So some of my most popular posts on tumblr have been involving Elder Scrolls lore.  Last I checked, that Khajiit thing had about 11k notes… (yet meanwhile my actual mods that I pour hours of effort into get practically none, but no matter).

Anyways, here’s an interesting bit of lore for you.

Some of you might have seen books such as “The Biography of Barenziah” and “The Real Barenziah” lying around here and there. Barenziah was a Dunmer woman, and probably one of the most (if not the most) influential female figures in all of Tamriel’s history. Barenziah was the Queen of Wayrest, and eventually the Queen of Morrowind. She also conceived an illegitimate child with Tiber Septim, and was partially responsible for defeating the evil sorcerer Jagar Tharn, an imposter of Emperor Uriel Septim VII.

What most in-game books won’t tell you however, are the more intimate details of her youth. For that, you’ll have to go all the way back to Daggerfall.

In Daggerfall, Barenziah herself gives you a quest to prevent someone from publishing a biography full of her secrets, “The Real Barenziah”. She claims that, like everyone else, she did foolish things as a young adult that she doesn’t want the world to know about.

Eventually, the book does get published of course, since we know it today from Morrowind, Oblivion, and Skyrim. The version in these games though has been edited and censored by the Temple (at least, that’s the lore explanation for it).

In the book she pulls off some Mulan tier shit when she’s 17. After her family sought asylum in Skyrim because of a nasty revolt in Morrowind, she ran away from home with a Nord boy, had sex with him, and then told him she wanted an open relationship (although he didn’t). So she ran off to Riften and frequently dressed as a boy to hide her identity. She also tried to sign up for the Thieves Guild. And here’s where things get extra saucy in the ORIGINAL Manuscript.

It is revealed that (and I am not making this shit up, this was legitimately in an Elder Scrolls game. this isn’t some saucy fanfiction) “in the barroom” (presumably the Ragged Flagon underneath Riften, but this was hundreds of years ago so it could have been referring to a different place) she spoke to a large Khajiit by the name of Therris. She offered, rather bluntly, to sleep with him if he would sponsor her to become a Thieves Guild member. And then, in a very passionate and hotly detailed scene, he rather suddenly gropes her, pulls down her shirt, and fucks her in front of the whole bar. Most of the bar patrons are ambivalent to the incident, though they do take note. The sex is apparently so simultaneously ecstatic and painful that she passes out. When she comes to, it’s revealed that the reason it was so painful was because, according to Therris, Khajiit have barbed dicks.

I am not making this shit up.

I wish I was.

The Elder Scrolls: where all your questions, from the metaphysics of the universe to the shape of a Khajiit’s penis, can be answered if you dig deep enough in the lore.

Later in that same volume of the Biography, Barenziah has a conversation with a Nord friend of hers, Katisha, and Katisha tells Barenziah that there is apparently a big stereotype that young Dunmer women are promiscuous and often become prostitutes.

Gee, I wonder why?

Anyways, there’s something for you to chew on next time you’re at the Ragged Flagon in Riften. Next time you’re there, you’ll know that in all likelihood, Barenziah, Queen of Wayrest and Morrowind, was brutally and publicly fucked in that very room.

(source for all of the above: )

“Ugh! It stinks down here!” I muttered.

Marcurio laughed. “They don’t call it The Ratway for nothing!”

We went down the steps and entered the tunnel. It smelled of fishy river water and mold. 

“Hold up!” yelled a voice nearby. “You don’t belong here.”

A moment later two men large men stepped out of the shadows with weapons drawn, blocking our way.

“Give us all your gold!” sneered the second man. 

Seconds later, the two men laid sprawled across the damp stone floor. 

We tried our best to keep straight of the twisting tunnels that ran through the Ratway, yet we found ourselves having to double back several times.  I had lost track of how long we had been wandering underneath Riften.

“I don’t think we’ve gone through this door,” Marcurio remarked for the third time. I pushed it open. He was right - the door opened up into a carvernous room that held a lake. Across the lake was a loading dock and, beyond that, I could see several people casually sitting and talking. Was this some sort of meeting place?

“We found it,” whispered Marcurio.

“Found what?”

“The Ragged Flagon. It’s where the Thieves Guild like to hangout here in Riften. I’d only heard about it, of course.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched us make our way around the lake. “Let me do the talking,” whispered Marcurio. 

The sentry was a surly-looking behemoth of a man. He eyed us suspiciously as we approached him. “You don’t belong here,” he said, giving me a hard look.

“Etienne owes us a favor,” replied Marcurio. 

“Oh, he does, does he?” he chuckled.

“We helped him escape from the Thalmor.”

Dirge thought for a second. “Etienne did mention something like that when he arrived a couple of days ago. We had been wondering where he had disappeared to for such a long time. Wouldn’t really say what happened, though.”

“He was being tortured by the Thalmor. He was barely alive when we found him. I gave him a glass dagger for protection once we made it out.”

Dirge nodded approvingly. “I’ve seen that dagger. Nice piece. Etienne isn’t here, though. He’s on a job.”

“We’re looking for an old man that’s been hiding in the Warrens. It’s why one the Guild members was being tortured. Have you seen this man around?”

Dirge glanced at the both of us. After a few seconds, he relaxed. “Yeah, I think I know who you mean. He’s paid good money for nobody to know he’s down here, but I guess I can tell you.”