When-I-was-17

These are not under any circumstances to be reblogged, but here are some pictures of me when I was 13-17. Mostly impressed by the fact that I have a different nose shape in all of these from constant breaks and fractures. Love this fat chaotic piece of shit, though. God rest their soul.

anonymous asked:

Is it okay for mentally ill people to use ableist slurs like it’s okay for POC to use those slurs? (Word coming up) I feel like as someone who’s diagnosis is classed as clinical insanity that I should be able to use the words crazy & insane if I please.

If you feel comfortable applying these words to yourself, please do so.

But also keep in mind that applying these words to someone else is not okay unless you’ve discussed it with them beforehand and they’ve explicitly said it is okay for you to do so.

-Wren

When I was 15, while ridding through the Lincoln Tunnel, dark figures began to scale the tunnel walls. Quickly, they scuttled towards bus carrying my frozen form. As I stared in horror, they pulled open the doors of the bus and slithered and crawled and twisted their darkened forms ever closer. I couldn’t breathe in my panic. Closer. Closer. 

When I was 17, he began to follow me. The first time I saw him was in the rearview mirror of my mom’s minivan. A darkened form against the glowing darkness of early dawn. My heart skipped a beat, my breathing ceased. White knuckles clenched the steering as if to break it as I forced my eyes to return to the road. 

A month later, he followed me into the locked ward and made himself comfortable among my new companions. 

When I was 18, my best friend and I got in a fight. Typed words spew out like thrown knives until one caught me straight in the heart. “Crazy.” It echoed through my head over and over and over. You’re crazy. You’re crazy. You’re crazy.  Code for “I don’t trust you. I don’t believe you.” Echoes of years past flood back with all the meanings, every one Crazy. No one will believe you. Insane. You’re just doing it for attention. Psycho. Not safe. Lock them away. 

Our friendship ended with that word. The fight continued on for days. It forced it’s way back in months later. But the moment she hurled that word against me, the friendship had ended. 

The summer I was 20, I saw faces in mirrors. Grotesque, demonic faces appeared alongside mine. I covered our mirrors with sheets. I learned to look away at the smallest glimpse of a reflective surface. I tried my best to escape the haunting faces. 

Mid summer, I went to a party with my abusive ex for his sister. Upon arriving at her apartment, I entered the living room to discover a wall made of mirrors. I drank until I couldn’t see the faces. 

On the train ride home, I rocked back and forth within my seat, surrounded by the windows with their mirror-like effects and the faces held within. “Crazy” they whispered at they tried to get away from me. 

I’m just crazy. I’m just crazy. I’m just crazy. 

Words that plagued me. Words I used to invalidate myself. I learned to never trust myself. 

Until, one day, or maybe it was several, or maybe it was one of those things you can’t really pin down to a time and date, I said to myself “I’m crazy.” and I didn’t feel ashamed. 

I still don’t always trust myself. 

I still have a hard time with mirrors. 

But I’ve reclaimed the word crazy for myself and have stripped it of the powers it has to hurt me. 

I am crazy. I am insane. I am psycho. 

I am me. 

-Sabrina

Seeing all the critical role stuff tonight is like- man, I don’t even go here, but I miss playing VtM SO MUCH.

I cut my baby gamer teeth playing Vampire (my mother found my corebook when I was… oh, about 17? I think she thought I’d turned into a Satanist). Did Vampire LARP in college, even- a Toreador (died in a failed coup), then a Gangrel (ended up a Tzimisce’s pet, oopsie) then a Brujah (got to diablerize someone- that was fun) and finished up with a Giovanni.

I haven’t had a tabletop group in a long time. I forget sometimes how much I miss it.

in light of this tumblr “safe” mode, i want to talk about my own experience with this website. im almost 19 now and i joined tumblr when i was 14. here are some details of how tumblr was a part of my journey as a lesbian:

  • i literally discovered that im gay from tumblr. it’s a kinda cheesy story but i was 14 and on tumblr on a sideblog of someone i followed that was dedicated to pictures for her future wife. i was 50 pages into looking at lesbian wedding photos when i realized that straight people don’t Do That
  • the first person i came out to was via tumblr. i told my best friend at the time who i met on here through the “fan mail” we had then and i was sobbing typing out the message. receiving her support and having someone outside of my town to talk to about it (who was also struggling with her sexuality) meant the world to me 
  • i first learned about lgbt history and activism through tumblr. it’s the reason i became interested and invested in social justice and obviously this education continued way beyond tumblr but it gave me my start coming from a school that, like many other high schools, erased the existence of gay people in its curriculum.
  • it introduced me to almost ALL of the gay content that i consumed. the tv shows, movies, books, singers, webcomics, etc that’s had gay representation that’s helped me come to terms with my sexuality over the years, I almost solely found through tumblr. 
  • most importantly, it gave me gay friends. im from a conservative town in florida and before my first year at college this year, i had no means of making gay friends or really any friends at all (because i was hated as an out lesbian in my town) in person. I’ve made so many gay friends on here who were INSTRUMENTAL in me accepting myself and still are so important to me to this day

im 18 now but all of the things listed above happened when i was ages 14-17. i know that this website is awful at times but for gay youth who are completely isolated from any sort of lgbt community, it can be really REALLY important. @staff you’re not protecting anybody, you’re literally harming gay youth and you need to fix this shit now.  

I’ve been thinking about Tyler a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about when he was younger, when Twenty One Pilots was just starting out. This scrappy teen from Ohio with button up T shirts and shaky hands has started to grow on me. I’ve been thinking about his struggle as he got older, there’s something about it that’s really caught my attention. I keep dreaming about it and looking through old videos of Tyler when he was 17. I keep searching and searching for this boy who was finding his way, and probably still is. It’s scary. Tyler, with a rubber band on his wrist and dorky glasses on, just simply doesn’t exist anymore. It makes me sad. It makes me feel so lonely. I want to talk to him. I want to find 17 year old Tyler again so desperately. I want to walk down the streets of Ohio at 2 am to see him recording goner on an old accordion. I want to go down to the local Columbus baseball fields and see him scribbling down lyrics to Slowtown in a journal. I want so badly to see him and Josh in their white van parked outside a gas station while the sun rises. I want to see the basement where Tyler recorded No Phun Intended. I want the Tyler that was still looking for his purpose while standing over a kitchen sink. And what I mean by all if this is not that I don’t love him how he is now, or that I want to invade his privacy. I just want to find someone who understands. I want to find the Tyler that didn’t know if he was going to make it to 18 or 19. I want to find him simply for the fact that I feel the same way. I want to find him because maybe that would validate my feelings, maybe somehow that would fix my struggle, it would end my pain. But this isn’t true, and I know that.
Think about this.
Tyler is 29, married, and happier then he’s ever been. He’s wrote about love, hope, recovery, and yes, he still writes about pain, but not nearly as much as before. Him and Josh live comfortably and with the support of all of us. Tyler beat his Blurryface. Tyler found his purpose. Tyler has gone so so far. He’s lived through his own personal hell and back and by god, that’s so incredible. That’s what I’m searching for, it’s what we are all searching for. Purpose.
17 year old Tyler can’t give me that. 17 year old Tyler can’t give YOU that. 29 year old Tyler can’t even give you that. Only you can.
Only you can find your purpose.
Keep looking, keep searching, that’s what this life is about.
Stay Strong, Stay Safe, but most importantly, Stay Alive.

8

Happy 31st Birthday, Richard! 

When did you know [acting] was something that you needed to go do? When I was about 17, I think, because I had been acting since I did my first film when I was 11 years old, and did it for a while on a TV show, and then I stopped for a while. When you’re in high school, you have someone telling you, “You need to pick a career. You need to decide what you’re gonna do for the rest of your life,” and I was like, “Oh, well, I need to do that. That’s what I need to do,” but they wouldn’t let me just do that, so I had to apply to do computer science as well because they were like, “You’ll never get into drama school, and if you do, you’ll never get a job as an actor,” and I was like, “Alright. Okay,” but then I did get in, so…boom.

I find it funny some stans think it’s the biggest injustice ever with their rookie or 2-year-old group not getting their 1st win. Some groups have released quality music for five years and still haven’t won like NU’EST.

U-kiss are legends but it took them seven years to get a win cos this industry is a piece of shit. 

Some groups are still legends but have NEVER WON like orange caramel. And some groups release amazing music their whole careers and NEVER win like Rainbow and then disband

In other words, if I see anyone else complaining about their relatively new or rookie group not winning imma smack you

when i was 11, i was in a relationship because i said “i love you” and we decided to start dating. it only lasted a month and im pretty sure he has hated me ever since we broke up.

when i was 16, i had a friend who would say “i love you guys” when all i really wanted him to say was “i love you” to me. i believed i was madly in love with him. he ended up saying “i love you” to my best friend and they are still dating to this day.


when i was 16, another friend comforted me. he said “i love you” and that he felt for me because of what had happened. he made me feel special and happy again. i said i love you too, hoping maybe this would go somewhere. we kissed in his gross garage, we were both sweaty from walking in the heat and it lasted for about 2 seconds. after that day, i never heard a word from him again.


when i was 17, i started dating a guy because he was nice, and because a guy was actually talking to me and telling me he wanted to be with me. we talked all summer and began dating in the fall. he said “i love you” after dating for about a week. December came and “i love you” turned into “what did i do to make you ignore me like this?” January came and i finally broke it off because the silence was killing me. my first true heartbreak. i still haven’t talked to him since mid December.


now I’m 18, at this point, the three words “I love you” mean absolutely nothing. for me it turned into what you say to parents and relatives. what you say because you know it will make the other person happy. its what you say because thats what you’re supposed to do in a relationship. the words had lost all meaning. my heart was broken so many times that it turned into something you say it because it feels right, not because you mean it.


and then you came along. i wasn’t expecting you to be a part of my life. you started to talk to me and i was taken aback. i was cautious. i knew that if “i love you” slipped your tongue like it had the others, you wouldn’t mean it. but for our first date, instead of meeting you somewhere, you picked me up and took me. you let me share my darkest secrets. you met my family, and i met yours. you showed me off. i was scared. i knew that if i lost you, my whole world would crash into a brick wall. i knew that you could be the one i could spend the rest of my life with. you earned my trust, something that wasn’t very easy at the time.


after 5 months, thats when i realized, i love you. i didn’t just want to say it because i felt like i had to. i genuinely love you, with every atom in my body. you bring out something in me that makes me so much happier and joyful. you are good to me. you are patient and gentle and anything i could ever ask for. so when i say this, know this is something i truly, honestly mean:


I love you.

—  n.k.//10:44
what i love you means to me
10

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Director - Stephen Chbosky, Cinematography - Andrew Dunn

“I don’t know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school, and you helped me. Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen. And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.”

2

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) dir. Stephen Chbosky

I don’t know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school, and you helped me. Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen. And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.

Your idea is not as rare and special as you think it is.

Ideas are cheap.

Do not coddle your ideas.

Move on. Keep writing. Break away if you have to.

YOUR IDEA ISN’T WHAT MAKES THE STORY GOOD - IT’S DEEPER THAN THAT - SO STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR “PERFECT” PLOT AND JUST FREAKIN WRITE IT ALREADY

Kate Beckinsale shares her story with Harvey Weinstein

I was called to meet Harvey Weinstein at the Savoy Hotel when I was 17. I assumed it would be in a conference room which was very common.When I arrived ,reception told me to go to his room . He opened the door in his bathrobe . I was incredibly naive and young and it did not cross my mind that this older ,unattractive man would expect me to have any sexual interest in him .After declining alcohol and announcing that I had school in the morning I left ,uneasy but unscathed.A few years later he asked me if he had tried anything with me in that first meeting .I realized he couldn’t remember if he had assaulted me or not .I had what I thought were boundaries - I said no to him professionally many times over the years-some of which ended up with him screaming at me calling me a cunt and making threats, some of which made him laughingly tell people oh “Kate lives to say no to me .” It speaks to the status quo in this business that I was aware that standing up for myself and saying no to things,while it did allow me to feel uncompromised in myself,undoubtedly harmed my career and was never something I felt supported by anyone other than my family.I would like to applaud the women who have come forward , and to pledge that we can from this create a new paradigm where producers,managers,executives and assistants and everyone who has in the past shrugged and said “ well, that’s just Harvey /Mr X/insert name here ” will realize that we in numbers can affect real change.For every moment like this there have been thousands where a vulnerable person has confided outrageous unprofessional behavior and found they have no recourse, due to an atmosphere of fear that it seems almost everyone has been living in .I had a male friend who, based on my experience,warned a young actress who said she was going to dinner with Harvey to be careful. He received a phone call the next day saying he would never work in another Miramax film ;the girl was already sleeping with Harvey and had told him that my friend had warned her off.Let’s stop allowing our young women to be sexual cannon fodder,and let’s remember that Harvey is an emblem of a system that is sick,and that we have work to do.

whalesharksart  asked:

I love your art ! Everything you draw is so pretty, I really love how you color ! I wanted to ask how you pick out your colors ? It's so hard to choose a color pallet, I never know where to start.

Hey!! Sorry for taking 147328462 years to answer this.

This ask is going to be a bit hard for me to answer because the fact is that, I developed my colour sense really early on, and it’s been a mix of influences, passive absorption and instinct. When I start colouring I never prepare anything. I just go straight to the colour slider (or colour wheel, for some) and pick what’s already in my head.

The better way to approach this is, instead of trying to come up with a colour sense for an individual picture, think about finding a colour sense for yourself. As a general art thing. Figure out who you are and what you like.

What movies/shows do you watch where its colours appeal to you? For me I love brightly coloured films, but not too bright. There is a whimsicality in the choice and contrast of the colours. The Grand Budapest (any Wes Anderson film for that matter), The King’s Speech, The Fall, Pushing Daisies etc.

What comics appeal to you? Whose artist’s colours you admire the most? Does something in real life catch your eye?

Study it. Study how you respond to the colours. What feelings are evoked? What feelings do you want for your work?

Why is the red standing out against the black? Is it to make your eyes immediately draw to the demon lady? Or is it to shock and surprise you with the boldness of its appearance? Or is it a representation of the monstrous feminine, associated with menstrual blood, so the focus on the demon, and the surprise created by the boldness of using red, hits you and contributes to the sense of horror? The horror of the female?

That kind of stuff.

The Rabbi’s Cat

If you ask me….I don’t know about anyone else’s opinion, but I tend to use bright, bold colours, and I am not afraid to go on a colour explosion, though I have to have balance so it isn’t overwhelming. Lately I’ve been using a lot of pink, blue and purple, but that’s a specific quick to 21/22 year old me (my work in retrospect is defined by colour and age - when I was 17 I used a LOT of yellow, when I was 20, a lot of pastels). I just want witchy and calm, I guess.

And hopefully you can see the influence in the materials I’ve provided here for my colour sense. This is just a small sample. I actually consume a lot of work with similar palettes, and purposely go searching for them.

Beauty

Gaining a natural colour sense is a lot of studying, observing and passive influence. It’s exposing yourself to material you like and having a conversation with it through your art. It’s knowing what intent/feelings you want to convey and using your colours be your agents and tools.

Once you figure that out, and nail down an aesthetic, you don’t even have to think when it’s time for you to colour. It’s already ingrained in you.

http://film-palettes.tumblr.com/

http://moviesincolor.com/

http://naturalpalettes.tumblr.com/