WHAT-AM-I-EVEN-DOING-WITH-MY-TIME

I’m curious, all the other aces/aros who follow me, have any of you come out as/mentioned to someone that you’re ace or aro and had them respond with basically “no you’re not”?

Also for the non-aces/aros who still fall within the category of “not straight,” do people do that to you when you mention it? Is that a thing people do to aces or just anyone who doesn’t fit their picture of the world?

I have spent days trying to figure out what I want to say. I have crumpled up dozens of pieces of paper and disregarded even more ideas. I have thought about what I could say that might make people feel just a little bit better. But I have come to the realization that it really doesn’t matter what I say. Because there is nothing I can do to take away any of the pain and destruction I have caused. I absolutely loved my parents and had no reason to kill them. I had no reason to dislike, kill or try to kill anyone at Thurston. I am truly sorry that this has happened. I have gone back in my mind hundreds of times and changed one detail, one small event so this never would have happened. I wish I could. I take full responsibility for my actions. These events have pulled me down into a state of deterioration and self-loathing that I didn’t know existed. I am very sorry for everything I have done, and for what I have become.

-Kip’s Statement to the victim’s

crown prince: i like you

eunuch hong: but you can’t. we are both guys and it’s forbidden! 

crown prince: IDGAF!

me: HE ACCEPTS BEING GAY AND I ACCEPT THIS CONCEPT, BUT DAMMIT HE KISSED HER WHEN SHE WAS STILL POSING AS A GUY ONLY!!!! KDRAMAS, STEP UP YO GAME AND PLEEEEEEEASE MAKE IT YAOI FASHO NEXT TIME. 

ok but burr is so feminine
  • by feminine and masculine, I mean the idealized versions as defined by American/western culture, not necessarily what I believe is intrinsic to women or men

  • “talk less, smile more” do I even need to start

  • “fools who run their mouths off wind up dead” k but the number of times I’ve bitten my tongue not speaking so I don’t piss off a dude (because as someone who presents female I am terrified of retribution and I’m not confident in my ability to physically defend myself)……… yeah.

  • the way he introduces himself to Washington? he’s not trying to brag, he’s trying to build himself up, to prove that he’s worthy of Washington’s time. (Washington ain’t having it.)

  • all of “wait for it” is basically the contrast between his style (staying in his lane, trying not to step on toes, which is just. so. feminine.) and hamilton’s (going all out for what he wants, which is really masculine.)

  • because burr does his best! and he is the best at what he does. he’s a chameleon, changing himself to meet the expectations of the public as he sees them

  • (like women, incidentally, because broadly speaking, women are raised to meet the expectations of society, while men are raised to chase after their dreams)

  • but in this chameleonic respect he’s a lot like Washington— the mediary, the moderate.

  • “I wanna be in the room where it happens” look burr doesn’t even want to be in charge he just wants to be influential and make a name for himself and skdfgh honestly this man is best known for what must have been the greatest shame of his life, for killing his friend

  • burr is like a cautionary tale okay he came out of college accomplished and thinking that he found the secret to success but then he watched this guy come out of nowhere and climb higher and higher and he just doesn’t understand why or how

  • and all burr sees is the influence that Hamilton gathers, not how hamilton’s values make him stand out, not how hard Hamilton fights. burr doesn’t have passion for anything, or if he does he’s buried them or forgotten them or dismissed them as unattainable and that’s just… so so sad.

  • “I’m chasing what I want… I learned that from you”

  • this is such a 180 from the beginning of the musical when Hamilton is the one asking burr for advice: here is burr taking hamilton’s advice, but only after Hamilton has fallen…

  • and who knows if Hamilton was trying to save burr from himself (because Hamilton himself was at such a low) or retaliating (because it’s insulting, really, when someone is mimicking your style without your values) or some combination thereof? he always did say his mind, did Hamilton, and without Washington to temper him… welp.

Why I Relate To Zen So Much

Hey! So I recently read xxxneonsoundxxx’s post, which you can read here, and I felt….inspired(?) to write a sort of response and say why I can relate to him too. So here we go.

The first and most simple reason why I can relate is that he is an actor and much like Neon, I have a history in theatre as well. I spent 6-7 years in theatre, doing plays and shows, was in dance teams and lessons for 6 years, and was in choirs and music programs for 7-8 years. So I KNOW what its like to be on stage and I love it so much. I have experienced so much in my years of performing and even to this day, I am still doing things for the performing arts. I may have taken a break from being in the spotlight, but I try to do things backstage when I have the time. And now that I am doing a lot of cosplaying and con attending, I am still acting like I always have. 

I know what its like when people say they loved your performance, when they say they are your fan, and even some jealousy because of what I do or people that really want to perform with me. I get it. Maybe its not as extreme or as often as Zen is used to, but I understand it to a degree.

Regarding Zen’s….narcissism, I can be a bit like that too sometimes. Although, I would like to say that Im more humble about it than he is, but I tend to be very confident about myself and the way I look. And hey, sometimes I will say that I look great or that I am a cool person, but nothing wrong with that.

This leads me into the more complicated and deeper reasons why I can relate to Zen so much and why I feel so comfortable about myself. Im sorry to hear that Neon does not feel happy with themself.(Herself? Im sorry, I don’t know what your preferred pronoun is and I don’t want to assume anything. Let me know what it is and I can change this.) I do hope one day they can change their life into something they can be happy with. I also hope that I don’t come off as bragging or whatever, but unlike Neon, I am pretty happy with my life right now and I want to be honest about this.

Like Zen, I had to do a lot of things by myself and the place that I am in today is because I worked for it. You see, I don’t have much of a family, not anymore, that is. Its complicated and I don’t want to say too much, but I had a few circumstances in my life that forced me to grow up young and fast. I had to work hard and do well. I was on my own a lot growing up, meaning I had to take care of myself often.

I was heavily bullied because of my circumstances and who I was because of it, but that made me learn quickly to stop caring about what others thought of me and just do my own thing. As soon as I realized that, the bullies got bored of me and left me alone. After that, my life was tolerable and I was able to do a lot of things that was important to me. I worked hard, did really well in high school, got a few scholarships and a high honor roll, then was accepted into the college that was on the top of my list. And now, after a few major changes, I am studying for something that I could be happy with. To make things better, my major could lead into a life-long dream of mine, something I have wanted for years and something that I could help others with. This makes me so excited for my future ahead and It feels great.

Thats why I feel so deeply connected with Zen. Through hard work, perseverance, and being forced to grow up quickly, we are doing things that we are passionate about. The bad routes just makes me feel sad because its something he certainly doesn’t deserve and I can’t do that to him. I know what its like to work hard like him and I think he deserves so much more. I want his partner to be supportive about his dreams as much as I want my future partner to be the same to me. Zen is truly like my reflection and I can’t believe how much I understand him as a character.

The only thing that makes me different from him is that I don’t smoke and the thought of driving a motorcycle scares me. I do like to drink occasionally (not an alcoholic or anything, but a drink every now and then is nice). I am also not allergic to cats (lol) and I actually really like them. 

In conclusion, Zen is a wonderful character and I love him to bits.

To Neon or anyone really: I really hope you find the courage someday to make your life the way you want it to be. Its never too late to change things. Take care and I hope the best for you.

I know you need someone to talk to, but I am sorry I can’t be that person anymore. I also am facing challenges, you know. I have my own problems to solve. Your drama is not helping me cope. And I can’t and don’t want to help you either. I don’t know, my heart is still suffering from whatever feeling you brought me. It still pains me, the thought of you never wanting me anymore. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but do I have to wait? At what cost, anyway? I just realized I am waiting for nothing, wasting time for something I can’t even feel. I still fear that one day, all I’d ever hoped for is already nowhere to be found. I’m scared I’m losing hope. I’m scared I’m losing faith. And with those thoughts, everything else is affected.

I may be the laziest person you know, but what I feel now is not laziness. Before, I can do everything, just after fighting against my lazy self. Now even when I’m in the mood to do anything, I find myself doing it wrong. Out of focus, basta basta lang. I know I don’t have to tell you this, but I want you to know I am crying myself to sleep every night wondering why, or at least how could you do and say something you know that can hurt me. I may be shallow, and sorry that I have a not-so-very-deep heart. I cared. And I thought you cared for me, too. I get that you’re there, extending so much effort for your dreams, but is letting me get hurt really necessary? Is knowing I cannot do anything to make you stay not enough?

Maybe we’re still just too young to hold on for love. Too unready to settle for something, or to be seriously attached to anyone. Maybe we really don’t need each other, we just think about it that way. Maybe it’s just not our time yet. And I need some time for those “improvised answers to whys” to sink into myself.

I hope you’d understand, and it came out from you first, that we need to distant ourselves from each other and focusing on rebuilding our own lives must be the priority. Well, seems like I can’t do that with you still contacting me. Let me be free, so I can move on. Don’t email me, don’t read my rants, let this be your last visit to my blog. And I am expecting no replies for this post. Please. I need to learn back how to think of myself again. I need to find myself again. Because the last and only thing I remember was giving it to you, just so I can see how it slowly breaks.

P.S. Kung may mali sa grammar, namnamin mo nalang. Ayoko mag-edit. Mas lalong ayaw kitang kausap. I don’t want to see you in my inbox anymore. Please don’t make this harder. I can’t change email accounts yet. Matrabaho. Lumayo ka nalang.

anonymous asked:

I just have one request. To continue who are you for as long as possible. I am not ready for it to end any time soon! GURL Jackson is my bias and JB is my bias wrecker. What are u doing playing with my emotions like that ! Ahhhh I hate u(love u)

It won’t be ending any time soon, I can promise you that! A lot of stuff is going to happen c:

I’m sorry for playing with your emotions -cries- but I’m so happy you’re enjoying it, even if you hate/love me at the same time ^^ heh

Im only able to go to school part time because I have to work, but almost all of my classes for my degree have prerequisites. I got my college courses plan and according to it, i will not even be able to transfer to a university to complete my bachelors until im almost 26, then still going part time, they figure ill have my bachelors when im around 30 years old. That just doesnt seem worth it to me to take this long being miserable the entire time for a degree i do not even know what I am going to do with.

Im just going to put my resume out and apply to more full time jobs and see what happens, if I get offered something good and with the opportunity to grow within the business ill probably take it and drop out of college.

11 questions tag thing

I was tagged by many people to do this, many times. But somehow I forgot it all… I’m really sorry about this, but I promise I’ll catch up on all those next tags!
This time I was tagged by @fastrthanlite, thanks lovely!

1. What time is it where you are?
9:56 am

2. What is the weather like right now?
It’s quite chilly inside my bedroom, even tough it’s 21 degrees (celsius) outside. It’s sunny.
I really like the weather this time of the year! (it’s springtime in here)

3. What time of day is your favourite?
Mornings and after midnight. I like sleeping in the afternoons better, is that weird?

4. If you could paint your bedroom a different colour, what colour would you choose?
I painted my bedroom last year so I’m pretty content with it’s light grey/blueish colours

5. What’s in your desk / bedsite table drawer?
A huge pile of clothing, my bag…

6. Do you pack a lunch or do you buy it?
I spend too much money I don’t have buying lunch, it’s a bad habit.

7. Do you still use CDs?
I can count on my fingertips how many CDs I bought in my life. I’m such a millennial…

8. What’s your favourite coffee / tea shop like?
I like the tiny coffee shop at my uni, it’s a little well decorated place with no tables - only coffee machines, a place for hot snacks and cold beverage’s fridges.

9. Would you rather use earbuds or headphones?
I absolutely can’t go anywhere/do anything without my earbuds.

10. Do you draw?
I do! Always have, always will (check out my art blog @paintbluesilver !!)

11. What’s the last song you played?
Adolescent Sex by Japan

NOW IT’S MY TURN!

1. What would your dream job be like?
2. Have you ever wanted to do something with your appearance but didn’t have the guts? (hair styling, tattoos, clothing, etc…)
3. Tell me which are your guilty pleasures.
4. Which fandoms have you participated in your life, besides the current one? Do you regret it?
5. Are you a dog or a cat person? (or neither, if you’re a heartless one…)
6. Give an valuable advice to your 11 year old self.
7. Name a food/beverage you used to dislike but now can’t live without.
8. Do you have any siblings? Do you wish it was different somehow?
9. Name an artist you liked in the past that you can’t stand listening to it anymore.
10. Tell something about yourself that others may not know.
11. What’s the first thing you do after waking up?

Random random questions for you all, my lovelies: @duranie100theunionofthesnake @miss-loaded-roadie @flimflamandjudy @colour-by-numb3rs and anyone else who wants to do it!

You’re awesome! xx

GENDER IS CONFUSING

SEXUALITY IS CONFUSING

FEELINGS ARE CONFUSING

EVERYTHING IS CONFUSING

  • Me:*sigh*
  • Cashier:What's wrong?
  • Me:It's the scent of this place. It's nostalgic. Reminds me of lavender scent of my grandmother's house. Even color of the walls remind me of the bygone era of my childhood; the dim sunsets of a fuzzy summer evenings, and faint memory of fading dreams.
  • Cashier:Ah, you want to start all over do you? I know the feeling. It's enough to drive me to the brink.
  • Me:Verily. At some point, I began to live my life in retrospect. The now doesn't matter anymore because everything has become so bland. What am I to do in this monotonous life when my happy times passed so long ago. It's as if-
  • Cashier:*turns into a 9 foot tall vibrating metal cube that deconstructs me at a molecular level and turns me into pure radium powder*
  • Guy, with that as fetish who actually wrote this post:*doesn't even jack it just looks at the screen all sweaty and breathing heavily*
  • Girlfriend:*walks into the room unannounced* Everything okay? You've been acting kind of strange recently.
  • Guy:*quickly closes all tabs* Oh, nothing. I'm just like. I'm... you know. I've been tired.
  • Girlfriend:*suspiciously* ...sure. Pizza's here by the way.
  • Guy:Okay, cool. I'll be right out. *wipes sweat from head*
  • Girlfriend:*texts best friend* He's definitely cheating. He just closed like twenty tabs on his computer!!!!!!!
  • Best Friend:Did you look through his browsing history?
  • Girlfriend:Yeah, it's all wikipedia pages about radioactive stuff. It's so fucking weird. He's either cheating or a terrorist.
  • Best Friend:That's creepy. I'd break up with him.
  • Girlfriend:I've been considering it, but it's complicated. I still feel so strongly about him. I don't want to ruin our relationship.
  • Best Friend:Sometimes you have to break things off with the people you care about the most. For a little bit anyway.
  • Girlfriend:Yeah, I get that. It's so hard though. I can't imagine life without him.
  • Best Friend:You have to do what you have to do. It's the only way to move forward. Getting stuck in a stagnant relationship can ruin you.
  • Girlfriend:I guess you're right...
  • Best Friend:*is wearing a full hazmat suit.*
  • Doctor:*walks up behind her* Jennifer, stop texting. We need you in the bottom.
  • Best Friend:Sorry, got it.
  • Best Friend:*descends in elevator, sees 9 foot tall humanoid ant corpse on the ground* Fucking gross! Do you know where it came from.
  • Doctor:No clue. It's why we called you here.
  • Best Friend:This isn't like any cryptid I've ever seen. It must be extraterrestrial in origin. Wait... is its body full of gummy worms? *hears the sound of the elevator going up behind her*
  • Best Friend:Doctor! Where are you going!? What the fuck!?
  • Doctor:Waves to her from the elevator.
  • Ant Humanoids:*appear from the shadows in the hundreds*
  • Best Friend:No, no, no, no! This can't be happening.
  • Ant Humanoids:*surround her*
  • Best Friend:Don't fucking come near me! I'm highly radioactive! You'll all die if you eat me.
  • Ant Humanoid in the back:*listening to comic book podcast*
  • Podcast Guy 1:So when it comes to Superman, I feel like there are actually two characters. Clark Kent, the man. Then there's Superman, the ideal. They're the same person but represent very different aspects of him.
  • Podcast Guy 2:Comic books are fucking stupid, my dude. *cellphone buzzes* Hold up, I gotta take this.
  • Podcast Guy 2:*gets an alert that his favorite fetish forum has updated, licks lips fuckingly*
  • Podcast Guy 2:*under breath* Oh yeah. A new radium dust sexual fanfic. Can't wait to tweak my noodle to this! Zoo wee mama!
  • Podcast Guy 1:What did you just say.
  • Podcast Guy 2:Nothing, man. We were talking about Superman. Let's continue with that.
  • Podcast Guy 1:Yeah, as I was saying. Superman would definitely be a power bottom and
Mysterious Messenger Kor Ver.
  • Mysterious Messenger Kor Ver.
  • Cheritz
  • Mystic Messenger Original Soundtrack
Play

Composed by: DoubleTO
Arranged by: DoubleTO
Guitar by: Namhoon Gwon
Lyrics by: Cheritz
Vocal by: Han

© 2016 GAIA Entertainment & Flaming Heart & Cheritz Co., Ltd. All rights reserved.

Enjoy lovies! uvu/ Please cheer me on for the other songs. I am very tired and sick rn lololol

Offical Lyrics:
(I just got your messages)
Every morning I wake up to the same sweet sound
Picking up my cell phone that’s been ringing

Wondering what’s new? What have I missed?
I was offline
Anyway I will end up hearing your story

How are you doing today?
Same questions every single day
Please know that I’m not good at asking you.

Your face lights up laughing from the jokes
I’ve made
You would never guess that I am suspicious

(Ticktock Ticktock time is running out.
What are you doing now?)
I don’t know where you are,
Don’t even know your name
They think I’m crazy. My heartbeat goes up.
Words cannot express my love for you.

Did you get mysterious messages?
It’s a piece of the puzzle.
The letters are the only clue to solving
hidden mysteries.

Did you get mysterious messages?
If you can feel the trace, that is me. Call me out
I’ve been watching you from the start.

Remember yesterday how we texted on and
on and on
I have never met someone so pure like you

Imagine something new that is fully out of
this world
You and me let’s marry in the space station

(Mystical Messages)
Mystic clue of this puzzle

(Mystic Messenger)
It’s too dangerous. Don’t come close
You think I’m crazy. My heartbeat goes up.
No matter what I must follow my heart.

Did you get mysterious messages?
It’s a piece of the puzzle.
The letters are the only clue to solving
hidden mysteries.

Did you get mysterious messages?
If you can feel the trace, that is me. Call me out
I’ve been watching you from the start.

Someone set us up to play in this secret game
(Keep it cool, Don’t react) Trust in your judgment
Did you see the messages I’ve been sending you?
Open your eyes, see the light

Don’t fall for any of his party invites

Did you get mysterious messages?
It’s a piece of the puzzle.
The letters are the only clue to solving
hidden mysteries.

If you get mysterious messages, stand by me hold
my hand, don’t loose hope, you know why
I will never leave you alone.

—-


THIS KILLED ME INSIDE AND IM JUST DECEASED GOODBYE EVERYONE NICE KNOWING YOU

REUPLOAD CAUSE TUMBLR HATES MY CODING WHATEVER

“It started getting really bad in ninth grade. Shaking hands became uncomfortable. I couldn’t touch money. I couldn’t eat with utensils if they had touched the table. Door knobs were the worst. Touching them felt like touching dog poop. It got to the point where I couldn’t even play bassoon, and that’s what I love the most. My bed became my only safe space. I’d stay in bed for a week at a time. I dropped out of school. Once I didn’t leave the house for an entire month. I got committed to a psychiatric hospital three different times, and honestly that was a relief. It was like an escape from existing. But I’m happy with where I am now. I’m on so many medications but I’m doing much better. I’m leaving the house twice a week. I just finished a bassoon lesson. I’m starting an internship soon. And I’m applying to music schools this fall.”