2012 when my then roommate told me about John’s books. I read them all and loved them , but didn’t realize there was a whole community until the launch of Esther’s book in 2014. I realized John wrote the forward, and had recently lost my community (I had to quit school for health reasons), so I was looking for a new community to fit into. Little did I know that I had stumbled upon something so amazing. I had just started using a service dog, and our first outing was the book launch party. I went home that night and over the next few days read Esther’s story. I learned that her grave was 10 minutes from my house! So I visited Esther and started watching Vlogbrothers. I made it a goal to watch all the videos, and did by a year later. At that point I had started volunteering for This Star Won’t Go Out and becoming friends with the Earls. I really felt like a nerdfighter in 2015 when my boyfriend got me my first Pizza John shirt for Christmas. I was listing to the pod and watching other complexly channels at that time as well. Nerdcon: Nerdfighteria was the best weekend of my life, as it was my birthday, I got 2500+ people to sing me happy birthday during the live podcast recording (thanks John!) and Hank gave me the set list. I had a great time and felt freer from my anxiety than normal. Nerdfighteria for me is a place where I can be myself and not be told to turn it down and I finally found my home.

via Emily L

when you write about him
that ink is permanent

and he doesn’t deserve
to live on forever
in your words.

—  eternal words by shelby leigh

you never hurt me,
not physically,
but I still felt the pain
in your words

and maybe there’s no
visible bruise on my skin
but surely there’s a
scar on my heart

—  by shelby leigh

Dear Heart,

I apologize for all those nights I stayed soaking up tears into my pillow case for a boy who couldn’t have cared less. For all the times I put you in positions you should not have been put in, which ended up draining every last bit of you. There were choices I solely put you in charge of that you should have had no say in, I realize now how badly that hurt you. Finally, I’m sorry I broke away pieces of you and handed them to friends and lovers who shattered you until you decided to shut completely off. I never wanted you to build those walls, I never meant it. I should have put you first, I should have listened to your every pulse. I realize now that of all the faces I will ever meet, you’ll be the only one I know will be there unconditionally. So, for the first time in my life, it’s time I put you first.

—  A promise to my heart

Honestly, one of the greatest things about Skyrim is that you can say “the octopus god of books” and anyone who plays will know what you’re on about.

general li mulan

okay so i LOVE mulan okay. as far as i’m concerned it’s a Perfect Movie and doesn’t need any fixing. but i was thinking today and -

- what if mulan didn’t go to war to save her father?

say her father is dead, okay, killed by the previous war. so she’s raised by her mother and grandmother, women who’s complacency and softness has been worn away by necessity. she needs to marry well, for her family’s sake, because her mother has refused the hand of every man who offered. but mulan is even more rough around the edges than before, is educated not only in books (her mother said men wouldn’t find smarts attractive and grandmother pointed out that men aren’t always around and off to school mulan went) but in the sword too, taught to her by her classmate, ping.

mulan is considered in the lower end of the upper class, coming from a family of military men and scholars and successful merchants. ping is near the top, the son or nephew of an advisor to the emperor. his family is very rich and very important, and the reason they become friends is because mulan manages to notice something about him that he’s been hiding from everyone else - he’s going blind.

not totally blind, enough to get around, but blind enough that reading is difficult and swordplay is even worse, although once he has it down he has it. ping is no fool, he’s not weak or bumbling. his eyes just don’t work. so mulan notices and confronts him about it. she promises to keep it a secret, and hey, she’ll even help him with his assignments by reading the books out loud and helping him study. but in return he must teach her the sword, must teach her about military and tactics. he agrees.

ping and mulan become very good friends and there’s some raised eyebrows about it but they are TOO far away in class for it to be inappropriate, so they make tutting sounds and disapproving faces and let it go.

then the draft happens. ping can’t go to war, he won’t survive it. not with his eyesight like it is. so mulan offers him a deal - she’ll go to war for him, in his place. in return, if she survives, he must marry her. if she dies he must take care of her family.

ping can’t make this kind of family decision on his own, so he goes to his mother and tells her everything, about the eyesight and how he’ll die if he goes and mulan’s offer. his mother says he must keep it a secret from his father, but agrees - if mulan fights in her son’s place and survives, a wedding will be arranged. either way, mulan’s family will be taken care of. ping will be sent to live with some cousins in the meanwhile.

“you’re not in love with me, are you?” ping asks, helping mulan saddle her horse in the middle of the night. she scoffs and rolls her eyes, “not even a little. but marrying you will make my family happy, and besides, you’re my best friend,” she says, smiling, “better you than some grabby old man.” he smiles and hugs her and says, “i’m not in love with you either. but don’t die out there. we have a wedding to plan.”

so mulan goes to the camp, pretending to be ping, and she’s a little bit less lost but things still go as they go. she’s educated and trained, so it’s not hard for her to pass as ping. shang is keeping a special eye on her, thinking that she’s the son of an advisor, one of his father’s friends. and he sees how easily she excels, how quick thinking and smart she is, and starts giving her more and more responsibilities. by the time they’re called out, shang considers ping ie mulan to be his right hand man, and possibly his best friend.

he’s also a little bit in love with ping, and he’s long known he’s attracted to both genders, so he watches ping laugh and smile and the crease between his eyes when he frowns and does his best to let his feelings chase away the best soldier he has. every time shang looks at ping his heart clenches and he things to himself: i wish i could have you, i wish this was a time and a place where one man could have another, i wish you were a girl, is wish i was a girl - i wish we could be together. he’s literally a step away from doodling ‘li ping’ with little hearts over his battle plans. 

so the battles happen. shang and ping lead their men together, respected and loved. they each get promoted, and promoted, and promoted. it’s been years, and it comes to a point where they’re both generals in their own right. they trust each other, care for each other. and are both secretly in love with the other.

mulan is so conflicted. because she wants this war to end and to go home and settle back into life and become ping’s wife, so she can have an easy life spent studying and learning with her family taken care of. that’s what she’d wanted. but now what she wants is shang, her best friend, her brother in arms, her fellow general. she wishes to be everything to him, aches to be the woman on his arm and in his bed, but knows it’s the one thing she can never be.

then that final battle happens. mulan’s quick thinking saves them all and ends the war - but she’s injured.

shang finds out the ping has been a girl all along. he demands explanations - so she tells him everything, that she traded places with ping to save him, to become his wife.

and the lies should sting the sharpest, but they don’t. she’s still the same person, after all. it’s that she’s promised to another man, for one second he’d thought he might have her, but no. so he agrees not to reveal her but he’s furious and furious at himself for being furious and they’re not the same now, broken and splintered and neither of them know what to do.

the war is over. they leave. mulan returns home, and thanks to her ping is now known as a respected general. she’s done her part and survived, and now she gets her reward - ping’s hand in marriage.

but she sees ping for the first time and flings herself into his arms and starts crying. she tells him everything, because he’s still her friend, her very best friend besides shang, the man whom she lied to and betrayed and loves. and ping listens and takes her by the shoulders and says - i’ll uphold our bargain, if that’s what you want. you can be my pampered wife, you’ve more than earned it. but if you want to go to shang, i won’t blame you. you deserve your happiness.

and mulan goes back and forth, but ultimately she decides she has to try. if shang rejects her she’ll return and marry ping and uphold her family honor. but if shang wants her - he’s not as high up as ping, but he’s high up enough to satisfy her family, and also she would love him and want him if he was no more than a farming peasant so it doesn’t matter much anyway.

she rides to the capitol. she finally meets ping’s father, running into him while looking for shang. “ah mulan,” says this man who was never supposed to know of her until she became his daughter-in-law, “i didn’t expect to see you here. how fortuitous. walk with me.” she does, wary, and that’s how she discovers - he and the emperor had discovered her deception a year in, but at that point she’d already proven herself too skilled and valuable to lose. he tells her that he will uphold his son and wife’s deal and gladly welcome her to his household - but that she’s earned her rank as general, and that he and the emperor have no problem with letting her keep it.

she says thank you, shocked and joyful, but that she has to talk to someone first. “ah, yes, young general li,” he says, eyes twinkling, “i do believe he’s around here somewhere.”

she has no idea how he seems to know everything, but she finally tracks down shang who’s ecstatic to see her and hates himself for it. she confesses - says she loves him, that she’s engaged to ping but willing and able to break this engagement for shang. who is dumbfounded and elated and says yes, of course, finally and forever.

and mulan accepts her rank and marries shang, and they become the literal power battle couple of the general li mulan and general li shang. ping becomes a scholar and marries a very nice young woman who loves reading and is happy to read aloud to her husband with his failing eyes.

and they all live happily ever after.