“I was 12 going on 13 the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959 - a long time ago, but only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only twelve hundred and eighty-one people. But to me, it was the whole world.”
what does the time scheme look like for a Valhalla movie? o:
Here’s the likely time scheme for a Valhalla movie:
October 2015: Book 3 comes out to the acclaim of most fans and the horror of a few others. Controversy ensues.
November 2015: Book 3 is, ironically after the fake ban campaign for Valhalla, banned by several schools and libraries for its controversial content. The ban improves sales and the book passes from the realm of large indie numbers into small major league numbers.
December 2015: Sales for the trilogy set continue to improve. Talk of a movie version grows serious, and with a reblog from Wil Wheaton, the books finally gain a widespread audience, pushing them into rapid sales.
January 2016: Wheaton finally reads Book 3 and takes back his praise for the novel in horror at the beast he’s unleashed on the literary community. But it’s too late. The novel trilogy is now infamous. Hollywood commentators declare the series to be unfilmable.
Summer 2016: The novel is now huge, rivaling Hunger Games in its early years. Bach proceeds with a Kickstarter to get the film off the ground. Hollywood mocks the project as a fool’s errand. Despite this, Asylum Studios enters production on “Sharknado Vs. Umberto the Walrus” despite not owning the copyright to Valhalla’s famous Walrus. Bach sues.
Winter 2016: After the failure of the lawsuit due to massive Hollywood lawyer heaps and corrupt L.A. judges, Bach announces the result on Facts resulting in a mass revolt against Hollywood. Numerous studios are bombed. Famous stars are killed. J.J. Abrams’s face is never found.
Spring 2017: The final Kickstarter for a Valhalla film rakes in record numbers as Hollywood burns. The death of cinema is declared and all eyes turn to Bach for its rebirth as the Valhalla movie enters production.
Fall 2017: Casting is completed with a crew of complete unknowns and shooting begins. The novel sells its 10 millionth copy.
2018: Shooting is completed and postproduction begins. The novel passes 20 million.
2020: Valhalla opens to mixed reviews. Fans declare it the greatest film of all time and a new level of cinema. Other critics declare the film too intense to watch. Richard Roeper suffers a heart attack during a screening at the climax of the film. Numerous others sue Bach for deaths caused by the intensity of the film.
2021: Production begins on Ragnarök. Book sales pass 50 million copies. The subculture created from Valhalla and its trilogy exceeds the fanbase level and become a major social movement. The Valkyrie political party gains 3% of the vote.
2023: Ragnarok opens to rave reviews, all the critics of the series have been killed at the hands of the ravenous mob. A state of civil war exists in America as Valkyrie revolutionaries seize military instillations and launch a guerilla assault on opposing interests.
2024: The Valkyrie party wins the election and Bach is elected president. Gudsriki goes into production as the author ignores presidential duties in favor of film making. The country is in a state of total disaster. Canada invades during the era of weakness and seizes most of the United States.
2026: Gudsriki opens worldwide. The Book has now sold over 300 million copies. The cultural movement and political epoch now control most of the globe. Dissenters are crushed. Rivals are annihilated. Bach is effectively the dictator of the globe. The world revolutionary flag depicts a walrus with a rifle.
2030: Power has been consolidated. Everyone is now required to own a copy of the trilogy in print and in film. The giant walrus statue in Svalbard ruptures a tectonic plate with its size and weight.
2050: The world is a utopia for Valhalla fans. Bach maintains total control over the world, and of the new lunar colonies.
3655: Alien archaeologists from Proxima Centauri land on Earth to find it a barren wasteland with only traces of the civilization that thrived centuries before. They bring back several artifacts to their homeworld.
Glaxor 13th, 78,909 Proxima Calendar: They brought back a novel trilogy. It’s translated. And the cycle begins anew…
This was a tricky one. How to create a poster for the most offensive (but funny) and vile (but funny) and NSFW (but funny) episode of TableTop, but keep it relatively non-offensive (yet funny) and so forth.