a big waste of space

I’m disguising behind my masks hiding how I feel,
Hoping I don’t spill the next emotion in a “great reveal”.
It’s like a world rests on my shoulders, and the weight pulls me down,
But I’m determined to keep pushing so I don’t let anyone down.
I don’t want to be found distraught as the world around me falls,
Because I’m motivated not to snap as I collapse before the fall.
All of you keep me focused as I push up all the weight,
Because it’s never too late to give up, but I am determined not to wait.
I’ve been broken,
I’ve been fractured,
I’ve been distorted for many years;
I am stitched, sometimes torn, but I’ve conquered all that I feared.
This is who I am, not the empty shell who was born;
I am this. I am that.
I am a shell who’s been covered in thorns.
But no longer shall anyone in my world be labelled the day they’re born.
The people of my world, you’re not ugly,
You’re not nameless, or controlled by your anxiety -
You’re the survivors who carry the world and keep me happy.
You’re not a size, you’re not just a race,
Your taste in fashion is not a disgrace;
You’re not just a past, you’re not a big mistake, you’re not a waste of space.
But you’re all a beautiful face.
—  You’re capable of more than you think. Don’t let cruel words bring you down. Carry a world of your choosing, and don’t let the outside world label you as nothing | Written by: @jarfidd
— trigger warning —

i feel so impulsive and self destructive right now
i feel alone and disgusting and unloved and like a big waste of space
i want to swallow all the pills i can find, shred my skin to pieces, get high and drunk and fucked up. i want to destroy myself. the urge to rip open my skin is intense. i want to stop feeling

anonymous asked:

Hey, sorry I'm a total n00b, but what's the deal with everyone repeating the "phil kessel is a stanley cup champion" thing? Sorry to bother you! x)

So, it depends a little bit on who you ask, the actual origin is a little unclear, but it is, essentially, a rally cry and big “Fuck You” to all the Phil Kessel haters, of which there are irrationally many. You probably need some backstory about Phil for it to make more sense -

First off, Phil is a great player - specifically, a great goal-scorer and even through some of the toughest times, he has throughout his career managed to put up a lot of points. He’s not what people might call a “200 foot player” who does everything all the time, he’s not a jack-of-all-trades but more of a specialist. A specialist who scores a lot of fucking points.

He’s an olympian, he’s a cancer survivor, he’s dedicated as shit (like he misses a game or a practice waaaay less often than other people, i forget the exact stats but yeah, super dedicated), iirc he does good charity work, he’s reported to be a good guy by everyone who actually knows him.

Phil’s also not your typical hockey bro - he’s a bit soft spoken and he’s too ginger and too round-faced. While I and many others find him delightful, there’s a certain percentage of people who he just rubs the wrong way - which hey, fine, not everyone gets along! He’s maybe a little shy, a little awkward, and he’s maybe a little quick to get defensive/irritated - though in my personal opinion I’d be a much bigger bitch to people if I were as talented as he is and had my work ethic questioned and talked down to as much as he is.

For several years prior to this last season, Phil Kessel was a major player in the Toronto Maple Leafs’ team, but for a variety of reasons, the team’s management and the media there didn’t really click with his personality. I’m not a Leafs fan or anything so I’ve only heard a lot second hand, but they didn’t really have his back, put a lot of pressure on him and blamed him for the team’s continued failures (even though he was one of the only ones actually performing well and they really were doing a bad job managing the team as a whole) instead of letting him just be good at what he does. Plus there has been a lot of media bullshit talking about his temperament and his weight and his - i swear to god - eating of a hotdog (which is actually most likely completely fabricated, but it tells you the quality of journalism). He was supposed to be their star and they should have supported him and been proud, and instead they treated him like shit. I mean, this happens on a lot of teams to a lot of talented players, but Phil’s case has always been a bit strange because he still performs and people ignore it and continue to hate a lot.

Which is when the Penguins come in - last summer they traded for Phil Kessel - a move which had Phil haters crowing with glee that he was leaving their leafs and laughing at the Pens for doing something so “stupid”. There was a lot of horrified talk about how bad a choice it was, how big a waste of cap space it would be and how much they’d regret it and how he’d ruin the team. I’m exaggerating but I’m not.

Now, the Pens team culture is a different one, a little unique in the league. Some teams decide on a personality, a message, and a culture, and they try and mold players into conforming to their perspective - which, good, you need an identity, sure, but several teams take it too far - to the level of making players all get short haircuts and be clean shaven and such things (creeps me the fuck out). Usually comes with a very authoritarian and narrow-minded coach who thinks their personal winning way is the only winning way. Which, will get results, to a certain degree, it’s true. As a personality psychologist, I can tell you that’s a huge waste of human talent though, especially at this level. You don’t want a team made of robots, you want to coach and manage your team so that the things that make your individual players special and above and beyond are the things that fit together. You make careful combinations so the jagged edges balance each other out, become complementing strengths, and letting the best features flourish and shine. The Pens are a great example - especially with the addition of Sully’s coaching style - of how to really play to your strengths. To not try and force guys to be something they’re not, to save their energy for their best features. The Pens kindof have to be like this - you couldn’t have guys like Malkin and Crosby on a team if you weren’t willing break a few molds.

The Pens embraced Phil and all his personality ‘quirks’ and took off the bullshit pressure gave him places to shine, to make his best talents a priority and not ask him to do things that aren’t. And he fucking did it, he flourished. He did good work all season, and when they came through the playoffs he lit it the fuck up! He led the team in points - 10 goals, 22 points in the playoffs. Sidney Crosby won the Conn Smythe because he was also an amazing leader and a play maker for others in addition to scoring points himself during their run, but many people agree Phil was just as much a contender for it. They would never have won without him. He has worked so hard for so long and put up with so much shit, and when you put him on a great team that embraced him (and the guys really have embraced him, they make a point to talk about his accomplishments and call him “Phil the Thrill” and cheer him on when he doesn’t meekly lay down and take people’s bullshit because his team actually finally fucking has his back - e.g. them cheering him in the background when reporters were asking about his salty team USA tweet)

So, what it comes down to, is when someone says “Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion”, they’re saying fuck you, everyone who trashed him, who treated him like crap and then threw him away. It’s all of us who think he’s great showing our solidarity and pride in him for proving them wrong.

Because he is.

Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup Champion

And nobody can say he isn’t.

HOMOPHOBE BLOCK LIST

just a convenient little block list of people who think it’s okay to call gay men fags, people who think making jokes about cooking fags are funny, and the people who try to defend the use of the f slur against a gay man. im not going to compile receipts bc at this point my entire blog is one big ass receipt for these wastes of space! if you’re mad at being called a homophobe. then maybe you should take a look at yourself and wonder why youre supporting someone who called a gay man a faggot in the first place. and before any of you pull the “I’m _____ so i can’t be homophobic!” don’t. gay people can have internalized homophobia. lesbians, bi people, pan people, trans people, etc etc can all be homophobic. @ the rest of my followers! feel free to block all of these people! 

@pie-the-shitlord

@theincrediblekitten

@nunyabizni

@afpe and also @afpe-ask-blog

@ladyailyn24

@anti-sjw-pro-luxray

@dalaisa-thirhi

@we-should-rip-it-straight-out

@patricianus-maximus

@edgy-princess

@egalitarian-nature-blog

@felipefire

@thetransgenderoffender

@kammybruh14

@borealaries

@egaylitarian

@louisville-redcoat

@nucleic-asshole

@incorrectlycorrect

@scrublord–supreme

@gingerheadninja88

@ecarretsamcp

@deadramones666

@blackoutcatharsis

@literally-a-narwhale

@gservator

@obsidianthunderwolf

@lord-of-wankery

@cuntry-boner

@the-ultimate-edgelord

@skye-the-tactician

@misseljebel

Never Ending Nightmare

Title: Never Ending Part 2 Nightmare

Pairing: Dean x Reader (Prophet)

Warning: Strong language, Violence

Im So glad you guys like the first part of this story and I really hope you guys like this one :)

Part 1

______________________________________

When you awoke everything was dark. Black. You could feel the side of your face was swollen from them smacking your head against the library table in temps to make you stop trying to get away. A Red Hot pain was on your side from when one of them stabbed you after you wouldn’t listen following the yells from the tall man not wanting you dead yet.

The blackness you saw was torn away as someone pulled off the bag over your head. The tall man smirked down at you as you saw an empty room with three men standing around it. A table sat next to you with things you wish weren’t there.

He pulled the gag out of your mouth as you felt dried tears on your face, You knew there was no point in screaming it would just be followed by pain.

“Rule number 1, No screaming” Your eyes didnt look at the man as he stood in front of you. “Rule number 2″ He lifted your chin up making you look at him. “Look at me when im speaking” You swallowed at the growing lump in your throat. He dropped his hands putting them into his pockets. “Rule number 3, You will tell me everything I want to know, And if you dont, Well…” his eyes turned to metal table next to you. 

A tear ran down your face as you shook “Please…Just let me go..” You said lightly as more tears left your eyes. The man just laughed as you pulled on the robe that was tying your hands together along with your feet. “Please..” You whispered as his hand went to your throat “Did I tell you to speak!” He screamed in your face. He picked up a knife that was on the table and held the tip to your shoulder. “Now, Have you spoken or seen God.” You clenched your jaw and shook your head no. “SPEAK!” you jumped blinking the tears out of your eyes. “no” you got out in with a harsh voice.  He pushed the knife so it went through your shirt and the tip was in your skin. you closed your eyes trying to not think of the pain. “Have you read any of the tablets?” he said in a low voice “No…” he pushed the knife in deeper “Visions of any kind?” you let out a held in breath as you tried to make your tears stop. “No” The man clenched his jaw before pushing the knife all the all the way through your shoulder. You screamed out in pain. He pulled it out holding it to your neck. “I said no screaming..” He spoke right before stabbing you in the other shoulder. You held in your scream just trying to breathe “I..I dont know anything I swear” You cried out. The man took in a deep breath sighing “Dont fuck with me Y/N!” You felt his fist hit the side of your jaw. The taste of copper filled your mouth.\

____________________________

“I found the car dean” Sam spoke as he typed on his computer. Deans head snapped up as he reached over the table turning the his lab top around seeing a security video from a gas station he could barley make out you sitting in the back seat as three men in black suits sat inside as well. “Thats them” be spoke standing up grabbing his coat along with his keys. “ Its about a days drive, Lets go” 

Dean had not been able to think straight with you gone. Horrible things were running through his head. What they could be doing to you. The moon lit up the road in the middle of the cold night as dean gripped the steering wheel. Music turned off. Glaring at the road ahead of them. Speeding. Sam broke the silence “Dean..” Dean looked at him before looking back at the road. “You need to prepare your self -” Dean cut him off. “Dont.” He said harshly “Dean..She might be dea-” Dean cut him off again but this time looking at him “I said dont…” Sam nodded before looking down on the map on his phone. “I know sammy…” dean spoke softly gripping the steering wheel harder “I just..I just dont want to think about it” Sam looked at him with a sigh. “Dean I know you dont want to think about it or hear it but you have to. She might already be dead” Dean slammed on the breaks turning to sam “I said dont sam, how many times!” This time sam cut him off “No dean you have to think about this if you go in just thinking she might be chained to chair with not a cut your wrong! We dont know these guys! So you better be ready for what were about to walk into because im not going to watch you die again!” Dean didnt say anything he kept his grip on the steering wheel as he glared ahead.A second went by before dean spoke looking over at him with tears in his eyes. “You dont think I know that…Shes the best thing thats happen to me and im not ready to let her go. Not yet sam.” Dean started the car and started going again. “Im not letting her be torn away from me like everything else.” Sam stared at him as he watched a tear run down deans cheek as he drove. Sam closed his eyes letting out his held breath. He knew how much dean loved you. 

______________________________

Your head hung low your eyes shut as blood dripped from your mouth. The stab wounds on your shoulders were still leaking blood as your gray shirt was now dark red. Your shirt stuck to your skin from the dried blood. You didnt know how many hours pasted before the door came slamming open. You lifted your head feeling light headed from the blood loss. “Your wasting my time Y/N” The tall man said gripping your chin making you look at him one of your eyes were already black and blue. “Tell me something already or im just going to kill you.” You smiled with a slight laugh. “Go ahead..” you choked out right before he hit you again. He placed his thumb on your shoulder where the wound was pressing it in you couldnt help but scream followed by sobbing. “Please…stop” you cried He pushed his thumb into your other wound on your side. “I will as soon as you tell me.” You shook your head “I dont know anything” You could barely get out. He twisted his thumbs as you screamed again. “Im useless!” you screamed out sobbing. He pulled his thumbs out as your head dropped down clenching your eyes shut trying to breath  through your sobbing. He pulled out a handkerchief cleaning off his hands. “You are useless. Your a big piece of wasted space. They made a mistake with you. your no Prophet….  ” The man grumbled. 

_____________________________________   

Dean held his phone in his hand with a picture of you on it. “Have you seen this girl?” Dean asked the man standing behind the gas station counter “A SUV. Black. Where did it go” Dean spoke again as the man just shook his head “I dont know what your talking about. “ Dean glanced at sam who was filling up the Impala. “You kidding me right.” The kid looked behind dean as a man walked up behind him seeing your picture on his phone “O I know her.” Dean spun around seeing a man in a black suit “Shes quit the screamer” Dean went to punch the man but he grabbed his arm spinning him around. The Tall man walked into the empty gas station with his hands behind his back smirking. “Well Hello dean…” Dean glared at him “Where is she..” Dean shot at him. “Now thats no way to talk to each other is it?” The man spoke as sam walked in a man holding a gun to his head. “Fuck you” Dean spat and the man just laughed “Now do you want to see your girlfriend or not? You took long enough.” The man walked back outside as the men held guns to sam and deans back making them follow him. They walked to a ware house behind the run down gas station. 

The man swung open the door “Y/N I brought you something!” He spoke with a smile. Your head slowly looked up as you saw Sam then dean walk into the door. Deans heart started pounding at the sight of you. “What the hell did you do to her!” Dean yelled at the man as dean got pushed against the wall two men holding him there. The man walked up to dean with a smirk “Dont test me dean” He cut the side of deans neck lightly as he winced. 

________________________

Sam and dean were tied to chairs next to you as your eyes didnt leave dean. You gave dean a small smile when he looked over at you fear and hate in his eyes. You were getting tired. To tired as the blood kept slightly flowing. You looked back down at your lap taking in a shaky breath before speaking “I…I knew…you..you guys would…show up” You gave sam a weak smile before looking back at dean. Dean looked you in the eyes not looking away. You wanted nothing more to just stare into his eyes and never look away but it got torn from you as the man grabbed the back of your head gripping your hair. Dean pulled at the ropes “Dont touch her” Dean gritted through his teeth. The man laughed “I knew I could get you all wound up, I cant wait to see what that mark does to you” Dean glared at him “Just wait untel I get loose… I wont kill you right away ill cut your chest open and rip your heart out” The man looked back to you with a smile grabbing his knife stabbing you in the stomach making you hunch over “No!” Both sam and dean yelled out as he pulled the knife from your stomach “FUCK YOU!” Dean screamed trying to get untied same with sam. “Now If you guys wanted to know. My name is Blaine..And im sure you wont forget it…” Dean wasnt listening to him he was trying to get you to look at him. “Y/N…” You kept hunched over you couldnt even cry anymore. “Baby…” Dean spoke trying to move his chair closing to you “Look at me baby” you turned your head as blood started to come out of your mouth. Deans face was filled with worry. “Stay with me..Your strong I know you are..” You nodded trying to breath spitting out the blood but more kept coming out. As dean spoke to you Blaine kept talking. Sam listened with his fist clenched “Why are you doing this” Sam spoke out as blaine looked at you and dean before looking back over at sam “I want answers…I need answers” “For what” Sam snapped back. “That my friend you dont need to know.” Sam got his hand loose waiting for Blaine to turn around only seeing three other men around the room all stood in front of them. Dean pulled on the ropes as hard as he could just wanting to touch you. As blaine turned around he was handed a gun from one of the men. As his back was turned to sam broke out of the ropes jumping up one of the men jumped infront of sam trying to stop him. 

Dean watched as anger started to boil inside of him. “Sam!” Dean yelled as sam knocked the man out as the others tried getting to him Blaine firing his gun shooting sam in the leg. Sam yelled out falling onto the floor right behind dean reaching up untying him. He knew what was coming next….Dean tried to hold back but the mark was burning turning his rage into something worse. Dean picked up the chair smashing it into one of the men then stomping on his head twice. Another man grabbed him from behind. Dean flipped him over his head picking up the the ice pick that was on the metal table shoving it into the mans mouth making him fall to the ground. 

As the fight was going on sam had untied you picking you up in his arms and limped out the door. Setting you down in the grass he pulled out his phone trying to call 911. No signal. Then he saw a big truck parked behind the gas station. “Ill be right back” He spoke to you as you curled up into a ball. Sam smashed the truck window opening the door as he began to hot wire it. Dean picked up the metal table next he threw it at the last man. Dean then kicked the table harder against him smashing him against the wall. Ripping off one of the table legs. He smashed the mans face in. Bullets hit the wall un tel one grazed deans side. He didnt even flinch turning around staring down Blaine. Gripping the table leg in his hand.

Sam sped to where you were lifting you onto the bench seat. You were shaking. He put your head in his hands. “Stay with me Y/N Your not dying. Your not leaving us” Everything was going black as you held your stomach. Sam took off his plaid shirt holding it against your stomach. “S-am” You tried talking. “Dont talk” Sam spoke. 

The gun clicked as Blaine pointed it at dean. He threw it down as Dean was walking towards him. pulling out his knife just as Dean Brought up the table leg blocking Blanies swing hitting his arm making the blade fall. Dean then hit his leg making Blaine fall to the floor. Dean got down putting his hand around his neck grabbing the knife that fell. “I told you what I was going to do..” Dean spoke glaring down at him as Blaine couldnt breathe. He began to cut down his chest…

Sam Came running into the building Freezing when he saw dean. What he was doing. He slowly walked up to them putting his hand on deans shoulder. “Dean…” Dean stopped standing up wiping the blood off his hands onto his jeans as Blaine looked up at them both un able to move anything else. “We need to get Y/N to the hospital…now” Dean rushed out the door and saw the truck door open with you laying inside of it. He got in moving you so your head was on his lap He held the shirt against you as you looked up at him. “Stay with me baby..” dean whispered as they sped off down the road. you opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out. The black edges you saw were now over taking your vision, You passed out. “no no no” Dean spoke putting his hand on your face “Y/N! Wake up!” Sam sped as fast as he could. “Damn it NO!”

Read Part 3 Here

We Miss You, Carl

20 December marks the 17th anniversary of Carl Sagan’s death. Carl attended the University of Chicago and went on to work at the University of California, Berkeley, the Smithsonian Astrophysical Observatory in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Harvard University and Cornell University. He was a multidisciplinary scientist who worked in the fields of astronomy, astrophysics, cosmology, astrobiology and planetary science. He was perhaps best known to the public for his popularization and communication of science through his books, the Cosmos television series and his work in the SETI organization.

Rather than presenting an in-depth biography of his personal life and professional career, here are a few quotes from Carl that you might enjoy:

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 

“The Cosmos is all that is or was or ever will be. Our feeblest contemplations of the Cosmos stir us – there is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation, as if a distant memory, of falling from a height. We know we are approaching the greatest of mysteries.” 

“Books break the shackles of time, proof that humans can work magic.” 

“There are many hypotheses in science that are wrong. That’s perfectly alright; it’s the aperture to finding out what’s right. Science is a self-correcting process. To be accepted, new ideas must survive the most rigorous standards of evidence and scrutiny.” 

“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”

“We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.”

“Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge.”

“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” 

“The universe is a pretty big place. If it’s just us, seems like an awful waste of space.” 

“Understanding is a kind of ecstasy” 

“But I could be wrong.”

-JF