Been trying really hard not to exist in a state of constant grief these days. Been trying to honor my dead loved ones as if their memories are valuable rare tchotchkes in a display case with glass doors - organized and uncluttered so THEY can’t get lost in MY torment that intertwines and entangles like a mess of thick clouds and noise and static.

I was a different person once and death after death after death I became obsessed and overwhelmed, like a hoarder, with the trauma of each loss taking up so much space that I couldn’t really see the departed as separate beings, or even find myself in there, or do much else, or think of much else.

I was too smothered by all the darkness and pain, all heaped up together.
Surrounded by gray and darkness is not where I thrive. Been working hard to clean up shop. Open the blinds. Let more light in.

Today I have taken Alexander Henry and Megann ɪŋk down from the shelf and I am calmly and quietly holding them in my heart and mulling them over. I didn’t realize until today they had the same birthday. Of course they did.

Oh my beauties. I love you. I miss you.
I miss singing with you.
Thank you for being my friends.
I see you.
I treasure you.