Tatyanna

Dear Tatyanna

Dear Tatyanna,

Tidakkah matahari amat menyengat sore itu, ketika kubalikkan punggung membelakangi peron-peron seiring laju keretamu? Kuharap kamu nyaman di sana, dalam derap roda gerbong-gerbong yang kini berbalik arah. Aku ingat, kursimu adalah sebuah sudut kecil di sisi jendela—seperti yang kamu suka—tempatmu menulis lirik-lirik lagu yang dulu selalu kamu nyanyikan padaku. Denting gitarmu terngiang selamanya. Berpadu dengan bunyi roda-roda yang menggilas rel itu, sore itu, menjadi nyanyian yang menyayat telinga.

Tapi, setidaknya kamu nyaman di sana.

Meski aku tidak.

Berupaya sebisanya untuk tidak melihat ke matamu karena aku tahu aku pasti tidak mampu. Desis suaramu terasa perih, memohon satu ciuman untuk terakhir kali. Aku tak tahu bagaimana mengatakan tidak. Lebih tidak tahu lagi, bisakah kutahan perasaanku sendiri andai aku mengecup bibirmu sekali lagi. Bagaimana menahan terpaan kenangan yang pasti akan membawa kita terlempar lagi pada saat melakukannya pertama kali. Kita sudah pernah berusaha melawannya, dulu, di tempat yang sama ini. Saat itu ruas-ruas peron bagai berubah menjadi jalanan kota pukul dua pagi. Aku merasakan semuanya; aroma kulitmu, kelopak matamu yang dengan sia-sia berupaya tidur malam itu, terpaan rambutmu yang berantakan karena terlalu lama berbaring di mobilku. Dan cerita-ceritamu. Lirik-lirik lagumu. Deting nada-nada minor dari gitarmu.

Aku tahu aku tidak akan mampu.

Maka, di sudut gerbong itu, kupeluk tubuhmu. Seerat yang kubisa, hanya supaya kamu tidak melawannya, dan agar aku mampu menghindari lapis-lapis air yang telah menggelantungi kelopak matamu yang sudah terlalu lama di sana. Dan, tetap saja, kamu melawannya. Seperti yang kuduga.

Aku mempertahankan kekuatan agar tidak menyerah.

Akhirnya kamu menangis.

Hatiku memaki.

Saat itulah aku memutuskan untuk berbalik pergi.

Lorong-lorong yang memanjangi gerbong pun seolah menyempit. Seolah waktuku akan segera habis, dan celah pintu itu semakin menipis. Kamu tidak tahu sulitnya menggerakkan kaki melawan diri untuk menjauh darimu—itulah, Tatyanna-ku—langkah-langkah terberat yang pernah kuambil seumur hidupku.

Kamu pasti sangat membenciku saat ini.

Seperti matahari yang menyerang marah sesaat setelah kupaksakan diri keluar dari stasiun itu. Aku bergegas—bagaikan mencari perlindungan—kembali ke mobil dan menutup pintunya dengan sebuah hempasan.

Aroma tubuhmu masih menyisa di sana.

Beserta harum Espresso-mu, berbaur dengan wewangian antah-berantah yang bersarang di jok belakang. Bingkisan-bingkisan yang entah apa isi di dalamnya. Segala sesuatu yang disiapkan orang-orang, yang siapa saja mereka itu, aku pun tidak tahu.

Segala sesuatu yang mereka anggap akan memuliakan pernikahanku.

Tatyanna-ku.

Aku tahu, setelah hari ini, kamu pasti akan menutup seluruh pintu kemungkinan untuk bertemu denganku kembali. Tidak mengapa. Lakukanlah.

Aku tetap berharap akan tiba suatu saat ketika kamu benar-benar dilimpahi bahagia. Agar, barangkali, saat hari itu tiba, nanti, kamu tidak akan membenciku lagi.

***

(BERSAMBUNG)

Pulang

Keretaku tiba terlalu pagi.

Sebenarnya, aku sedikit berharap stasiun ini terlihat lebih bersahabat. Damai dalam kebutaan pagi, dingin gelap, yang berteman baik dengan secangkir cokelat panas seperti yang selalu mereka lakukan.

Turun dari kereta itu adalah saat pertama lagi kutemui tempat yang sama setelah terakhir kutatap punggungnya berlalu. Ruas-ruas undak-undakan ubin lantai itu, tempat kami duduk, dan terakhir kali berpeluk. Tempat wajah-wajahnya kurekam dalam kamera ponsel. Tempat kami mencandai seorang gadis remaja kulit putih dan mengira-ngira siapa namanya. Lalu berjanji temu sebelum lenyap dalam toilet jenis kelamin masing-masing. Aku menyukai itu. Aku menganggapnya sebagai, I don’t wanna be without you too long.

Ia menganggapnya sebagai, I haven’t got so much time. Maka, "Please meet me at Dunkin Donuts,“ tulisnya.

Aku meninggalkan stasiun ini terakhir kali dengan tangis. Ia menolak untuk mencium. Hanya memeluk erat selama beberapa saat, lalu berlalu pergi. Tidak menoleh lagi untuk kedua kali. Aku hanya mengiranya, karena itu hanya akan membuatnya teramat sedih.

Kami sudah tak mungkin bersama.

Rasanya mustahil, seperti matahari tenggelam yang muncul lagi setelah senja.

Meskipun, rasanya, hanya beberapa bulan saja sebelum hari itu, masih kulihat rindu bersinar-sinar di matanya. Masih kutatap pilar-pilar, rel yang memanjang, dan lampu-lampu putih di sepanjang peron sebagai kerlip cinta. Hanya beberapa bulan saja sebelumnya, air kolam yang tenang di depan stasiun itu masih mengendapkan rahasia tentang ciuman-ciuman rindu. Percakapan para penjual jajanan di kios-kios di depannya yang riuh dan lucu. Gerbang tempat berjanji temu.

Aku mencintai stasiun ini.

Maka aku kembali.

Aku harus menatapnya lagi. Menatapnya diam, menyimpan rahasia-rahasia itu, sekadar agar aku tahu—masihkah ia sanggup. Atau, haruskah ia melepaskan segala ceritanya, karena terlalu berat, atau haruskah ia berlalu karena memang teramat tidak penting.

Jadi, masihkah sanggup kau, wahai, lampu-lampu putih dan peron-peron yang damai, untuk menyimpan rahasia-rahasiaku? Kau tak perlu memaksakan diri, tahu…, aku tahu bahwa sebelum kami, sudah terlalu banyak kisah-kisah yang terjadi. Terlalu banyak pertemuan, dan perpisahan lagi, di sini…, yang telah begitu lama menggelayuti tiang-tiang pilarmu ini.

Kau tak perlu memaksakan diri.

 

***

 

Oh, matahariku terbit lagi di antara pelepah-pelepah dingin pepohon perdu di tepi kolam itu.

Dan aku tahu aku akan harus terus menemuimu.

Berani menatapmu lagi, setelah hari ini. Diam dalam kediamanmu yang magis, dan heningmu yang pekat, tempat dimana kenanganku melekat. Hariku akan berjalan, hai loket-loket mungil dan lonceng-lonceng kecil. Kau juga. Lihat, lampu-lampu putihmu telah mulai mati. Aku tahu engkau harus bersiap untuk satu kisah lagi.

Maka akan kurelakan kenanganku di sini. Biar saja melekat. Karena aku tahu, saat kubiarkan bayangku hilang dari lampu putihmu…, engkau masih akan tetap kuat.

 

*** 

The long ride home...

Memorial Day Fashion Getaway (#MDFG)  
Series ONE,Chapter 6

We last left off the girls spent the day sunning at the beach. Peace Maker ran into her ex-girlfriend while shopping at Intermix in East Hampton, NY.


Peace Maker and Mother Nature were somber from the lengthy discussion about Peace Maker’s past with Tatyanna. It was evident to Mother Nature that Peace was still deeply affected by the break-up and had managed to bury her feelings until the recent encounter in the store. The two friends agreed only to talk about “ex”-drama for the duration of the car ride home. Peace Maker shared with Mother Nature that she met Tatyanna while modeling during Japan’s fashion week years ago. They had an instant connection that couldn’t be confined by the parameters of friendship. The two were passionate and setting the world on fire with their “save the world” mentalities. The women traveled everywhere on working-model visas while helping to make the world a better place. They built girls schools in Uganda, raising money for clean water for small villages in Paraguay amongst many other crusading adventures, all while finding the occasional fresh water cliff diving spot to jump from. They were “lipstick” and in love. But a relationship on paper usually fairs far better than reality. The two returned to the states to model for South Beach’s high season, where models flock south for the winter and get paid to play volleyball and the occasional photo shoot. Upon their return, they found themselves going through the trials and tribulations any couple would find themselves immersed in. Miami isn’t for the faint of heart. And if you’re not high on confidence, than your likely to be high on something else. South Beach killed more relationships then Facebook.


Mother Nature dressed in her vintage find & matched her accessories to her NDNY necklace “coral bones”

Peace Maker & Tatyanna’s didn’t stand a chance. Tatyanna crushed everything she touched under the guise of her beauty. She was a tsunami of passion enveloping what she could in her wake and Peace Maker was incapable of doing anything to stop the destruction with her “make peace not war” attitude. Tatyanna loved attention, the party scene and more attention. It became increasingly harder for Tatyanna to stay lucid or faithful. But the final straw that broke the camel’s back for Peace Maker was when she had to rescue an incapacitated Tatyanna from Peace Maker’s very own ex-boyfriend’s house due to a near overdose situation. Peace Maker gave Tatyanna one last chance to make things right. One day shortly after the rescue, Peace Maker came home from a photo shoot to a nearly empty apartment. Tatyanna had taken all of her belongings and their twin teacup Yorkies. She’d made off with Peace Maker’s ex and left only a note saying “sorry I just can’t be what you want me to be… it’s better this way .. xo, T.” Peace Maker was devastated by this enormous betrayal. How could so much have changed so quickly. She couldn’t stay in the place they called home, so she packed herself a tote with the bare essentials and hit the road. Peace Maker backpacked all over the world for the next three years. She packed light, never looking back or staying too attached to any place or any person. The only family she had was that of her close friends Mother Nature, DeVa Warrior & Glamour Goddess. Peace Maker had parlayed the media buzz her and Tatyanna created into a business "Super Model, Super Hero” nonprofit organization which campaigned to resolve world social issues sponsored by big business companies. She figured out a win-win situation, where large-brand corporations could repair their image by doing good deeds by shipping her all over the world as a general goodwill ambassador. She figured if the companies could spend endless money hiding the skeletons in their closet, than she could get them to shell out some money for actual real causes. And the real genius behind this idea was she never made them confront their own issues but rather outside issues in other markets and gained bigger results. It was brilliant and she was the cat’s meow in the not-for-profit society. Lastly, Peace Maker mentioned to Mother Nature that Tatyanna was in the Hampton’s to attend a Robin Hood fundraiser.


Peace Maker slip into her Intermix purchase from earlier that day. 

Tatyanna invited Peace Maker to accompany her as her honored guest. But Peace Maker was no fool; she knew that was just a half-hearted ploy to gain some media attention for being seen with Peace. But like an addict, Peace knew she had to keep her distance. If she got to close she would be sucked into the drama and the devastation like that of a Nor’easter. But now that Peace Maker knew that Tatyanna could be just around the corner, she couldn’t help but to circle the wagon in her head “Why?” She needed answers, but was she strong enough to resist the temptation of Hurricane Tatyanna????

When the women reached the house Mother Nature poured two large glasses of white wine and cranked some much needed Rage Against the Machine tunes. The girls danced around the living room and jumped on the plush antique white couches until the wine eased away their blues. Then they unloaded their new purchases for the big night out that lay ahead. They played fashion show like little girls in their mom’s closet using the long hallway as a runway for entertaining their new playful dispositions. Their clothes flung over every piece of standing furniture. They had regained their stay-cation vibes and were ready to face the public. Mother Nature had to attend a book launch party for a potential client of Linda Lanes followed by a hot club scene in East Hampton. Mother Nature decided the girls needed to keep their attire playful and light like their reclaimed moods. Mother Nature slipped into cute cream romper with a deep V-back and delicate detailing, a local vintage find. She zipped up her Vince Camuto Kipton Steel heels and pulled together a few key pieces for her wrist & fingers that would complement her NiaDara NewYork Coral Bones Necklace. Peace Maker always felt best in loads of bright color. She jumped into her spring collection Intermix dress she purchased earlier that afternoon. She then accessorized her hair with a few fresh flowers from the garden and Loaded up her wrist with every bangle she could find   She then wrapped her legs in butterfly sandals and a Lucifer Vir Honestus Pink Tourmaline Butterfly Ring to finish her look. Once dressed, they headed for the door and peeled out of the pebble driveway. Excited and glammed up for a good time, nothing was getting in their way of a hot night and another adventure in fashion…


Want to find out what happens next???

Sign up right now for the NDNY NEWSLETTER. You will receive free updates on conclusion chapters & new stories as they are published. Not to mention the awesome fashion finds all blissfully located at NDNYurLiFe.com

Published with Monogram