Theatre-of-life

The signs as shit my professors said during my first year of theatre school:

Aries: “I’m missing that finger because my ex left me at the alter so I cut off my finger and retuned the ring”

Taurus: “Did… did he just climax?… no wait I loved it. Bigger next time”

Gemini:“So the question is: who ties up who when they’re hatefucking?”

Cancer:“Someone google if you can pay a sex worker with a credit card”

Leo: “I really hope we don’t get pulled over. I have a suitcase full of syringes and fake heroin in the back”

Virgo: “Straight people just humping away in the courtyard”

Libra: “Rainbowliciousness, it’s like the 90s again”

Scorpio: “This show has some of the best puppet sex I’ve ever seen”

Sagittarius: “Bear in the Big Blue House is like your fuzzy gay uncle”

Capricorn: “Today we’re going to learn practical life skills” *teaches us how to make balloon animals*

Aquarius:“I had a skunky weekend”*student mimes smoking a joint* “No, but I shoulda”

Pisces: “Eating pizza is a state of mind”

Theatre Kid Problems
  • Me: who am I anywayyyy? am I my résumé?!
  • Me: DEAR JASON, THERE WILL BE TEARS TODAY
  • Me: it's just life, so keep dancing through
  • Me: I SHOULD TELL I BLEW THE CANDLE OUT, JUST TO GET BACK IN
  • Me: morning glowwwwwww is heeeeeeere at laaaast
  • Me: far from skid rowwwww, I dream we'll go
  • Me: someone to waaAAAAAAAAtch over meeeeeeeeeeeee
  • Me: THERE ARE GIANTS IN THE SKYYYYYYY
  • Me: I will sing the song of purple summer
  • Me: we neeeeeed some light
  • Me: CHRISTINE, THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOOOOOU
  • Me: you can't stop the beat
  • Me: this I swear by the STARS
  • Me: I OWE YOU A BOTTLE OF COLD CHAMPAGNE
  • Me: I know it's todayyyy oooooooh
  • Me: goodbyyyyye until tomOOOOOOOOrow
  • Everyone: stop
Unspoken Rules Of Standing In The Wings:

1) shut the fuck up
2) stop touching my damn prop
3) if you can see the audience then the audience can see you 4) just don’t touch anything
5)Get out of the way oh my GOD
6)“I hope you say Macbeth I swear I hope you do”

Dr Leonid Rogozov performs surgery on himself in Antarctica, 1967.

Dr Rogozov was part of a research team trekking across Antarctica when his appendix burst, causing widespread shock. Knowing he wouldnt survive a trip back to base camp, Dr Rogozov turned a tent into a makeshift operating theatre and performed the life-saving surgery himself, using only a mirror and a book to guide him. The surgery took several hours and Dr Rogozov was able to resume his normal duties the next day. He later stated the hardest part of performing surgery on himself was having to work upside down.

‘This actor looks too old for the role.’ Fair.

‘This actor looks too tall next to the rest of the cast.’ Okay… I guess.

‘This actor’s voice doesn’t suit the genre.’ Sure.

‘I don’t think this actor is fuckable.’ No. NO. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, eat my ENTIRE ASS

Super Cute Musical Date Ideas
  • Watch The Last Five Years together
  • Sing “A Little Fall of Rain” when it starts to shower outside
  • Throw sandwiches at each other while singing “Just Another Day”
  • Spar with each other like in “Little Things we Do Together”
  • Stalk each other as if you were The Phantom and Christine
  • Murder the most mythic bitch in your high school together (bonus: kill two jocks and plant a bomb in the boiler room)
  • Bake pies together using recipes from Sweeney Todd
  • Die together like in Bonnie and Clyde
How musicals changed my life
  • *sees a table*
  • Me: I love you like a table
  • *sees someone cries*
  • Me: They made you cry, but that will end tonight
  • *sees 7-11*
  • Me: Seems every time I'm about to despair, there's a 7-11 right there
  • *sees slushie*
  • Me: I pray at my alter of slush
  • *sees trees*
  • Me: I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees
  • *sees windows*
  • Me: I'm waving through a window
  • *sees Sam Winchester smiles*
  • Me: When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
  • *sees a ship*
  • Me: Guns and ships and so the balance shifts
  • *when someones say their ideas are original*
  • Me: I am inimitable, I am an original

The funniest thing to me is that moment in a show when a character has just died in some tragic way, and it’s just like the saddest thing ever and everyone is bawling

Then you go backstage and they’re just sitting there scrolling through their phone because now they have nothing to do for the rest of Act 2