October 21, 2009
- Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 120
- I’ll lend you my attention, but it’ll be at 0% interest.
@katefeetie (one katie please) – 114
- When your only tool is a bong, every problem looks like it can wait until tomorrow.
@Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 113
- No one will believe it when Rick Astley dies.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 89
- I don’t understand the Starbucks ordering language, so I just point at the menu and shout like a monkey.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 88
- Planning my Chicago trip. My itinerary mostly involves eating deep dish pizza and wishing I hadn’t eaten deep dish pizza.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 79
- We can put a man on the moon, yet we can’t develop another analogy for describing when something obvious needs to be done but hasn’t been.
@JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 74
- You want to know how modest Canadians are? No… no… you wouldn’t be interested.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
- My greatest business skill is stealing donuts from meetings I find reasons not to attend.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 72
- I hate playing Good Cop/Bad Cop, because I’m always the good cop. And I always turn my partner into Internal Affairs. And now I’m a snitch.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61
- One million people follow my husband on Twitter. And I’m the lucky lady who gets to tell him he’s got food in his teeth. Again.
@damselesque (Beth) – 60
- For Halloween I’m going as a newspaper and will regale everyone with things they read online yesterday.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54
- I wonder if bulls hang out together in the pasture checking out attractive cows, nudging each other and saying, “Yeah… I’d tip that.”
@MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 52
- Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, its fun for the whole neighborhood.
@navanax (50% More Slime) – 50
- “How do I look?” “No idea. You’ve changed in the 3 nanoseconds it took for the light to reach me.” I love physicists.
@EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49
- I find these ‘Your mom’ jokes contrived and offensive. I think your dad agrees, but he’s hard to understand with my dick in his mouth
@blankslate (Alex) – 49
- “Telling me you’re too young to understand my expressions makes me cringe like nails on a chalkboard”, “What’s a chalkboard?”
@blankslate (Alex) – 47
- Almost wrecked my car while staring at a roadside accident memorial. Death By Irony would be the worst kind of death.
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46
- You judge the LOLCATS for their poor grammar? Personally, I’m impressed, the best my cat can type is dhyf0ue9pi[fpls]f[a.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46
- I got so bored at work that I started doing it.
@lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 46