I distance myself when I can feel my walls coming down. Because that scares me the most. Those walls protect me, they make me strong, empowered, independent. They keep a level head on my shoulders and all my deepest darkest emotions and feelings in check. But when I can feel them breaking and weakening … I run. I run because I’m terrified to see what’s behind them. To let the monster that has been pent up for years harbouring pain, disappointment, insecurities, sadness, hurt, distrust, and everything beyond or in between those emotions, free. The memories that have tied me down or broke me surfacing to be relived again. The thoughts that have kept me awake, sleepless for days, coming back to steal precious sleep away. I cannot even forgive that side of me. I cannot love those parts of myself. I cannot live with the mistakes and regrets I’ve made. So how would someone else be able to face the monster? Or live with my sorrow if I cannot.