A Message To Female Voters From Texas Republicans by Langan Kingsley ( @thisislangan )
Under the recently approved legislation in House Bill 2, the Texas government will further regulate the female reproductive system (including but not limited to: ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes, vagina, vulva, labia, and everything therein). However, this legislation by no means limits every woman’s ability to lead a full, human life!
Accordingly, our policy advisors have assembled the following list of body parts that are still be under your complete discretion–physically and mentally!
FINGERS – There they are, at the tip of your hands!
TOES – Paint the nails, wiggle them in the sand, strap them into sandals, stub them on table legs…the possibilities are truly endless, as long as they fall within the parameters of things you can do with toes!
ARMS - They hang at your side and they are open wide—for hugs and baby-holding! Think of all the tasks your arms make possible—ironing, cooking, cooking and ironing at the same time, doing laundry, which then has to be ironed—the human body is an incredible machine.
LEGS – Yours from top to bottom! Well, not from the top exactly. From like, the thighs down. The thighs are ours (uterine proximity).
FINGERNAILS – Did you know a fetus has fingernails at 9weeks?
HAIR – Cool, right? Cut it, color it, dye it—go crazy! Just don’t make it too sexy, cause then, well, you’re inviting unwanted attention, which might result in unwanted pregnancy and then—womp womp—we’re right back where we started, and guess what? It’s all your fault!
KNUCKLES – It’s almost impossible for us to think of a way these could interfere with a potential life growing inside of you, so for now let’s say they’re okay!