The-Last-Girlfriend-on-Earth

Center of the universe
  • Center of the universe
  • Simon Rich
  • live recording
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Simon Rich reads his very funny short story “Center of the Universe” from his collection “The last girlfriend on earth” which, in what one presumes must have been a moment of sheer boldness, he dedicated to his girlfriend. The reading was part of a Valentine’s day bash Dan Savage held for “all the bitter single people” of Seattle.

This recording was a part of the Savage Love Podcast.

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Ian Bohen, JR Bourne, Tyler Hoechlin, Cody Christian and Dylan Sprayberry - Teen Wolf convention in Paris 05.07.15 (day 2)- pictures by catawoman and sovandara

Children of The Dirt

     According to Aristophanes, there were originally three sexes - the children of the moon who were half-male and half-female, the children of the sun who were fully male, and the children of the earth, who were fully female. Everyone had four legs, four arms and two heads, and spent their days in blissful contentment.

      Zeus became jealous of the humans’ joy so he decided to split them all in two. Aristophanes called this punishment the origin of love because ever since, the children of the earth, moon and sun have been searching the globe in a desperate bid to find their other halves. 

     Aristophanes’ story though is incomplete because there was also a fourth sex - the children of the dirt. Unlike the other three sexes, the children of the dirt consisted of just one half. Some were male and some were female and each had just two arms, two legs and one head. 

     The children of the dirt found the children of the earth, moon and sun to be completely insufferable. Whenever they saw a two-headed creature walking by, talking to itself in baby-talk voices, it made them want to vomit. They hated going to parties and when there was no way to get out of one, they sat in the corner, too bitter and depressed to talk to anybody. The children of the dirt were so miserable that they invented wine and art to dull their pain. It helped a little, but not really. When Zeus went on his rampage he decided to leave the children of the dirt alone. They’re already [bleep], he explained.

     Happy gay couples descend from the children of the sun. Happy lesbian couples descend from the children of the earth. And happy straight couples descend from the children of the moon. But the vast majority of humans are descendants of the children of the dirt. And no matter how long they search the earth, they’ll never find what they’re looking for because there’s nobody for them, not anybody in the world.

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The Last Girlfriend on Earth - Simon Rich

A while ago at readcommendations, we posted about readings books which no one has ever heard about, and the tags just kept rolling in. So many book recommendations from followers, and book fans! Thanks to them, I picked up The Last Girlfriend on Earth: and I am so thankful I did.

The book is a collection of short stories about love and romance - with a twist. One, for example, tells the story of a boy’s life, from the point of view of a condom in his wallet. Or there’s one in which god is creating the universe, and his girlfriend believes he’s not present enough in the relationship. And so on: the ex-girlfriend is haunting the apartment and needs to be exorcised, an astronaut has an interesting preposition for a science experiment, a caveman searches for love, a magical goat tries to get out of what he believes to be the friendzone. 

SO.

MUCH.

FUN.

When I say short stories, I mean short. Some are a page long, or less. I’m pretty sure the longest one can’t be more than ten pages. it was a quick read, and I didn’t even seem time fly. I put it down, and suddenly it was night, and I was trying to shove this book in my sister’s face. How did that happen?

All in all, this is a fantastic collection, and I highly recommend it.

The Last Girlfriend on Earth, Simon Rich
  • Josh: She creates this imaginary friend, who is a goat wearing a petticoat, and they hang out together and have a great time, and frolic. Then at one point the goat tries to kiss her and she realizes that she thinks it’s a platonic relationship -- but he does not think it’s platonic.
  • Lacy: That goat’s gotta figure some stuff out.
  • Jenn: Is he still wearing the petticoat the whole time?
  • Rebecca: He’s a gender-bending goat.