The signs as WTNV proverbs

Aries: “There’s a difference between your, you’re, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.”

Taurus: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say your mother’s in the hospital? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen, I’ll drive you over there. We’ll leave right now. Grab a coat, it’s a little cold out. I’m so sorry.”

Cancer: “You won’t sleep when you’re dead, either.”

Leo: “At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.”

Virgo: “You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.”

Sagittarius: “Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn’t a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.”

Aquarius: “Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you’re covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you’re an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you’re an earthworm, actually.“

Capricorn: “Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War II.”

Gemini: “Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell, man?

Libra:  “Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these?”

Pisces:  “Listen, I’m not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smart phones, thus invalidating all concerns.”

Scorpio: “Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We are not accepting applications at this time. Please try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…”

Podcast Recs

So I’ve recently gotten into podcasts and I decided to make a list of all my favorites in order to spread the love.

Welcome to Night Vale: The first podcast everyone listens to. About a small desert community where strange and fantastical things occur on a daily basis. Comedic and introspective with horror elements. And a lot of positive POC, LGBT, and disabled representation (including a lesbian hijabi Muslim!!! A girl in a wheelchair who pulls off a heist!!! A sarcastic, British agender sheriff!!! A little African American girl who reads books and saves an entire town!!!!) 10/10 recommend.

EOS 10: A medical comedy set in in space. Amazing. It takes a few episodes to really get interesting, so if you listen I would suggest listening to at least the fourth episode. Nobody is straight, and it’s wonderful and I would die for each character. Also, Dr. Urvidian. Trust me.

Alice Isn’t Dead: By the some of the same people who did Night Vale. A creepy, haunting story about a woman driving trucks across the country to search for her missing wife. It’s incredibly set up, and so well-written. Warning: some gory imagery and description of murder. Also, WOC protagonist and pretty much all women. 

Within the Wires: GUYS. This story was incredible. The format’s really unique: it’s set as a series of relaxation cassettes that slowly reveal the history between the narrator and the listener. It’s GREAT. Seriously, give this one a listen. It’s actually really relaxing between all the bombshells about the plot. It’s also by one of the guys that writes Welcome to Night Vale, so of course it’s gay.

The Penumbra Podcast: This is another one that’s hard to describe, but it’s a collection of stories, a different one every episode. Some are recurring, but some are stand-alone. SUCH amazing representation here, and funny/creepy storylines. There’s a nonbinary bisexual MOC, a Native American wlw BANDIT, a knight with a physical disability, women with actually good characterization, and a lot more. How often do we see that?

The Bright Sessions: Basically superheroes who go to therapy. Good acting, cool storylines, a cute romance. Again, lots of representation. And an asexual character!!!

Wolf 359: A story about the crew of a spaceship circling the Wolf 359 star. At first I thought this was a comedy, but it got dark pretty fast. The characterization is great. The story is comedic and gritty and fast-paced, and I would die for Isabelle Lovelace. If you like space shenanigans and found family, this one’s for you. 

Kakos Industries: This podcast is hilarious. It takes the format of a corporation’s monthly shareholder announcements. Only this corporation, headed by the legendary Corin Deeth III, helps you “do evil better.” It might disturb you a bit though, so if you don’t like sex jokes, murder, and swearing, stay away from this one.

The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air: A weird little show by Night Vale Presents that’s really hard to describe, but it includes an absolutely wonderful narrator, the cutest protagonist, and amazing side characters. The format’s cool as well, so I recommend giving it a listen. (also the main character’s a mlm!)