Wall-Flowers

Vision of myself in seven years as inspired by a Williamsburg park at noon

“You’re too busy,” I say to my husband as he zips up his earth tone Patagonia fleece over his saffron colored button down and prepares to put on his quirky blue work shoes and head off to his tech job shared workspace . “Come walk with me today at lunch.” After he leaves I shower using my organic soaps that smell like pine and I make myself a green smoothie and sit down to work on my painting, which is an enormous wall to wall picture of flowers and dogs which I am being paid $4000 for . I work for two hours and then I walk my wolfhound and poodle around the block . It is a sunny day. I get my yoga mat and go to hot yoga and then shower again in the locker room and chat with the women I have seen at my weekly yoga class for years and go home and get the dogs and I go meet my husband in the park, where he greets me with some kind of dainty sandwich wrapped in something green, either a lettuce leaf or a spinach flour wrap or whatever. our dogs frolicking with other dogs, we talk about our upcoming adoption of a baby and also our plans for the dinner party we are holding. We are making homemade ice cream and serving papaya spears for dessert . The dinner itself will be roasted squash and homemade bread with roasted eggplant garlic chickpea spread and a salad with blood oranges. and then my husband gets back on his bicycle and jets off to a high power staff meeting

this isn’t actually appealing tbh but the saffron button down shirt is a real thing I saw someone wearing that I think is pretty hot

I’m thinking I would actually like a rich husband if he was a writer or a chef idk why I didn’t put that in my fantasy maybe bc then I would actually have to interrogate my desire for the trappings of wealth instead of dismissing it

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.