it was under the stars
under the moon that was the only constant we knew
you whispered those words in my ears.
they were dirty and taboo
and you had that cocksure grin on your face,
acting as if this was normal,
that you weren’t nervous,
but i could hear the waver in your voice,
the slight hesitation.
i shut you up the only was i knew.
i grabbed you by the lapels if your jacket
and yanked you towards my body
and while i kissed you
you kissed me back.
you promised me things,
said things that i was foolish to believe
and like the naive child i was,
i cherished every sound.
under that same constant moon,
you looked at me with sightless eyes
and said it was all a mistake.
i asked if it was because of dad,
if he found out about this,
but you shook your head
and told me
that you didn’t want me anymore.
looking at you.
being near you.
so i did the only thing i knew how to do.
i hopped abroad that midnight train
under that constant moon.
now i hear that you’re mowing graveyards
doing something so normal
that it’s nearly abnormal
and i wish that it was our yard,
that you were mowing.
that yard you had promised me that one summer night.
and that we were looking at that same constant moon
I don’t get many asks, hardly any, but one person actually sent one in just to say that they enjoyed my Jazz Band AU and wondered if I would ever add on to it??
That was extremely nice and it melted my heart! Thank you, Anon. So, here we go, more DEH Jazz Band, one character at a time!
-We know she plays guitar already, but she is also really good at drums.
-Convinced all her friends to join.
-Jared once balanced fidget spinners on her guitar while she was practicing and she was holding back screams
(“Kleinman, I swear to god I’ll destroy you”)
-Jams out with Alana sometimes because it’s a nice way for the two of them to destress (Zoe has played her a love song once or twice.)
(You’d never know he’s new to playing instruments. He’s that good.)
-Zoe forced him to join so they could possibly bring the family back together after his suicide attempt (see first Jazz Band AU post.)
-Definitely has played Careless Whisper to make everyone uncomfortable
-Loves when Evan is cheering for him <3
-If people are being too loud at practices, he screams into his saxophone to shut them up. 100% happens at least once a week.
-Trombone player for the sole purpose of doing the “wah wah waAAAH” sound whenever someone messes up.
-Interrupts conversations with it for fun.
The band teacher is no longer phased by it.
-Has had a loudness competition with Connor and Alana. He won and has never been more proud of anything.
-It was extra hard to even get him to join Jazz Band. Zoe told him about the weird jokes that usually form in band (as a person in a jazz band myself, this is extremely true.) he joined to learn the memes because that’s Jared.
-Does homework in the back when bored. Gets caught almost always.
-Hot Crossed Buns master!
-Trumpet! She can also play the flute because of lessons she did when she was little, but prefers the loudness of a brass instrument (just like the transition between instruments, Alana became louder and more confident. Yay!)
-Stares at Zoe during practice sometimes a lot. (Jared teases her about it.)
-Got a few solos!
-Her high functioning anxiety makes her want to practice a lot so she can be perfect and not mess up/embarrass herself in front of everyone. She believes that she’ll be a disappointment if she fails. Connor admits he feels the same way about band because of what he did to his family. They connect over this.
-Makes music puns. A lot. (“You’re gonna get in treble, Jared.” “Shut uP!” “But puns are my forte!”)
-Music calms her down, so when Zoe asked her to join, she said yes because she thought it might help with her stress.
-Not in band. Mr. Hansen can not play an instrument to save his life.
(“Does a recorder count?” “You still have yours from 5th grade?!” “I was talented!”)
-Goes to all the concerts.
-Jazz Band has really helped Connor recover and become a better person with all the support he’s been getting. Evan loves seeing him smile while he rocks out on his saxophone.
-Has a shirt that that says “I heart jazz” and the heart is made of music notes. The gang finds it hilarious.
-Snacks! He likes to watch them practice so he is always ready with the candy and chips.
They love music.
They love each other.
Okay, so I’m on the toilet, right? And my phone’s battery died so I was casually singing “Think of Me” from the musical “Phantom of the Opera” to amuse myself because I heard it being played in the house…
…then my musically-conscious family scolds me for “watching YouTube videos” because they need the bathroom and taking too much time.
I received a prompt asking for sub!Maka and dom!Soul from an anon, and this is what I came up with. It may seem familiar because I did post it and then deleted it for personal reasons.
This is part of my butler AU that I’ve been talking to eisschirmchen about which will come into full play later on. Also, thanks to lucyrne for looking this thing over.
His teeth were always her favorite part when it came to kissing. The way he used them to nibble on her bottom lip, tugging and pulling at the flesh until she couldn’t handle it anymore, drove her wild. Her skin was heated and her core clenched; she had to constantly rub her thighs together to satisfy it even a little bit. She wiggled her body slightly under the pressure of his abdomen, trying to find a more comfortable spot as she threaded her fingers through his hair. His white locks were thick and fluffy, allowing her fingers to run through them smoothly. Soul contently hummed into her mouth as she dug her nails into his scalp, and his hand gripped her rear making her moan in pleasure.
All of her senses were going wild; she felt every single move he made no matter how small it was. His erection pressed against her when he hips slightly bucked downward, and the heat in her abdomen ignited, touching every last bit of her. They were only in their boxers and panties, and she was getting desperate. She wasn’t entirely sure how much longer she could go on with the teasing and nipping, and she felt like she would combust any minute. She wanted him — all of him. She wanted to feel him moving inside her, his hot seed filling every last bit of her.
He broke away from her, and she was going to berate him for it but his hands were sliding up her sides. They were highly distracting as they grazed over her skin, his thumbs making sure to pay special attention to the underside of her breast. However, much to her dismay, he didn’t spend long on her chest. He gently wrapped his hands around her arms, moving them upward until they were grasping her wrists. He then positioned them above her head so that they were practically hugging one of the bars. The smirk he gave her should have left her questioning his motives, but her brain was too sex crazed to think beyond the surface.
It took her several seconds to realize that he was only gripping her wrists with one hand while the other searched through her nightstand. Maka side eyed his actions before throwing him a quizzical look. His smirk only grew wider and more devilish; her stomach churned in both excitement and worry. She should have been familiar with his actions by now, but she wasn’t. Her butler liked to keep his emotions under wraps unless she just happened to pull his dick out of his pants and tease his head with the small flick of her tongue. That was the only time he let his guard down, among other times.
For me personally, I think self love/confidence is one of those things that comes with time. I also think it’s not one of those ultimate, tangible end goals. It’s something that has periods of ups and downs throughout our lives and is constantly changing in one way or another. There have been periods of my life where I have felt a lack of confidence in certain areas of my life and with specific aspects of myself. There have been other periods where things have felt perfect, and I have felt content and confident. I think in life, confidence is not one of those concrete things that is like “yay! I am confident now about everything and that will never, ever change”. I think it’s so normal to have periods throughout our life where we feel uncertain and unconfident about something or multiple things. I think it’s also normal to feel periods of confidence and to allow yourself to feel proud of your achievements. Our society has kind of made it to where it’s ‘cool’ to hate on yourself, but I personally think confidence is one of the most important things we can find and feel. It encourages us to reach for our dreams and to take crazy chances and to block the negative things that may come our way. It keeps us pushing us forward and it allows us to really be ourselves, without concern of what others may think or say. Confidence is incredibly important and special, so don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
When we feel unconfident about ourselves or our lives, I think it can really help to just take some time to reflect. Why are we unhappy? What is keeping us from not feeling confident? Are these things that we can fix? For example, I did not feel confident about my body after my freshman year of college. I gained about 15 pounds (which is a lot when you are 5′0-5′1″), and I didn’t feel like ‘me’, physically. For years, I kind of brushed it off, not willing to dive in and make any actual changes. However, about eight or nine months ago, I started working out and lifting weights. I also started to be mindful about the things I put into my body, and I adopted a more balanced diet along with giving up alcohol. I lost about 10-15 pounds last semester, and I feel confident with my body again. I feel confident wearing denim shorts and jeans, for the first time since high school. I feel proud of the lifestyle changes I have made, and I am happy that I took a proactive approach to solving that problem, as minuscule as it may seem in the grand scheme of life. If you have something in your life that is draining your confidence, figure out if there is a solution to fix it. If you are struggling in a class and it is getting you down, try to see if there is a way to improve and solve that specific problem. However, sometimes in our lives, we have sources of unhappiness that we can not change. In that case, we have to learn to love ourselves regardless of that ‘imperfection’ and to accept that somethings are just not in our control. Things in life aren’t always permanent, and things do get better (as cliche as it totally is)- whether it’s from the way life changes to the way our mindset changes. I think it’s important to realize that those ‘imperfections’ make us who we are; they make us special and unique. When we start to take those things we see as imperfections and start to see them as the qualities that make us who we are and unique, we feel more confident. We have to learn that we can’t control everything. There will be points of our lives where we feel frustrated and defeated over the things that are not in our control, but we have to learn to do the very best we can, while always keeping a positive, resilient attitude.
I think when it comes to confidence, people tend to associate that with our physical appearance. But I feel like confidence can come from such a deeper place, and it can come from different areas of our life. For example, doing well academically in college really helped boost my overall confidence with myself and my life. I felt proud, and I felt confident when I achieved my personal academic goals and I could see the results of my hard work. Confidence doesn’t necessarily come from just the way we feel about our ‘outer shell’, but it comes from a combination of areas in our life from school/work, relationships, and personal goals. Speaking of personal goals, I find that setting personal goals for yourself can really help give confidence. Those goals can be tiny or huge; either way, they motivate us and give us confidence when we achieve them. Even when we fall short, we still can feel confident because we know we tried our hardest, learned something new, and experienced growth. I am a huge goal setter, and I firmly believe they are incredibly important for finding confidence.
In a world dictated by social media and filled with this immense pressure to be perfect, I think it’s important to take the time to realize that you don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes, and that those mistakes and imperfections don’t need to affect our confidence and our longterm views of ourself. At the end of the day, all we can do is be ourselves and do the very best we can. I think making a gratitude list can be very helpful. Write the things and people in your life that you are grateful for. Write the things you love about you! Recognize your talents and strengths. This is incredibly important. What matters most is how you feel about you, and I can promise you that you have strengths and skills. Throughout life, regardless of which path you choose, people will try to bring you down or tell you that you can’t do something. Don’t listen to them. Keep being you and doing the things in life that bring you the most joy. Speaking of people, reflect on the people in your life that you are surrounded by. Do they encourage you and make you feel confident or do they bring you down? I think it’s so, so essential to cleanse yourself of toxic people that are in your life. Surround yourself with positive, encouraging people that inspire you to be the best version of you. Some of my personal lows of confidence and happiness were when I was surrounded by negative, toxic friends that discouraged me from achieving my goals and brought me down. Now that I have an encouraging circle of people in my life, I feel more confident about achieving my goals and being myself unapologetically. It is better to be alone than in bad company, I can promise you that. Sometimes we have to be our biggest cheerleader and tell ourselves that we can achieve.
Something I have learned about confidence throughout college is that we can help ourselves find confidence when we encourage others. Three to four years ago, I felt like the way I treated others at times was a reflection of my own insecurities and unhappiness. It becomes a negative cycle. When we are negative and hurtful and critical, we affect the people around us and our own level of confidence. Compliment others, find their strengths, be open minded, encourage your friends and family to achieve their dreams, be there for people in times of trouble, volunteer, and do positive things without any expectation of reward. I am a big believer in karma- especially good karma. When we do good, good things come. Even if you don’t feel content and confident, continue to encourage others and be a positive source in their life. Your sunshine and confidence will come in its own time.
Lastly, I think it’s important to realize that everybody struggles with confidence at some point in their lives. Whether that struggle comes from body image to school to relationship troubles, we all have aspects of our life that cause us frustration and turmoil. We can choose to let those struggles defeat us or we can choose to let them motivate us to keep trying our best and striving towards the person we want to become. Find what makes you feel alive and what makes you joyful and confident. Never stop searching for those things and cling onto those positive sources when you find them.
Sorry if that was a bit rambly and ridiculously long, but just my personal take on finding confidence. There is of course no perfect answer to finding confidence, but those are some things I have kind of reflected on throughout my journey with confidence the past few years :)