We’ve all wondered at some point exactly how Victor Baxter went from lowly chef at, what I think we can all agree, is one of the worst restaurants that has ever fucking existed - The Chill Grill - to personal chef of The President Of The United States.
Well, I’m here to impart to you the true story of Victor Cornelius Baxter…
A victim of the economic downturn, Victor Baxter had hit rock bottom after the aforementioned Chill Grill faced foreclosure for being, essentially, a festering assemblage of incompetent chefs, and inedible food.
Falling foul to Victor’s gambling problems, and the recession, It was a financial disaster, with the previously affluent Baxter family hemorrhaging money left, right and centre. Incidentally, the problems had not been foretold by their freakish psychic of a daughter, Raven, as she was too busy having useless premonitions about her stupid friends stealing goats and whatnot, whilst designing the shittest clothes eyes have ever been subjected to. Needless to say all of this stress finally took it’s tole on Mr. Baxter.
This is what he had to say as his beloved business bit the dust:
“Life is going to knock you down sometimes. And that’s okay. But what’s not okay is when you let life keep you down. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay. I’m not going to be down for long."
However months later Victor Baxter hit the bottle. He started beating his wife, embarked on weeks of chronic masturbation, and even threatened to throw his daughter Raven out of the house if she didn’t get a proper job (as mentioned at that point she had been pursuing a career in fashion despite having absolutely no taste in clothes.)
This is where it gets interesting.
A friend of the family, Eddie Thomas, infamous for being a stupid hollering cunt, had links through his step father to al-Quaida. Interestingly, years later it emerged that Thomas had played an integral role in the September 11th attacks on New York City, but I digress.
Thomas informed his superiors of the desperate financial state, and general anguish of Mr. Baxter, and that he may be vulnerable enough to be turned. Well, Victor didn’t really have a choice at this point, the unpatriotic fuck was used to living the high life, he’d lost his wife, his daughter, and due to a failed sex tape attempt, his dignity.
So after embarking on a rigorous training programme in Lebanon, Baxter came back with one mission…
TO KILL THE PRESIDENT
Al-Quaida then forged the necessary documents, and through internal links to the White House, landed big Vic the role. Also, to seem less suspicious, Baxter’s insufferable son Cory - who despite the financial problems had managed to ballon to a weight unintelligible to the average human - came along for the ride.
It is still unknown how Baxter came to be basically sharing a room with the president, but what is known, is that had Cory not managed to eat all the food which - complete with poison - was laid on for the president, things could have got very ugly in the U S of A.