Yellow. -Joe Sugg Imagine.
Trigger Warning: This imagine contains a panic attack. I love you all so, so, so deeply and so very much. Please listen to the song above, of course if you’d like to. You can listen to it during the imagine or even before you read.
Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
What does anxiety feel like? It’s overwhelming, consuming, and hard to escape. It takes your breath away with zero effort, and leaves you feeling completely exhausted.
Panic Attack: A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.
Existential Crisis: An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value.
|Joe Sugg |
I watch with close eyes as Y/N lays down in our back garden. She’s wearing nothing but her red and navy checkered pyjama bottoms and one of my long grey hoodies while fluffy white socks heat her feet. I don’t know how she can not feel this crippling cold. I’m indoors, standing idly by the heater as a cold shiver races down my spine.
Y/N’s hands are resting on her tummy and I watch intently as she takes slow breaths. I take hold of the small blanket from the radiator and begin to make my way outside, hissing to myself as the cold air hits my cheeks.
As I approach Y/N, I gently drape the blanket over her, seeing her face remain motionless as she continues to stare up into the sky. By the dazed look on her face, I know she’s thinking to herself. Y/N adores star-gazing. It’s her favorite thing to do. I often catch her sitting on our balcony in the middle of the night, sprawled out on a sun chair, gazing up at the dark night blanket that glimmers.
Silence fills the air. The world is still and I feel like time is paused.
I slowly sit down on my knees, before laying down onto my back, mirroring her position, heaving in a deep breath and watching my breath fan out into a small fog. I’m only out the door three minutes and I can feel my knuckles turn white from the cold. I flicker my eyes momentarily over to Y/N and notice how her lips are almost shading blue.
“You’re going to freeze to death out here.” I whisper worriedly, noticing how rosy her cheeks are from the harsh winter wind hitting against them.
“Did you know, in our Milky Way Galaxy alone, there are two hundred to four hundred billion stars?” Y/N speaks, her eyes fixated on the stars glimmering above her.
I shake my head.
“I never knew that.” I whisper in reply, furrowing my brows together as I watch her nod to herself.
Y/N and I have been together for four years. We met in a record shop. I was buying some new LP’s to play on my new record player that I received for my twenty first birthday. It was a gift from my grandmother. The two of us would listen to all of her old records on her actual record player. My grandmother knew how much I adored listening to music through records, so she decided to buy me an up to date, modern record player so I could listen to my tunes.
On the weekend of my birthday, I sauntered into a dusty old record shop, browsing through the many artists that I could choose from and that was when I met my sweet love Y/N. She stood behind the cash register, twirling the dial on the radio in hopes to get a music channel playing. While paying for my records, I used some of my best chat up lines and managed to score a coffee date and now, four years later, I’m the man that gets to kiss her goodnight.
“Did you also know that every star in the night sky is actually bigger and brighter than the sun?” She breathed as I looked from her still body to the mess of stars up in the sky, chuckling slightly in astonishment at this new fact.
“Really?” I ask.
Silence overlaps us again, and I focus my attention on the stars glowing above us.
“I think they’re quite beautiful to look at, don’t you think?” I question, allowing my words to pass through my lips. “They’re all millions of miles away and they still like to come out and glow for us.” I smile, resting my hands on my stomach and hearing Y/N’s gentle breaths, along with a soft murmured ‘yes’.
“It’s impossible to count them all.” She whispers, her eyes staying fixated on the twinkling blanket that shines above us. “But I love them.”
Astrophile: (n) a person who loves stars, astronomy.
“I’d rather look at you than the stars. You’re beauty outshines all of these stars.” I grin cutely, turning my body on it’s side and supporting myself on my elbow, giving Y/N my undivided attention as I gaze at her beauty.
I frown ever so slightly seeing her continue to look up at the stars and wondering if she heard me or if it’s possible that I’m just speaking too quite.
“The fastest spinning objects in the Universe are neutron stars, they can rotate five hundred times in just one second.” Y/N breathes, her eyes twitching ever so slightly, enough for me to notice and I can’t help but wonder how she manages to remember all of these facts.
“They deserve a gold star for all that effort.” I crack a small cheesy joke, raising my eyebrows over to her only to see her lips sit in a line. I sigh slightly and shake my head, knowing that she is far too engrossed with the stars to even take note of my joke.
Y/N has never told me why she loves to stargaze so much. I find it odd, how she loves the stars so much, yet she has never wanted to become an astronomer. Deep down, I feel like I know the answer as in to why she loves to star gaze so much. When you step outside on a chilly winter night and glance up at the night sky and see small, glimmering and breath taking twinkling lights. it is almost as if something special clicks in your mind. It’s hard to put your finger on it but you know something is different. You’re stepping out of the everyday hustle and bustle of the modern world. As a new and younger generation, we are all consumed with technology. We have beeping phones, tablets, laptops and a constant need to be somewhere. When you cross your backdoor to the inky blackness of night, your worries and problems almost fade into the thin air and you stand still in a moment of time. In a way, I feel like it calms her.
“The Milky Way belongs to a cluster of thirty galaxies called the Local Group, which is seven million light years across.” Y/N speaks once more, giving me another fact. Since I’ve sat down beside her, I haven’t once heard her speak a hello or her hear curse about the nippy weather, only facts.
“Our Milky Way is almost as old as our universe. Thirteen billion years.” Y/N mumbles, her eyes squeezing tight. “We’re all just moving through space. We revolve around the sun. The sun revolves around the Milky Way.” I frown at her words and slowly sit up.
“What are we Joe? We are literally tiny specks of dust that can walk and talk, floating through the unknown Universe? What am I doing with my life? What if something happens to our world? Do you know it would take us billions of years to create more people like us on other planets? Joe, I-I can’t breathe.” Y/N gasps, her body shooting up from the ground and her hands pressing to her chest.
“I-I’m d-dying. N-no, don’t let m-me die, Joe. W-we’re all just floating pieces of meat, settled on a big rock, hurdling through the u-unknown.” Y/N gasps, her eyes squeezing tight as tears stream down her icy cheeks. Words flying through her lips that don’t make sense.
I can feel my heart rate pick up instantly. I can feel my bones rattle from my fast beating heart as panic surges through me. I wrap my arms around her body and tug her onto my lap, watching her mouth open and close desperately for air.
“Y/N, listen to me, okay? Focus on my voice. Look at me.” I speak loudly, keeping my voice calm and collected, not wanting to startle or frighten her or make her panic attack worse. I watch as she clutches to her chest, her eyes peeking open as she looks at me desperately.
“This is going to be okay. You’re safe with me. You’re with me and you’re completely fine. This will be okay.” I whisper, running my fingers through her hair while gently running my hand up and down her back in soothing circles, feeling myself panic at the situation.
“Look at the stars. They’re all shining for you.” I breathe, along my voice to stay low. I gently reach up and brush away the tears staining her cheeks.
“Take a deep breath, sweetheart. Just take one for me.” I encourage her, seeing pain flash across her features as she gasps a large breath. “That’s magnificent, baby. You keep doing that whenever you feel like you can, okay?” I whisper, pressing my lips delicately to her cheek bone.
“You’re not going to die. I’m right here and I’ve got you.” I speak, tucking a strand of her long luscious locks of her hair behind her ear.
“I understand why you’re so scared of space and this situation. I understand your fear. I really do. It’s quite scary and strange to think that we are all just floating particles, eternal souls or as you gracefully describe us, slabs of meat, just flying through space on a large rock. But if it wasn’t for Space and this big burly rock, I would never have got to see or even meet the beauty that is you.” I smile softly, swaying us side to side very slowly.
This wasn’t too new to me. I’ve helped Y/N through many panic attacks before and I know how calming it can be for her when I know and understand her fear. I don’t like seeing her suffer with these panic attacks. I know certain things tend to trigger her panic attacks such as extremely claustrophobic places but I never thought that the one thing I thought she enjoyed, -stargazing-, would give her a panic attack. I can hear my brain feed me information on my ways to calm her down.
There have been certain times when I was unable to calm her. There have been times where I’ve been told by her, to leave her alone, and somehow, she finds certain ways that calm her down significantly. There are times where I need to call my mum and Y/N’s mum since I’m entirely useless in the situation. Then there are panic attacks like this. I can squeeze myself in before the panic attack escalates to something more frightening.
“Remember that time, we were feeding the swans? Remember when that greedy one was cheeky and bit my hand? You laughed so hard that you fell into the lake.” I grinned, trying to keep up conversation with her and thinking back to the many years when I would help Zoe through her panic attacks. “I really wish I had vlogged that, you would have went viral.” I whisper, noticing a shaky smile appear on her lips as I speak about our day out in the park.
“How about that time, I so desperately wanted an ice cream, hm? Remember when you were walking back to me with the ice creams? You somehow managed to drop one of them and for some bizarre reason, it was my ice cream that you dropped.” I smirk, bringing up the time we spent the day in Brighton and Y/N dropped my ice cream, causing a passer by to break down into hysterics.
“How about the first time I kissed you?” I whisper softly, lulling her body into mine closer and seeing Y/N take a deep breath. “Eventually, may I add. It only took me three dates to earn that first kiss.” I tease, seeing a smile play on Y/N’s lips while her hands remain over her heart, her lips capturing a deep breath.
“It was Christmas. We were down at this old coffee shop, run by our two favorite people, Liz and Earl, the most famous elderly people in town. They had decorations filling the entire coffee shop, including mistletoe, it was hung right over the door. When we tried to leave, Liz refused for us to go, unless we kissed. You were blushing like crazy and I was almost sure that you could hear my fast beating heart. Then I slowly leaned in, and our lips met. Your lips were so soft, and they tasted like strawberries and sweet champagne. I remember because you wouldn’t stop talking about how much you loved your new lip balm that felt so wonderful on your lips.” I grin, gently running my thumb across Y/N’s lower lip and running my hand up and down her back as I watch her shoulders and body slowly un-tense.
“And from that moment, I knew that I was truly, deeply, and utterly in love with you.” I smile, watching Y/N nestle her neck into the crook of neck.
“I love you.” Y/N croaks, her voice raspy and I breathe in a deep sigh of relief.
“I love you so much more.” I breathe deeply, pressing my lips to the crown of her head, hugging her body tightly against mine. “So much more.” I murmur, inhaling her sweet perfume.
“Everything is okay, my love. How about, we go inside, and you let me wrap you up and get you warmed up, yeah?” I speak slowly, remaining calm, knowing that her panic attack has ended, but not wanting to startle her or trigger another.
I feel her weakly nod against my chest and that gives me the chance to scoop her up into my arms and lead us back into our house, allowing me to lay her down on our sofa and wrap her up in a cocoon of warm blankets. After clicking the kettle on, I saunter back over to Y/N seeing her watching the latest episode of your/favorite/tv show. I take a seat beside her and tug her into my side, rubbing her arms to heat her up and feeling my panicked thoughts subside.
“I love you, Y/N. Everything will be alright.”
Hello my beautiful lovelies!
How are you all?
I really hope you are having the most amazing day or evening and I really hope you know how much I love you and treasure you. I also hope you know how important you are in this world and how valued you are, you beautiful soul.
I’m back! After almost a month? I think? I could be wrong but I am super sorry for not posting sooner but I am back and I am super exited to write more imagines and series, only if you loves would be interested in reading them of course!
I wrote this imagine last night and I’ve been debating whether or not to post it since I have never had a panic attack. I know that I may not have described a panic attack or the situation of a panic attack correctly and for that I am so deeply sorry. I also really hope that it hasn’t triggered a panic attack for any of you sweet loves. I’ve just seen so many situations of people having panic attacks and I know and have read little messages and comments from you beautiful souls about how you suffer with panic attacks and I just wanted to write a little imagine that I hope might bring comfort since Joe is looking after you in this imagine!
Please don’t be afraid to message me your thoughts and let me know what you think! I love reading your sweet messages! They really mean so much to me! I will most definitely be replying to all of you darling souls!
I promise I will be updating extremely soon again if you’d like me to!
I love you all so, so, so, so incredibly much and I really hope you know that!
All of my love xxx