Zaius13

October 21, 2009
  1. Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 120
  2. I’ll lend you my attention, but it’ll be at 0% interest.
    @katefeetie (one katie please) – 114
  3. When your only tool is a bong, every problem looks like it can wait until tomorrow.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 113
  4. No one will believe it when Rick Astley dies.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 89
  5. I don’t understand the Starbucks ordering language, so I just point at the menu and shout like a monkey.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 88
  6. Planning my Chicago trip. My itinerary mostly involves eating deep dish pizza and wishing I hadn’t eaten deep dish pizza.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 79
  7. We can put a man on the moon, yet we can’t develop another analogy for describing when something obvious needs to be done but hasn’t been.
    @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 74
  8. You want to know how modest Canadians are? No… no… you wouldn’t be interested.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  9. My greatest business skill is stealing donuts from meetings I find reasons not to attend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 72
  10. I hate playing Good Cop/Bad Cop, because I’m always the good cop. And I always turn my partner into Internal Affairs. And now I’m a snitch.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61
  11. One million people follow my husband on Twitter. And I’m the lucky lady who gets to tell him he’s got food in his teeth. Again.
    @damselesque (Beth) – 60
  12. For Halloween I’m going as a newspaper and will regale everyone with things they read online yesterday.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54
  13. I wonder if bulls hang out together in the pasture checking out attractive cows, nudging each other and saying, “Yeah… I’d tip that.”
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 52
  14. Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, its fun for the whole neighborhood.
    @navanax (50% More Slime) – 50
  15. “How do I look?” “No idea. You’ve changed in the 3 nanoseconds it took for the light to reach me.” I love physicists.
    @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49
  16. I find these ‘Your mom’ jokes contrived and offensive. I think your dad agrees, but he’s hard to understand with my dick in his mouth
    @blankslate (Alex) – 49
  17. “Telling me you’re too young to understand my expressions makes me cringe like nails on a chalkboard”, “What’s a chalkboard?”
    @blankslate (Alex) – 47
  18. Almost wrecked my car while staring at a roadside accident memorial. Death By Irony would be the worst kind of death.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46
  19. You judge the LOLCATS for their poor grammar? Personally, I’m impressed, the best my cat can type is dhyf0ue9pi[fpls]f[a.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46
  20. I got so bored at work that I started doing it.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 46
July 19, 2009
  1. Stealing small office supplies isn’t like you’re really stealing because they have a lot of those things already. -Gandhi
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88
  2. WHEN IT’S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL PARTY HARD.

    AT THE MOMENT IT IS NOT TIME TO PARTY SO WE WILL DRINK OUR COFFEE QUIETLY.

    QUIETER.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 85
  3. I’m going to hit the hay. Because I hate hay.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  4. A little extra effort today means they won’t find the body tomorrow. -Ben Franklin
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80
  5. I was impressed with the 15yo team that humiliated my daughter’s 12yo team, since it must be hard to play soccer pregnant.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74
  6. Call something “lame” and the disabled cry foul. Call something “dumb” and you don’t hear a peep.

    Oh. Right.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 62
  7. I slept like The Rock. My wife could smell what I was cooking.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62
  8. You had me at “Please stop talking and put your penis in my vagina”.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 60
  9. Got up *really* early this morning and washed the dishes, did laundry, hung it out to dry, made breakfast and then I remembered I am lying.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 57
  10. Apparently it’s not cool to stop during sex to tweet something funny you just thought of. Sorta related: This couch is really comfortable.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 55
  11. Having a huge cup of coffee in the backyard. A mosquito just bit me. I bet it’s going to have a very productive day. Or lifespan.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52
  12. Someone left two strawberries on my chair. Now I know how fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt feels. Pretty pissed off, apparently.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
  13. iPhone just corrected “omg” to “IMF”. Because like most iPhone owners, I’m always texting my friends about the international monetary fund.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  14. You know it’s time to do dishes when you’re eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a ladle.
    @apelad (Adam Koford) – 51
  15. Drinking from a children’s water fountain is one way to determine that your dress is too short.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 49
  16. The boy is either sleeping in or he’s dead. Either way, there’ll be drama later, so I’m going to take some time to sit and enjoy my coffee.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 44
  17. “Holy fuck I’m blind! What happ—who the hell bought the damn kleenex with lotion? If I want lotion in my kleenex I’ll just ask a teenage boy
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 43
  18. We’re checking out constellations. The only one I can ever find is the bear riding a skateboard.
    @srslainey (Unavailable) – 43
  19. I’m sorry sir but when you pronounce it "expresso”, you automatically lose the right to comment on its quality.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 42
  20. I imagine the best part of being a clown is terrorizing children with penis shaped balloons. Well, that and the drinking.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42
July 1, 2009
  1. I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 163
  2. This chick threw her drink in my face but I caught most of it in my mouth so it’s like yay free cosmo I win I’m the winner here goddammit.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 115
  3. They said that even if “Ass Pastor” had been spelled correctly on the tattoo, the job interview was over the moment I took my shirt off.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 94
  4. What’s so special about Canada? None of the other states get their own day.
    @poeks (Poeks) – 94
  5. The Saudi flag has a sword. It practically says, “I will cut you.” Canada’s flag has a maple leaf. It says, “More syrup on your flapjacks?”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 91
  6. Profoundly funny tweet #2425341089 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 80
  7. There’s a thin line between hipster and hobo.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79
  8. If I can’t lay out on the patio and get an ass tan without the Applebee’s waiter screaming, then I’m certainly not paying for this mojito.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 79
  9. In honour of Canada Day, rocque with your cocque out.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
  10. Tonight I ate prime rib and went to Home Depot. My man stock has never been higher. Sell, sell, sell.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71
  11. Wife: “Say you have a crooked penis and you peed on your face.”
    Me: “But I don’t have a crooked penis!”
    Wife: “They don’t know that.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67
  12. As the old saying goes, “You can’t unfuck a monkey.”
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 67
  13. Happy Canada Day to my wife and to the half of each of my children that I love very slightly less.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 66
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #2413903725 (?)
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 63
  15. July is named after Jules Verne, the man who invented the Orange Julius. #twitterpedia
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63
  16. Nothing echoes louder than flatulence in the ladies room at work. (I saw your shoes, Denise. I know it was you.)
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63
  17. OMG, you guys! The baby used the litter box!
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62
  18. Washington isn’t “out of touch” with America. We adore “John and Kate,” shooting stuff, football, or whatever it is you people do out there.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56
  19. In honour of Canada Day, I apologise.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  20. *You* say they’re fireflies, I say it was the light reflecting off the eye of a ninja.

    He didn’t attack because he knew I spotted him.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 55
September 15, 2009
  1. Author Dan Brown strode through the brass lobby of a bar and ordered a beer, his eyes white as something white. The bartender had eyes too.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 131
  2. If smuggling balloons of Afghan heroin inside of a two-year-old is wrong, I don’t want to be caught.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 118
  3. Sometimes I wish my son was more like me. Or at least the same ethnicity.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 99
  4. Nobody puts baby in a coroner!
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 84
  5. Donald Trump has called for a boycott of Kanye West. Because if there’s one thing Donald hates, it’s an attention whore.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82
  6. The dog just threw up something Lady Gaga would wear.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 75
  7. “Don’t listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 75
  8. Patrick Swayze is Dead.

    …i’m officially firing up my pottery wheel.

    *fingers crossed*
    @theduty (duty) – 72
  9. A longhand receipt from a locksmith spins lazily in the microwave.

    Because, for Eleanor, everything’s a Dada installation.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 68
  10. Give a man a fish; you have fed him today. Teach a man to fiche; and he can read old newspapers at the library for a lifetime.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 67
  11. The problem with listening to James Brown at work is that I only sing the grunts and screams. Sounds like I’m taking a dump in my cubicle.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65
  12. No one will take this news harder than Jennifer Gray’s first nose.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 62
  13. Hate your job? Think of the guy who had to edit all the “bork bork borks” out of ABBA’s albums. With ‘70s recording technology, no less.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 61
  14. You all laughed at me last year when I converted my stock portfolio into a Subway footlong. Well, today it’s 17 feet long.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60
  15. Wait, the “Asian rub” is for the chicken?! Well, then I’d like to change my order.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 59
  16. 25 years ago: “My parents won’t let me eat anything.”

    In 25 years: “My cardiologist won’t let me eat anything.”

    Now: “Mmm, cheeseburger.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58
  17. Tennis on TV is less boring if you imagine it’s little people running around a ping-pong table.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58
  18. I’m headed to Costco for a box of new celebrities. Anybody need anything?
    @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 56
  19. I heard that Kanye interrupted Patrick Swayze before he died, to say Michael Jackson’s death was more important.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 55
  20. Best thing about Twitter? No such thing as TOO SOON.

    I love you people.
    @blankslate (Alex) – 54
July 21, 2009
  1. Twitter. #lameclaimtofame
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 104
  2. After looking at the photos, I’m pretty sure they faked Woodstock.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 95
  3. I overheard a co-worker talking about the tranny in his truck. I don’t judge.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 91
  4. Things Han did first:

    1. Shot Greedo.
    2. The Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
    3. Leia.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 84
  5. I can’t decide what’s scarier — clowns with pointy teeth or clowns with *no* teeth.

    Hmmm…

    Oh well. Sleep tight!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  6. Profoundly funny tweet #2758288101 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 82
  7. A lot of people don’t know that Halle Berry had a twin brother named Boo, who died at birth. Sometimes his ghost visits her at breakfast.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 82
  8. You can’t spell cruel motherfucker without Elmo.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 76
  9. My new job welcomed me to the company via Twitter. That’ s like your new wife sending you a friendly note written on your mistress’s face.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 73
  10. I slammed my pencil down so my coworkers knew I finished the training assessment first. I’m also the best at long division and kickball.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 67
  11. An optimist sees the wine glass as half full; a pessimist notices that was the last bottle.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 59
  12. I could not, for the life of me, find the mushrooms in the supermarket today.

    My morrell compass must need adjustment.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 58
  13. Our cat licks you when you pet him. It’s disgusting, that scratchy tongue. And such spotty coverage, you can forget about skipping a shower.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58
  14. I’m in Montana for a week. Fun fact: Montana got its state name from the Spanish word montaña, probably meaning “wears socks with sandals”.
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 57
  15. “My stars aren’t sticking” is the new “I won’t cum in your mouth.”
    @BakeMyFish (Secret Asian Man) – 55
  16. We put too much spirulina on our Kashi this morning. If by “spirulina” you mean “whole milk,” and by “Kashi” you mean “Cookie Crisp.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55
  17. Sure, at first you love your Bose surround sound. And then you watch some movies where people knock on doors.
    @nick (Nick Douglas) – 53
  18. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: smoking can reveal hidden lazer traps. …which is awesome.
    @theduty (duty) – 53
  19. Put $2 billion or so towards hot nurses in low-cut uniforms and your health plan has my support.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53
  20. Tying a rope around my waist. If this meeting isn’t over in two hours, someone pull me out.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52
July 16, 2009
  1. Spent the entire evening wrestling with a new wireless printer. Probably should have spent that time trying to set it up.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 101
  2. Does anyone know how to get Rohypno— I mean, cake bat— I mean clown blood out of a carp— fuck. Let me start over.

    Does anyone have a loom?
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 92
  3. When your wife’s away, the world is your napkin.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91
  4. Yeah, you BETTER walk away, ant.

    Pussy.

    Oh shit he’s coming back!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 81
  5. I can’t believe I’m late for work. If there’s one person I shouldn’t have trusted to set the alarm, it’s your mom.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 77
  6. My son has been a total bitch ever since the sex change HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA he’s so distant these days :(
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  7. The secret to drinking on the job is to not care about the consequences.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70
  8. “Isn’t it your round?”

    “It is not my round.”

    “Jeez. I guess it’s my round.”

    Jedis never pay for drinks.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69
  9. Whenever you start to feel like you don’t get the recognition you deserve.

    Just think how Tom Cruise’s boyfriend must feel right now.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 68
  10. Bill Gates is working on a device to fight hurricanes by manipulating the sea. Glad he’s staying busy after solving the spam problem.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  11. Excuse me, Miss, could I ask you to wear a longer skirt next time? I’m not your gynocologist.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58
  12. It’s “crunch time” here at work. I’m eating granola and Doritos at my desk.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58
  13. Checking into a hotel w/my daughter.
    Me: “Is the porn channel disabled?”

    Him: “No, it’s just regular porn, but I can get a DVD.”
    @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 56
  14. Morning people, thank you for making our coffee. Now please stop smiling.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55
  15. There’s a set of footprints in the bathroom and now I’m afraid Jesus was watching me pee.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54
  16. My iPhone autocorrects “Jedis” to “Jesus”.

    I would discuss this further, but these lightsaber noises aren’t going to make themselves.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  17. How often are you supposed to shave a baby?

    Please say no more than twice a week.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51
  18. Thank you to all that told me the plural of the made-up word “Jedi” is not the made-up word “Jedis” but is still the made-up word “Jedi”.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51
  19. Dear cute guy on the train, I’ve already written the story of how we met for you to tell our five children.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 51
  20. Hey, dude in the Hummer with all the chrome, the lights, and the crazy rims…

    Sorry about your penis.
    @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 50
October 11, 2009
  1. Sunday morning. Reading comics. Drinking coffee. Wife’s in the shower. Cats are sleeping.

    I don’t need a lottery ticket.

    I’ve already won.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  2. The movie ‘2012’ looks awful. Just as the ancient Mayans predicted.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 78
  3. Rumor has it that Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker split up because he kept looking her in the mouth.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65
  4. Does this selective adherence to only certain tenets of Leviticus make me look homophobic?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64
  5. Hey, look, this napkin is really a Napoleon hat! Take my picture with the waitress!

    No, YOU’RE too many Mimosas.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 59
  6. I want to believe Julie when she says her cramps are so bad she can’t go get me a drink, but between you and me, I think she’s ovary acting.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 54
  7. Man, I just took enough Benadryl to rhombus detour Capn. Crunch without even spiderplant nacho cheese. Amirite, cartoon cat Bonnie Franklin?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53
  8. “Are you a merkin?” “A what?” “A merkin.” “Are you trying to say American?” “ARE YOU DEAF?” Welcome to Texas, people.
    @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 51
  9. Hearing my son talk to stuffed animals has me worried. If he doesn’t get funnier those imaginary friends will never follow him.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 51
  10. “You aren’t funny mom”

    “People on the Internet think I’m funny”

    “People on the Internet think they can sing too- I’ve watchd YouTube”
    @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 46
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #4783030678 (?)
    @carrmah (Unavailable) – 46
  12. Saw a duck in Epcot eating a cigarette butt. The circle of life.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45
  13. If you’re going to fucking wake me up at fucking 7:30 in the fucking morning on a fucking Sunday, we better be fucking.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 45
  14. Every person injected with ANY vaccine will die. Why is the MSM not covering this?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
  15. If you join a baby fight club remember that a baby on PCP has the strength of 10 babies and always bet on that baby.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 43
  16. Stupid laptop battery-level indicator! You’re not the boss o
    @blankslate (Alex) – 43
  17. It’s Coming Out Day, so I thought I’d remind you that I’m a transgender lesbian, and that that doesn’t make me any less awesome. Or modest.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 42
  18. For the seventeenth time, son, I withhold love from you so we can have a soulful reunion on my deathbed. You’re such an idiot sometimes.
    @zuhl (Jon Deal) – 41
  19. Profoundly funny tweet #4775005706 (?)
    @nicedream (Unavailable) – 41
  20. My housemate is either snoring or angrily raping a grizzly bear.
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 39
September 23, 2009
  1. Mom likes your drawing, huh? Well sometimes Mom says she likes something and then 20 years later admits it was all based on a lie. FYI!
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 118
  2. Sure, I’ve been pistol-whipped by a hooker – who hasn’t? It’s the 90s, after all! Wait, what? How long have I been out? Oh god. Oh my god.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 95
  3. “You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 70
  4. Just got home from a ten day vacation, and I can’t believe it only took a few minutes for me to get back into the same old your mom.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63
  5. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, “Why the long face?”
    “My wife is cheating on me,” says the horse.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 60
  6. The Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse will be broken when my wife does not ask me to get her a drink just after returning from the kitchen.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59
  7. We need to buy smaller glasses or weaker bourbon. Right, Hallucination-of-Abe-Lincoln-Eating-Corn? WHAT?! You think you’re *BETTER* than me?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57
  8. Oh, he’ll yes. You hear me? HE WILL YES.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 54
  9. Pull my groin while flossing once, shame on you. Pull my groin while flossing twice, okay, fuck, seriously, what am I doing wrong here?
    @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 53
  10. Written on the back of the “All fetuses have potential” protest sign is “No more welfare state.” Guess it all changes once they’re out. Huh.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52
  11. Been trying to start a Windows 7 Party for 2 hours. It’s saying I need more RAM, Celebration SP 2 Enterprise, and a new Designated Driver.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51
  12. Ahmadinejad is in New York for an important meeting. I’m guessing it’s with Stacy and Clinton.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  13. This homemade Whack-A-Mole game I built was fun at first. But now I can’t get the neighbor’s cats to poke their heads up anymore.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 50
  14. Mm. The restroom key on a giant block of wood. Because this transaction needs more hands on organic matter.

    Maybe just chain it to a turd.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48
  15. You know, after the 6th request, I have to admit you’re right. I *do* want to play Mafia Wars, middle school busmate. Maybe I always have.
    @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 48
  16. I try to avoid flame retarding materials because fire is dangerous enough without being all retarded.
    @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 46
  17. I drive like I fuck: fast, alone, and in violation of multiple state and local laws.
    @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 46
  18. I thought 7-11 had gone all out decorating for Halloween until the scarecrow leaning against the wall asked me for beer money.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 45
  19. The dog burrowed under the covers all night. Now my bed smells like Fritos, a phrase I’ll absolutely be putting in my Match.com profile.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 45
  20. Your casual misogyny is a little too good to pass off as ironic. Prick.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 45
May 22, 2009
  1. The Pope is on Facebook. I know it’s really him because he poked me and now my headache is gone.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 101
  2. I should buy more coffee-colored clothes. It would save a step.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86
  3. Hey Dick Cheney, if you’re going to defiantly insist that you’re innocent, do it right. Get yourself a white Ford Bronco and drive.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 84
  4. So, when you’re hugging a clown, it’s only gay if you *both* get a boner, right?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 75
  5. Guys would probably be less insecure if rulers were six inches long.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  6. Guys, quit it. Comic Sans has feelings too.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
  7. I’m off to watch my niece marry her first husband. I’m supposed to stop calling him that.
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 64
  8. Self-styled patriots like Cheney miss the point when they (falsely) claim torture works. Slamming jetliners into skyscrapers also “works”.
    @jimray (Jim Ray) – 63
  9. My brain is bad. This is why I can’t have nice thinks.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62
  10. I swore to my dying grandmother I’d always wear my clothes backward, but I guess that’s just my kris kross to bear.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 59
  11. I, for one, could use a little more time between face transplant stories.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59
  12. How come I can pay parking tickets online, but the fucking meters don’t even take dollar bills?

    “Fucking meters.” Glad those don’t exist.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56
  13. You know your ADD has gotten out of control if you get distracted when you masturba–Oh hey, Twitter.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 55
  14. I baked Morrissey a cake for his 50th bday, but he said it’s just going to rot anyway, then he sighed and shambled away. What a pouty dick.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 55
  15. I used to think “washing my Snuggie” was just a euphemism but thanks to Walgreens and my crippling loneliness, it’s now a reality.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52
  16. Methinks Christian Bale should have directed his fury at the screenwriter, instead.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51
  17. Canadian Boxing:

    LET’S GET READY TO HUMBLLLLE!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  18. My brain checked out hours ago. Unfortunately, it was my ride.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  19. At the rate he’s going, someday kids are going to think that “dick” is a pejorative because of Dick Cheney.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 48
  20. My six year old unwittingly provided me with the title of my yet-to-be-written memoirs when he said “sometimes, it itches.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47
November 3, 2009
  1. I’m growing facial hair in November to raise awareness for how creepy I can look.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 125
  2. The fact I have a 64 pack of crayons and *still* have to go to work is a crime against humanity.

    IT HAS THE SHARPENER IN THE THE BACK.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 99
  3. A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96
  4. If you say “it is what it is” one more fucking time, I’m going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you’ll have to wear a kierkegaard.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 90
  5. I better not hear any Christmas music at the mall tomorrow. If I do, so help me, I will bop my head and sing along with such anger.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 85
  6. iPhone App Approval Manual:

    1. If the app floats it’s a witch. Kill it;
    2. If the app sinks it’s not a witch. Kill it;
    3. Titties are fine.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 84
  7. There are recipes on cartons of Whoppers.

    I repeat: RECIPES.

    THERE ARE FOODS OF WHICH CHOCOLATE COVERED MALT BALLS ARE MERELY A COMPONENT.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 74
  8. Hey nerds: 1) Make a blog that’s just pictures of your muscles. 2) Buy a dumptruck to carry all the poon you’re gonna get. 3) And I’m out.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 73
  9. My wife and kids are getting the H1N1 vaccine so I’m out picking up shotgun shells in case they “turn”.
    @lukeinvan (Vancouver’s Luke) – 71
  10. Brevity is the soul of wit. Which explains the chuckles in bed.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
  11. You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers.
    And cowardly drivers.
    And slow drivers.
    And drivers who are not me.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 65
  12. After I exfoliate, I’m going to have a latte and maybe drive a little faster than the speed limit, because I’m a man, I think.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58
  13. “I’ve got an appointment with the world’s oldest gynecologist.”
    “You mean a gynosaur?”
    “I hate you.”
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 58
  14. Ugh. If there’s anything I hate more than Sports, it’s probably some other Huey Lewis album.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57
  15. At first I didn’t believe the next building was on fire. I mean, I didn’t hear it on Twitter first, so how could it be true?
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54
  16. I always forget the difference between “succubus” and “incubus”.

    Succubi hang *down* from the roof of caves, and incubi stick *up*, right?
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51
  17. “Buggy jockey” is an insulting term to the Amish and should only be used in the online edition.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 50
  18. Wife: “Did you honestly eat all your kids Halloween candy?”
    Me: “Can you repeat the question without the word ‘honestly’?”
    @lukeinvan (Vancouver’s Luke) – 50
  19. Replace “situation deteriorated/worsened” with “shit [just] got real.” Ex: On day three of the hostage crisis, shit got real.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 48
  20. 75% of attractiveness is confidence. The other 25 is OMG DANIEL STOP EATING FRIED CHICKEN SIX MONTHS AGO.
    @phyllisstein (TEDxTHEGRAVE) – 48
June 28, 2009
  1. I don’t think you understand how far up the fuck you need to shut it.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 109
  2. An astute wife will notice that her husband and children are meeting her at the airport in the same clothes they dropped her off in.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 94
  3. Profoundly funny tweet #2374668822 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 92
  4. Our nation’s celebrity infrastructure is crumbling.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85
  5. I give my wife an M&M. She licks it, returns it, and says: “I passed the test. I will diminish and go into the West and remain Galadriel.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80
  6. I’m sitting next to Snores on a Plane Guy. And Has Bits of Napkin Thrown Gingerly in His Mouth Guy. (Haha, same guy.)
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 80
  7. Coffee is a socially acceptable way for me to drink cream.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76
  8. I’m an atheist, but I kinda get the feeling that God’s putting together a killer Hollywood Squares cast.
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 73
  9. Billy Mays is dead. Police have already identified 303 million suspects.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70
  10. My friend only dates guys that look like him. Total doppelbanger.
    @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 65
  11. Unless you want an endless stream of “So-And-So is a fan of Eucalyptus!”, don’t friend koalas on Facebook.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
  12. Profoundly funny tweet #2376628360 (?)
    @twoname (Unavailable) – 62
  13. But wait… There’s MORE: You start mourning for Farrah and Michael and we’ll throw in, absolutely free of charge, Billy Mays! Crazy!!
    @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 60
  14. Take a minute to hug your celebrities.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59
  15. Profoundly funny tweet #2374001445 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 58
  16. Republicans see themselves as the only true American standard bearers. But in fact, almost anybody can carry a urinal around.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55
  17. Billy Mays died today. I doubt he went quietly.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55
  18. Is the lady in the Hummer compensating for her tiny vagina?
    @Yayaa (Yaya) – 54
  19. I am going to CLEAN THIS HOUSE. But first I need to make THE PERFECT PLAYLIST. Uh-oh, those tracks don’t have album art. FIRST THINGS FIRST.
    @jkubicek (Jim Kubicek) – 53
  20. My son’s speech “Why I Love Guacamole More than Dad” was mostly unintelligible but passionately argued.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 53
June 5, 2009
  1. You don’t believe I outran a cop with my parachute pants around my ankles, eh? Well get ready to have your mind blown, your honor!
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 104
  2. My wife got all upset because she caught me making out with the cat.

    It never seemed to bother her back when he was still alive.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 99
  3. A Canadian in America. Day 1. Trying to blend in with the natives. Haven’t apologized once. Guilt consumes me, but it seems to be working.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92
  4. My mucous plug just came out.

    If this doesn’t make Favrd then Twitter is obviously broken.
    @dooce (Heather B. Armstrong) – 88
  5. I’m starting to think my lack of wealth and power is holding me back.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80
  6. Me: That Celine Dion?
    Cafe Gal: Yeah. The owner likes it.
    M: Does he suffer from head trauma?
    CG: What?
    [pause]
    M: Yeah. She’s pretty great.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 78
  7. Profoundly funny tweet #2043217681 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 78
  8. Karma is a dominatrix that forgot the safe word.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72
  9. I like legs that go *all* the way down. I dated a woman once who hovered 6 inches over the ground and, you know what? Not for me.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 67
  10. Three more days until my iPhone 3G turns into a total piece of crap.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 66
  11. Since lunch I’ve had 2 donuts, 2 coffees and inhaled a lot while writing with a Sharpie. So anyway, this dwarf ficus in my office says “hi.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 66
  12. All jerk and no lay makes Jack go blind.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
  13. “IT WAS JUST A TRANSACTION! I GAVE MONEY AND GOT STUFF!! UNBELIEVABLY UNEVENTFUL!!! I LITERALLY HAVE NO OPINION ABOUT THIS!!! NULL++++++!!!”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 61
  14. Odysseus was forced to endure an odyssey. He must’ve wished his name was Ecstasius. But definitely not, under any circumstances, Tennesseus.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60
  15. My people use every part of the toilet.
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 56
  16. This lighting really emphasizes the red bra I wore under my white shirt and highlights my inability to do one god damn thing right.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 55
  17. David Carradine: Auto erotic asphyxia?

    So, he pretty much came and went?
    @MODAT (Modat) – 55
  18. Whoa whoa whoa. *I’m* not Spartacus.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55
  19. When my job has me troubled, I ask, What Would Jason Do?

    And then I go back to killing teenagers.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54
  20. This girls’ night dinner really picked up steam when the pregnant friend showed us her nipples.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 51
October 28, 2009
  1. Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I’d still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 151
  2. If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 135
  3. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

    If you *still* don’t succeed, there’s always grad school.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87
  4. It’s too bad I’m not gay because I live right near the Castro and I really enjoy sex with men.
    @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 82
  5. For Halloween I’m going as an iPhone. I’ll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 81
  6. Three years ago today, I said, “I do” to no more blow jobs.

    Happy Anniversary, Honey.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 72
  7. The mummy exhibit at the Field Museum is amazing. It’s like you’re really there with Larry King.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #5215541143 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 63
  9. I always cry at my mom’s weddings.
    @Remiel (Remiel) – 60
  10. As I was running 3 cold rainy miles at 5AM it occurred to me that I could just tell the internet I ran, and it couldn’t prove that I didn’t,
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 59
  11. If you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up. Nobody’s reading your story anyway. Get over yourself.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 59
  12. “You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58
  13. Telling me you are a Six Sigma Black Belt has the exact opposite effect you believe it has.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57
  14. I invented a new low intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57
  15. I like it when she screams my name during sex.

    I just wish she wouldn’t send her husband to scare me away from the window.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56
  16. *NEW* A social network for lawyers. Like Twitter except you get 140,000 characters plus a 4-paragraph disclaimer. It’s called Litter.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  17. Funny how people only cite karma when bad things happen to people they don’t like.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54
  18. I have no issue with raisin cookies per se. But if you lead me to believe they are going to be chocolate chip, I get Crying Game flashbacks.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. Well, I have a lot of work to do and it’s not going to get done on its own so I better just pull up my socks and now my ankles are too hot.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  20. Fitted sheets are the reason I drink.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52
October 8, 2009
  1. Sen. Al Franken has crafted legislation with Rep. Marion Berry. Committee chair Kent Chocula has threatened to table the Franken-Berry bill.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 117
  2. Tonight, a young man in the parking garage called me mister. Like, on top of everything else, I needed to bury a body.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 115
  3. Female camels wear tight pants because they enjoy redundancy.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 110
  4. Wearing headphones must be the international distress signal for, “I want to talk to you.”
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 87
  5. My cats must really envy my opposable thumbs. Especially when they have to move their little paws off the home keys to hit the space bar.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 68
  6. I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
    @navanax (50% More Slime) – 67
  7. Life has gotten better since I decided the correct answer to “What would Jesus do?” is always: “Eat a donut.” Good ol’ Jesus.
    @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 66
  8. Sure, I have a minute to talk. But I only had a second to listen, and you wasted it asking that bullshit question.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65
  9. My son asked for a cat, but I said no. One pussy ignoring me in this house is enough.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 60
  10. Met with a troubled friend. I sat quietly, compassionately nodding, wondering when I could ask “Are you going to eat your pastry?”
    @nhmagpie (Unavailable) – 57
  11. My desk plant just told me that huffing markers is dangerous! Heh. Like I take advice from plants.
    @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 55
  12. Locked myself out of the house and had to break in. Chicago Police were nowhere to be seen however, so no White House beers for me.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 55
  13. If it’s gotten the point where you have to say “Stop farting!” it’s too late.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  14. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch, with real cheese. It cost about $18.00. Now I can only afford the Kraft kind. I’m the Irony Chef.
    @navanax (50% More Slime) – 52
  15. Today is allegedly FOX news’ thirteenth birthday. I’ve yet to see the certificate.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 51
  16. Profoundly funny tweet #4714712252 (?)
    @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 48
  17. Whatever. If McCain was President he would be on top of his desk right now scared and mystified by the Oval Office’s ROOMBA.
    @thejohnblog (John ) – 44
  18. “I think, therefore I are.” - René Descartes feat. Timbaland
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 42
  19. What kind of weather should I expect when my iPhone app shows a picture of Madonna and Guy Ritchie? Guess I’ll take a scarf.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42
  20. Awkward: casually using ‘google’ as a verb in a meeting with the team that considers Google its biggest competition.
    @jimray (Jim Ray) – 41
July 31, 2009
  1. Dinner, movie tickets, chloroform – this date is costing me a fortune! Hopefully I’ll make a little back with whatever I find in her purse.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91
  2. You find a woman that loves beef jerky, you hold on to her.

    You hear me, boy? You hold on to her!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76
  3. Look at the bright side. If they never find the baby, we can turn its room into that home arcade I was talking about.

    HER room. Whatever.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56
  4. This salad could use a little more cookie dough.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56
  5. In the shower this morning I was so tired I didn’t even put my hair into the Ferris Bueller Shampoo Mohawk. (haha jk I always make a FBSM!)
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 55
  6. I assured the new neighbors that even though it was a requirement of my parole, I was still eager to meet them and their children.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 53
  7. Every time I’m called to a meeting at the last second and not told what it’s for, I’m sure it’s an intervention.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52
  8. I’m not sure I’m using this vibrating toothbrush for its intended purpose. My teeth are really clean, though.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
  9. I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings.
    @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 51
  10. Obama ended the Beer Summit by giving each man one trillion dollars. So problem solved.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #2950271292 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 51
  12. Having a full-time job sure cramps my drifter lifestyle.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  13. Profoundly funny tweet #3057869695 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50
  14. I would complain to my waitress about the poor service and food, but I don’t want to get kicked out of my own house. Again.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49
  15. My other car is a Decepticon. Think about that before you cut me off again, motherfucker.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49
  16. Oh look! A flip phone! It’s SOOOO CUTE! Look! Buttons! You’re ADORABLE! [Patronizing air kisses.]
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48
  17. I wouldn’t say I am a showoff about getting to work early, but I am clearly the John Hancock of the A.M. sign-in sheet.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47
  18. It took awhile but, I can finally take “dial rotary phone with penis” off my to-do list.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 47
  19. I’m going to start calling ‘drinking beer’ 'healing racial injustice.’ I, too, have a dream. This weekend, I’m going to end racism.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47
  20. If I got pulled over for going 85 right now, I think I would mostly just be proud of my car.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 46
July 8, 2009
  1. Profoundly funny tweet #2533760080 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 115
  2. I recently figured out that they allow adults to play in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese if you just stop crying and put down the knife.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 86
  3. I wondered what the ultimate super-villain would be.

    Then it hit me.

    Lord Adolf Skeletortron.

    And that’s why I’m scared to go to sleep.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82
  4. I just visited a Colombian village where everyone had a tiny burro. And when they said “riding my burrito,” I didn’t laugh. I did not laugh.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 78
  5. Ow. Air quote cramp.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
  6. 6yr old: “MOM, DAD GAVE US ICE CREAM FOR DINNER”

    Wife: “That’s the last time he’s in charge of supper”

    2yr old: “aww shit”
    @lukeinvan (Vancouver’s Luke) – 71
  7. The worst part of eating too much ice cream is running out of ice cream.

    And obesity, but I didn’t want to be all “first world problemy”.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 69
  8. I like to sit with my back against the wall so I’m not surprised by gunslingers. It’s worked so far.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67
  9. You know what would really improve this library? An open bar.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 66
  10. I bought sunscreen in Cartagena.
    Its brand name is “Tanga Sport.”
    Tanga is Spanish for “thong.”

    Thong Sport.

    I do hope this is sunscreen.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 63
  11. No, cow. I don’t have food. I was just trying to get your attention.

    It’s a joke. “Hay”. “Hey”. Get it?

    Why do I explain jokes to cows?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
  12. Look, I don’t have $350 but I DO have this coupon good for one week of doing the dishes! C'mon, hookers have to be flexible in this economy.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 62
  13. Leaving work early. Like a maverick!
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 61
  14. I’m calling to see if you received the email I sent you 30 seconds ago, because you haven’t replied yet. I’ll just come down to your office.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60
  15. This gas station sushi would be a lot easier to keep down if the rice would stop squirming.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59
  16. I would enjoy running more if it didn’t involve standing, moving my legs or being sober.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59
  17. Ask Me About My Ennui.

    Or Not.

    Whatever.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 58
  18. If loving her is wrong, at least it’s consistent with all of my other choices.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 56
  19. Dear Sarah Palin, THERE’S NO ‘DEPARTMENT OF LAW’ YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSFACE. READ SHIT. R-E-A-D S-H-I-T. Then leave us the fuck alone.
    @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 55
  20. “I’m taking my temperature the old fashioned way.”
    “Anal?”
    “Thought you’d never ask!”
    “I hate you.”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54
December 3, 2009
  1. How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck’s fucking project manager?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 178
  2. It never ceases to amaze me how generous strangers can be this time of year when you show them a knife.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 148
  3. When I die, I want my body donated to political science. That department won’t know what to do with it. Hilarious.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 110
  4. I put the redundant in “redundant”.

    Which is why I spell it “redunredundantdant”.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107
  5. My youngest asked if he was my favorite.

    It’s like he forgot we even had a dog.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 103
  6. Got my Christmas shopping done early! It’s easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 96
  7. Hey clouds – why so cirrus?
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 84
  8. The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 84
  9. I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects “fuck that” to “yes, dear”.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 81
  10. Sometimes I eat a lot of cheese, and other times I eat a lot of cheese but don’t tell you because it’s my secret cheese eating time.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80
  11. A “homonym” is a nym attracted to nyms of the same gender.
    @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 76
  12. Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator.
    @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 70
  13. “I’m not good with words,” Tom said, not good with wordsly.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68
  14. Took a drug test today. I was surprised they gave out free beer. It was a little warm and tasted like Budweiser but I wasn’t complaining.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 65
  15. I just returned from my son’s holiday concert and one thing is painfully clear. There are far too many ‘Days of Christmas’.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62
  16. I’m worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She’s threatened to use them against me if I don’t stop sending them to her.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 61
  17. My little mnemonic memory tricks might seem silly, but I’ve never once forgotten my wife’s name.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55
  18. He who lives by the sword, um… Okay, this is embarrassing. I kind of got distracted thinking about swords.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55
  19. Don’t think of me as a backseat driver, but as your car cohost. Full of witicisms such as, “You almost hit that guy” and “Left. LEFT. LEFT!”
    @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 53
  20. I want to save the wow factor for the interview, so I didn’t mention in my cover letter how my farts sound like Santa sobbing in the shower.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53
July 2, 2009
  1. Don’t cry, little hipster. Unicycling ironically is hard.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 112
  2. Wife: “We’re like those people that sit around and insult everyone.”
    Me: “No, honey. We’re not *like* those people.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 101
  3. I’m off to hunt burrito. I will eat the filling now and then fashion a jacket out of the tortillas later.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 92
  4. “Either that foosball table goes or I go.” Her exact words! GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 84
  5. The US economy has shed enough jobs to look good in a bikini again.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76
  6. Does this full body tattoo of John Candy make me look fat?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 74
  7. Man oh man do I have a lot of tough questions for underwear inspector 12.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 72
  8. I plan to drink Belgian beer, eat Polish sausages, and shoot off Chinese fireworks to celebrate America’s independence.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64
  9. Son, please take your crocs off because we don’t want you wearing shoes when you climb up on the furniture and jump on daddy’s balls.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 64
  10. Out of the way, Canada. It’s time to blow shit up, America style.
    @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 57
  11. The only difference I notice between this oral thermometer and this rectal one is the taste.
    @blankslate (Alex) – 55
  12. Don’t you hate it when you break into your neighbor’s house to borrow sugar and you end up in their underwear using their toothbrush?
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55
  13. Oh, happy Canada Day, Canadians! You guys are all right.

    Your geese, though. Your geese are assholes.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 54
  14. Be careful with fireworks, kids. 

    Missing fingers today means less masturbating tomorrow.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54
  15. I’m going to be home this weekend, but Jim informs me he still plans to dress up my pillow in my underpants and hump it.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 51
  16. Isn’t it sweet how 3-year-olds are SUPER FUCKING PICKY ABOUT THE WAY YOU SERVE EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING FOOD THAT THEY EAT?
    @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 50
  17. for sale: one caps lock key. brand new, never used, not even once. ten dollars or best offer. please contact e.e.cummings@gmail.com
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 48
  18. Oh shit you guys, Iran cracked down on the protestors! MAKE YOUR ICONS GREENER
    @nick (Nick Douglas) – 48
  19. Did Favrd just turn 50?
    @giromide (Pantse Macabre) – 47
  20. My brain just walked out the door and started his holiday weekend. It sucks having a brain with legs.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44
June 25, 2009
  1. I hid in the jello tree and as the glowing hamburgers passed by, their whale song began to echo.

    I gonna buy a CASE of this cold medicine.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 97
  2. I guess this is just another one of my little quirks but I HATE it when Mom tries to high-five me while we’re watching gay porn.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 93
  3. I need to talk my wife into letting me take naked pictures of her. Otherwise I won’t be able to explain these naked pictures of her.
    @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 86
  4. Never give your penis an imposing name like “Mjölnir” or “The Butcher of Kiev”.

    Lowered expectations are your friend.

    I suggest “Murray”.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 85
  5. RIP Farrah Fawcett Obituary News Coverage
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71
  6. HEY GUYS! I JUST HAD FREE SUSHI! HIGH FIVES!

    Don’t leave me hanging, guys!

    Geez.

    Somebody die or something?

    Jerks.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  7. My thoughts and prayers are with Michael Jackson’s family, monkey, and Elephant Man skeleton.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67
  8. Twitter is an extremely powerful medium for communicating the death of celebrities.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67
  9. I am stunned. I lived in a mid-sized, majority white town when Thriller broke. Didn’t get called nigger for that whole year. Thanks, Mike.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 65
  10. Getting my car inspected. Enjoying the short lines, free donuts, cappuccino and wi-fi. Chatting with the friendly personnel.

    Ha-ha. No.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 63
  11. CNN has just reported that, according to Twitter, Micheal Jackson is dead.
    @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 61
  12. Breaking News: Michael Jackson taken to children’s hospital.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60
  13. Not sure whether to turn my avatar black or white.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 60
  14. Would my hippie dress be more acceptable to you if I told you I caught and skinned the hippie myself?
    @MsHiss (Hissy) – 60
  15. RIP Michael Jordan.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 57
  16. Judging by the tone of this restraining order, I’m starting to think you don’t appreciate the flowers I’ve been sending to your wife.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57
  17. North Korea is threatening a ‘fire shower’ attack. I fear they have figured out a way to remotely flush our toilets.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  18. You can take my pants, but you’ll never take my…actually, no, carry on, I’d like to see where you’re going with this.
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 53
  19. I am going to assume that what you said was funny, and I am going to laugh so you will think I am smart.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53
  20. If only there were some way to harness the power of Twitter to communicate lunch choices.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51
May 29, 2009
  1. When the checkout girl is bagging up a handle of vodka and four pregnancy tests, I find a little wink really completes the moment.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 155
  2. A Tennessee man has set a U.S. record by fathering 21 children with 11 mothers. Now that I know it’s a contest, GAME ON.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 115
  3. Oh, no. But thank you.

    No, no I’m fine. I just ate.

    HEY. SHIT-FOR-BRAINS. I DON’T WANT CANDY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU.

    Fucking toddlers.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 90
  4. My superpowers include being able to use my turn signal, bag my own groceries, and keep my fucking mouth shut during the movie.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 80
  5. I forgot this recipe. Do you eat the noodle brick or the flavor packet first? I only recall that you drink the boiling water at the end.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 79
  6. At the Microsoft cafeteria, it’s called Pasta ‘N’ Cheese.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 78
  7. Call me a snob if you must. But I only drink single malt milkshakes.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 73
  8. Whoever wrote “Broking” in black Sharpie on this now-functioning parking meter is a true unsung everyday American hero.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 72
  9. Me: How many eyes do I have?
    Boy: 2!
    Me: Ears?
    Boy: 2!
    Me: Noses?
    Boy: 1!
    Me: Mouths?
    Boy: 1!
    Me: Chins?
    Boy: 2!
    Me: Go to bed.
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 71
  10. Sometimes I like to pass up a rest area just to see how long I can hold it.

    Sent from the bushes on the side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 69
  11. Birth control isn’t fool proof.

    Take yourself for example.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67
  12. At 88¢, GM stock is no longer valuable enough to stuff into a stripper’s g-string.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65
  13. I am become Sisyphus and this dishwasher is my rock.

    Except my wife helps sometimes.

    Sisyphus should have been nicer to his wife.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  14. North Korea is firing off missiles like there’s no tomorrow.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55
  15. Gf’s niece and nephew are coming over today. I’m not really sure how to interact with children too young to get my jokes about selling them.
    @poeks (Poeks) – 53
  16. Nothing makes me go from cunt to sweetheart faster than a flirty old man in a suit and clever hat.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52
  17. I’d totally consider joining the Army if they offered Basic Training through a series of at-home webinars. No yelling or push-ups, thanks.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50
  18. People who live in plexiglass houses should hold hockey tournaments.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49
  19. Coworker to me, in bathroom: “We’re having an evacuation drill in 15 minutes.”

    “OK, I’m having mine now.”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 47
  20. Wikipedia’s banning of scientologists is particularly annoying to Tom Cruise because he *just* got that computer table lowered.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 46