YOU-JOKE

This guy was going to tell my parents all my secrets and I was like, “jokes on you, this is a dream so it won’t actually affect me!” and he was like, “I’m going to come out of the dream and tell them in real life” and man was I so scared.

BTS REACTION: Them being insecure and you comforting them

@thewitchofthewillowtree Thanks for everything, you’re such a doll 😭.

Seokjin

He was on top of you, kissing you slowly, breaking the kiss only to remove his shirt. You were staring at him, taking in his beautiful face and body. “Everything about you is so sexy,”. Seokjin laughed, “Not my fingers”. Despite the fact that he meant it as a joke, you didn’t appreciate the joke because you knew he was insecure about them. You demanded his hand and after he gave it to you, you stared into his eyes and sucked them one by one. He watched you with lust and surprise on his face. “Like I said, every part is incredibly sexy. Because they’re apart of you, and I love YOU,”. Smiling his kissed your lips softly. “Thank you Jagi, I love you too,”.

Namjoon

You were watching Namjoon during his photo shoot, unable to tear your eyes from the gorgeous man in front if you. The sexy looks and smiles he sent your way made you eager to have him alone. So as soon as you entered your home, you threw him on the couch, straddling him. “You don’t know how sexy you are,”. He chuckled, “I really don’t,”. You could tell by his expression he meant it. “Why don’t you believe you’re good looking?”. Shrugging, he looked away from you. “I was always told by fans that I wasn’t,”. You slowly slid peppered kisses on his jawline “I happen to think you’re perfect,” you said looking into his eyes. He blushed and pulled you close for a deep kiss. “I love you,”.

Yoongi

The two of you were walking a fairly busy street at night, drinking coffee and talking. You were excited about pictures from his most recent concert and raved about how handsome and sexy he was. Chuckling, he made an off hand comment: “I’m not good looking,”. You paused and glared at him. “I am SO sick of you saying things like that! Matter of fact…”. You walked over to the nearest bench, stood on it, and screamed, “MIN YOONGI IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM!! HIS EYES, HIS SMILE, HIS LIPS, EVEN HIS NOSE IS CU-”. Wrapping his arms around you waist, he snatched you down for the bench and covered your mouth. “OKAY I GET IT Y/N”. Pulling you along after him, he muttered a thank you as you noticed the blush on his face.

Hoseok

“The maknaes deserve to go on Hit the Stage more than I do,”. As soon as Hoseok said those words, you got upset. He had filmed for a variety show the other day and the episode finally aired while he was at practice. The words upset you because he always underestimated his abilities. When he came home and greeted you, you told him you needed to speak with him. He became nervous and asked why and you showed him the clip. “Why do you do this?? We all know you work harder than ANYBODY on the choreography! Dance is YOUR thing!! Jimin and Jungkook have plenty of other things. Let yourself have a chance to shine, okay?? STOP UNDERESTIMATING YOURSELF, YOU’RE AMAZING!!”. By time you finished you were yelling and he was silent. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell I just…wish you’d believe in yourself a bit more sometimes,”. Wrapping his arms around your waist, he shook his head. “No, you’re right Jagi. I’ll be more confident, okay?”

Jimin

He was distant all day and wouldn’t tell you what was wrong. It was late afternoon and you had finally had enough. You strolled into the bedroom and jumped on him where he lay. When he made no attempt to move you, you straddled him. “Ya! Park Jimin! You’re gonna tell me what’s going on RIGHT NOW. I’m your girlfriend, let me support you,” you demanded angrily. He sighed and pulled you into his arms, hiding his face in your neck. “I gained 20 lbs…are you disgusted with me?”. You didn’t respond, only pulled away from him and began to tug at the hem of his shirt. He started to object, wanting to be serious but you simply said, “Take it off,” in a tone he’d never heard you use. After he complied, you kissed him slowly and softly, tasting him throughly. Then you trailed wet kisses along his jawline, neck, and chest. You made sure you take sure to go excruciatingly slow on his stomach, placing kisses so gentle he found it endearing. “Jimin, no matter what you look like, I’ll always love you.But if you must know, you’re perfect to me,”. He began to get teary and he pulled you into his arms, not trusting himself not to cry if he spoke.

Taehyung

“Y/N, am I…wierd?”. You cocked your head at Taehyung when he asked you that question. “Did something happen?” you asked. “Well, the fans still tease me about being super wierd so I was just wondering if I should stop..”. You got irritated by that, “Stop what? Being yourself?”. Before he could respond you grabbed his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “You just think differently than others. Even if you do act a little crazy sometimes, it’s not a bad thing, Tae. In fact, your crazy, overactive personality is what I love about you. So don’t let anyone stop you from being yourself,”. Smiling, he drew you into his arms, cooing about how cute you were, smoothering you in kisses.

Jungkook

“Take it from the top,” the man said with obvious frustration. Jungkook sighed, leaned into the mic and began singing the song beautifully. That is, until he suddenly cut off for the 6th time in a row. “You know what? I think we need a break. Take 10 everybody,” the man announced, drawing a hand over his face. He turned to you. “Please talk to him. Find out what’s going on,”.

You had come to Jungkook’s recording session for a new solo song to support him. But so far, he seemed highly upset and unsatisfied with everything— specifically himself. You watched as he threw his papers on the floor before sliding down the wall, sitting beside them. You came over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Kook, what’s going on? You sounded amazing, why do you keep getting upset?”. He was visibly upset, a distant look in his eyes. “It’s not good enough. I can’t hit the notes I used to. My voice sounds a lot harsher too..”. Your eyes widen in surprise; you never knew he was insecure about the way his voice sounded, but then again, his voice WAS finally changing. You shook your head and held his head in your hands, forcing him to look at you. “Jungkook, your voice is changing so of course it doesn’t sound the same. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful. It sounds richer and actually those high notes were even better than Jimin’s,”. He chuckled softly at that. You took the opportunity to make him laugh again, because the sentimental stuff wasn’t really either of your things. You stood up and attempt to sing and dance “Cheer Up” by Twice. He laughed so hard tears formed, begging you to stop. You laughed along with him, sitting down again, going back to being talking. “Besides, if you really sucked, Yoongi definitely would’ve told you by now. But seriously…I believe in you Kook. You’re amazing and this song will be too. So you know, give it your best,”. He blushed, pulled you in his arms and shyly kissed you. “I love you,” he whispered.

anonymous asked:

I hate when I ask customers something and they respond with "whatever is easiest for you". I know they're just trying to be helpful, but it doesn't actually help me at all. just tell me what you want and I'll do it for you

I joke back that “the easiest for me is to go home. Now what one did you want again” 9 out of ten will pick one and the tenth will always make me pick so I always go for the least favorite selling item I can to move the product.

-Rodney

3

wolfe family home, windenburg 10:49pm

[movie playing in background]

mollie: uhhh what are you doing…

zia: what the fuck does it look like i’m doing?? the entire project? by myself? because you have no clue what you’re doing?

mollie: [rolls eyes] you’re joking right? i’ve done everything cus your small lil shakey ass hands cant even pour stuff out of a test tube!!!! you’ve broken 3 so far and spilled some unknown liquid all over the rug already. you would be lost without me????

zia: if youre going to be a bitch-

mollie: if I’M going to be a bitch?? you’re kidding right, i-

zia: [shouts] just leave dude, indi will help me. right indi??

indigo: no i wont?? keep me out of this. also, would yall mind shutting up any time soon? its almost to the good part…

  • Adam: I’ll work on my valedictorian speech. How’s this for an opening joke?
  • “You know what the toughest part of being a bisexual working class hard of hearing student at Aglionby was? The discrimination."
  • I believe that’s what you call observational humor.
Autumn | Min Yoongi

Paring: Min Yoongi + Reader

Genre: idek

Word Count: 437

Author’s note: I didn’t bother proof reading this so I’m sorry if it’s a mess. This is based of a true story btw :’) I wrote this out of experience.

Originally posted by peachy-yg

“Take a picture. it’ll last longer,”

That’s how Min Yoongi’s obsession with taking pictures of you began. You said it as a joke while you guys were out looking at cherry blossoms, Unfortunately for Yoongi, he took it seriously. So now every time the both of you are out he either takes his camera or his phone with him.

"Y/N, stay still.” He says taking his phone out.

“Yoongi are you serious? I wanted to spend time with my best friend today without the use of electronics,” You whined.

“Isn’t this called spending time together?” He says too focused on taking a picture of you.

You sighed, “Well, it is,”

“Then why are you whining on about?” He frowns looking at you.

“It’s just,” You looked down at your feet.

“I missed you okay?” You said feeling the heat on your cheeks.

He kept his gaze on you; you looked so ethereal standing there under the wilting trees, blushing and looking down on your feet under the sky, your sun-kissed skin glowing, you looked so goddamn beautiful.

“Y/N,” He sighs walking closer to you.

He puts his hand on your head and leans in to kiss your forehead. “I missed you more,” He whispers resting his chin on your head.

The both of you stood there in silence, the sound of your beating heart is all you can hear.

Autumn was when you fell in love with him.

Suddenly a leaf fell on top of your heads, you both snapped out of your thoughts to giggle about the leaf.

You stared at his eyes. His eyes filled with adoration, “I love you,” You whispered.

Yoongi stood there, frozen. His hand never leaving your waist, you don’t know how his hand ended up on your waist. You suddenly felt scared.

“I understand if you don’t share the same feelings as I do,” You cursed yourself internally. You ruined everything.

“I understand if you only see me as a friend. I have loved you since last year and it’s been killing me because every time we hang out to see the sunset I can’t help but fall in love with you and the sunset more because of how beautiful you two are. The sight of you and the fucking sunset intentionally made me feel free,” You rambled water blurring your eyes.

“I love you so fucking much okay? I hope you know that.” You said in between sniffles.

“I love you too,”

Autumn was when your heart soared across the sky and set yourself free from everything.

Good morning have some

Kukui dad jokes

Thank you for your time have a nice day

[Image description: Professor Kukui along with Sun and Moon (the two protagonists of the Pokemon Sun and Moon games and manga) is standing on a yacht, exclaiming “Oh, you’re up? Hey Up, I’m Kukui.” - Moon looks horrified to hear this atrocious dad joke and Sun holds his arms out to the side, whispering “Why.”]

Gonna be thinking about this all day tomorrow 😳

“I need ya to come with me,” Daryl says as you walk up to him.
“Okay… why?” You question.
“We’ve gotta sort out the supplies we brought back yesterday. I forgot, an’ Rick was pissed,” he explains.
“Oh shit! Did he shout at you?” You joke.
“He almost put me in time out!” He laughs. You both walk along to the supply garage and start unpacking your rucksacks and putting items on the shelf after writing them down in the inventory book. Daryl’s putting some tins on the shelf and he looks over to you bending over writing in the book. He can see straight down your vest and starts getting excited, palming his crotch and moving around trying to get in a comfortable position. You look up, see his face is flushed and that he’s making odd movements, squatting slightly and standing back up.
“You okay Daryl?”
“Wha? Yeah, fine,” he grumbles.
“You look uncomfortable. What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’! Jus’ leave it,” he growls, turning around to face the wall and tucking his cock into the waistband of his boxers to hide his erection.
“Okay, okay, I’ll drop it,” you surrender, carrying on with stock checking.
About an hour later you’re finally finished and Daryl’s calmed himself down for now. You and Daryl had always had a thing for each other, but neither of you had acted on it and instead danced around the subject if anyone ever said anything. You both headed back to the house you shared and you went upstairs to shower whilst Daryl started dinner. Once he heard the shower turn off he decided to go and ask what drink you wanted with dinner and as he got to your bedroom door he saw you putting on your panties and slipping one of Daryl’s old tops he’d given you months ago over your body. His jaw dropped and his member reacted to the sight of you. He clears his throat and you turn to face him.
“Sorry, I was in a world of my own, what did you say?” You apologise.
“Oh, nothin’, just wondered if ya wanted some wine tonight?”
“Yes please, I’ll be down in a minute,” you smile. He heads downstairs quietly, adjusting himself again. You follow soon after and as soon as you get to the bottom of the stairs he’s on you, pouncing like a tiger, pinning you against the wall.
“Daryl!” You gasp as your wrists are pushed above your head.
“D'ya want this as much as me?” He growls next to your ear, almost kissing your neck, but hovering just above your skin.
“Yes,” you exhale, wanting him to connect with your body.
“Ya sure?”
“Yes Daryl, I want this,” you repeat, bucking your hips up into his and feeling his erection dig into your pelvis. He rips off your underwear with one tug and throws it to the ground then unbuckles his belt one handed and pushes his trousers and boxers down simultaneously. You help him get his top off and he lifts yours over your head. Once naked, he takes a look at your body from top to toe, automatically touching his cock and stroking it at the sight of you. You take in his body, from his broad shoulders down to his feet, and feel wetness drip down inside of you. He steps forward, lifting you up with ease, then lowers you onto his hard cock, pressing you into the wall. He holds you steady with one arm across your lower back and the other bracing himself on the wall. You hold on to his shoulders, looking at his muscular arms either side and moan as he starts pumping in and out of you.
“Daryl, I- oh god!” You start, but get interrupted by him attaching himself to your neck, sucking on your pulse, nibbling at your skin lightly. He starts thrusting at a punishing pace, almost painful, but you revel in the feeling of being dominated by him. He suddenly pushes your torso back so you’re flush against the wall and holds your neck there lightly as he takes one of your nipples in his mouth, now pushing himself all the way inside you. You hear his balls hitting your skin over and over, the sound make you wetter and wetter. He lets go of your nipple with a small pop from his mouth and kisses you sloppily. He takes his hand down from the wall and smacks your bum.
“Harder,” you pant.
“Ya like being spanked?”
“Yes.”
“Ya been bad?” He growls.
“Yes, so bad.” Daryl groans at your words and spanks you again, much harder this time, putting his muscles to use.
“Ya still need punishing?” He asks, breathing heavy.
“Yes, I’ve been really bad Daryl,” you moan.
“I’m gonna spank ya ‘til ya come,” he grunts, whacking your cheek again. He continues to do this as he thrusts harder into you, and you quickly come undone beneath him. Your fingers dig into his shoulders as you violently come over his member, shouting incoherently, and as soon as you start clenching around him, he spills himself inside of you.
“(Y/N),” he moans as he releases, “oh, (Y/N).”
He pulls out slowly then sets you back down on the floor, your knees wobbling slightly.
“Ya okay?” He asks concerned.
“Yeah, just a little unsteady,” you smile. He holds onto your waist to help you, your back still against the wall, then leans down and kisses you passionately, his tongue invading your mouth and swirling around yours.
“Did I hurt ya?” He questions when he finally pulls back.
“No, it was nice,” you blush, looking down.
“Turn 'round and lemme see,” he says. You turn around and your arse is red raw, his hand prints all over it.
“Ya won’t be able to sit down tomorrow,” he gasps, not realising just how hard he’d smacked you.
“It was worth it,” you admit, turning to face him again, “anyway, your lap’s softer than most seats, so I won’t worry.” He smiles at your comment and takes your hand, leading you to the dinner table, both of you still naked.
“Won’t have to worry about getting anything dirty,” he says as he puts the plates on the table.

@negan-dixon
@sapphire1727
@jodiereedus22
@reedusteinrambles
@blondielovesr5-blog
@whovianwalker1999
@cbarter
@dixonreedusfangirlforever
@coffeebooksandfandom
@serfyan18

alonelyflowey  asked:

How does one say "I love you" in Kardasi?

I really enjoy getting questions like these, because it’s a chance to once again demonstrate just how ridiculous Cardassians are.

So, to start off, there’s no word for “love” in general. To a Cardassian, that’s terribly imprecise. One word to stand for every possible variety of this very complex emotion? You’re joking, right?

At the moment, we have a few options for the many varieties of love that exist, but I suspect there are even more that we just haven’t got around to putting together yet.

Thus, currently:

I love you [as a close friend]: Nu ka e’gehra'I. [Nuh kah e'ge-h-rah'eye; with the apostrophes as glottal stops (the hyphen in “uh-oh”).]
I love you [since you are a part of my family]*: Nu ka e’kUra'I. [Nuh kah e'koorah'eye]
I love you [romantically]: Nu ka zIra'I. [Nuh kah zeye-rah'eye]

*This is the one case in which Kardasi is not particularly specific. It doesn’t matter linguistically whether you genuinely love your family or you actually wish they would all jump into the sun and die. The important part is keeping up appearances. A Cardassian who publicly proclaimed they didn’t love their family would be almost as shocking as a Cardassian who publicly proclaimed they didn’t love the State (but slightly less dead).

Thanks for asking!

Fake Allies

So last week my family and I went out to dinner and I was kinda semi-arguing with my dad about family stuff and my dad was saying, “Oh, it goes both ways” in reference to the way we speak/act toward each other or whatever and unable to help myself despite not even knowing whether my dad is actually really aware I’m bisexual or is okay with it, I blurted out a terrible, terrible joke: “That ain’t the only thing that goes both ways!” and just gave my mom and my sister a knowing look.

My mom looked horrified, thinking a fight with my dad was about to break out over my being gay. My dad looked confused. My sister looked insulted and was kinda giving me a ‘wtf’ look.

When my dad got up from the table, I asked my mom and sister, “You got the joke, right?”

My sister replied, “Yeah, but it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t appropriate for the dinner table.”

And while I said I couldn’t help myself and that it slipped out but I felt like our dad wouldn’t have appreciated it and how I don’t know if he knows about my sexuality, I just kind of blurted it out I guess to secretly test the waters or something amongst my family.

ANYWAY I tell my sister there’s nothing inappropriate aside from that and that all it is is a light-hearted, clean joke about being bisexual meaning I’m attracted to men and women. And she goes, “I know what it means, but I still don’t think it was appropriate–” and I go to say, “What, I like guys and I like girls. What’s wrong with that?” And she cuts me off and makes like…this ‘wtf ew no too much info!’ face.

And from that day on I realized my sister ain’t really an ally. If I’d made a joke about being straight, that wouldn’t have gotten any sort of tension or awkward or inappropriate looks.

She’s sadly one of many, many people who seem to think that gayness needs to be censored. That we should keep or gay feelings and thoughts to ourselves and not share them or subjects others to them because they’re not “appropriate” for any kind of polite or family-related conversation.