July 26, 2009
  1. Passive-aggression: Because it’s fine. No. Really. It’s fine.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 119
  2. The 12-14lb. weight marked on a diaper refers to the size of the baby, not how much it can hold.

    Good to know. That explains a lot.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 73
  3. I would get off the couch to help around the house, but I’m playing that game where the floor is made of lava and I don’t want to die.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67
  4. I’m glad that professor and policeman are meeting Obama for a beer. Proves my theory that alcohol solves any problem.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63
  5. You know what this booze needs?

    Wait, I did that wrong..
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61
  6. The guy next door asked me to rub my genitals on his ankles. It seemed kind of weird, so I only did it for a little while.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56
  7. First Crow: “Caw!”
    Second Crow: “Caw!”
    First Crow: “Caw!”
    Third Crow: “Caw caw!”
    First and Second Crow: “Caw!”

    Ooo. Third crow got BURNED.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  8. Weird how no one tries to break into my house and kill me on the nights I’m not up watching horror movies.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 53
  9. “Each condom is electronically tested.”

    I’d love to tour Trojan’s factory just to see the room where the robots fuck.
    @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 52
  10. I just ran fifteen miles, which is my unit of measurement for eating two pies.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 52
  11. This weekend is going so fast. It’s like a racecar driven by someone other than Danica Patrick.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  12. My love for Target has nothing to do with the fact that it’s just Walmart with breast implants.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 48
  13. why am I an athiest?

    beats me.

    …I guess god just made me that way.
    @theduty (duty) – 46
  14. If you can’t be with the one you love, you could at least not shout out their name just this once.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 46
  15. You know what really pisses me off?


    Just like all girls.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46
  16. I don’t think there is any way to get my grass cut before the rain starts, particularly because I don’t feel like trying.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45
  17. I’ve got a video camera, some catnip and a baby. I hope this wins America’s Funniest Home Videos, because I’ll need it to make bail.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45
  18. Ah, the circle of life. A baby’s life begins, and I never get laid again.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45
  19. Stupid gym gawkers, laughing and pointing like they never seen a guy run on a treadmill with an erection before.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 43
  20. Jesus made water into wine cause even he knew how to get in a bitch’s pants.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42
October 13, 2009
  1. If I pay for my wife’s implants, will I get visitation rights when we get divorced? I just want weekends and holidays.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 105
  2. The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he’s a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96
  3. The Miami helmet has a dolphin on it wearing a helmet with an M on it. That bothers me on many levels.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  4. My three year old just brought me a beer without me even asking, which TOTALLY makes up for the prior 1205 days that he didn’t.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71
  5. I have an uncanny ability to steer clear of potentially awkward situations.

    I call it “clairvoidance”.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 70
  6. Looking up at the stars, I feel so small, so insignificant. I guess I’ll go inside and make my kid shine my shoes.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67
  7. This weather is so disgusting I’m surprised it’s not at a party right now hanging all over Jon Gosselin.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  8. Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named “John Stamos.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57
  9. I would refill the baby’s water dish, but it’s all the way in the kitchen and this couch doesn’t reach that far.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #4821747176 (?)
    @Trick_or_tweet (Unavailable) – 53
  11. Madam, if you can’t look happy buying a handle of generic vodka in your jammies at 3 in the afternoon, then maybe you need better vodka.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52
  12. JAVA DEV 1: This looks like SHIT.
    JAVA DEV 2: I know! Like a Java app.
    JD1: Hey!
    JD2: Really?
    JD1: No, no, you’re right; we make bad things.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  13. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Not that I have anything coherent to say anyway.

    At the dinner table, I’m a lot like the Democratic Party.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
  14. I don’t have male pattern baldness, but looks can be receding.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49
  15. Obama and the Democrats are now sending so many emails, I half expect the next one to say “Hey, Joe, we added you to our mafia family…”
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49
  16. Having a girlfriend really interferes with my natural ability to do everything the wrong way.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 49
  17. Sometimes nothing makes me feel better than spooning with my dog. Especially at times like this, when Mattress Warehouse is so crowded.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 48
  18. Somewhere there’s an ad agency brief for Jameson, and next to the words “Target Demographic,” there’s a picture of me in my underpants.
    @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 47
  19. And we’re married now so I won’t ever do that other thing ever again. Here, have some cufflinks.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47
  20. Luckily for you, your breasts make it easy to overlook the fact that you completely lack a personality.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45
August 23, 2009
  1. Abercrombie-ish hot guy was actually hitting on me until I used the word “album”. May as well have said “daguerreotype”. Or “literacy”.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 86
  2. The worst has passed. Hurricane Bill has moved on.

    I may have been a tad hasty in slaughtering my neighbors and feasting on their flesh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  3. “So, I was, like..” is the new “once upon a time..”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 72
  4. They’re raising the 10-yr budget deficit to $9 trillion. I say we round up to $10 trillion and buy ourselves something nice.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  5. If Burger King’s fries were any shittier, they’d have chunks of corn in them.
    @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 56
  6. Oh, yipee… they’ve got the KissCam on in the stadium. Yawn. Wake me when the FellateCam is on.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 50
  7. Filing a motion to impeach my pants.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  8. The convenient part of loneliness is that nobody is there to see you deal with it.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50
  9. Profoundly funny tweet #3493328959 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49
  10. The only way I could drink more coffee this morning is if there was more coffee.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  11. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t judge me for drinking already and I wouldn’t have to use a cat to dry my tears.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49
  12. I’ve never seen Jesus. But, I’ve seen Keith Richards, twice. Once, in concert. And, just now, in the wrinkles of my nutsatchel.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45
  13. You know, those sticky roller things are quite effective at picking up Dorito dust from your bare torso.

    I hear.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 42
  14. One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two.
    @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 41
  15. A show I’d watch: Man vs. Gene Wilder.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  16. Business Idea: A little store named Awkward Express. You come in, we measure your inseam. That’s it. And then you leave.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 39
  17. Profoundly funny tweet #3501535411 (?)
    @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 38
  18. I may not be as showered as some would like.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37
  19. Each week we play the game where she asks if I need anything from the grocery store, and I go “um…” for 30 minutes and then say “cookies.”
    @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 36
  20. What do you call a funeral service with insomnia? A wake!

    I’ll be leaving now.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 35