You are the thread that holds the tattered pieces of my soul together. How can I even begin to explain what you mean to me when you are an entire infinity?
—  Nikita Gill, 4AM Text Message : “What Do I Mean to You?”

Do not fall for me.

I’m a broken glass, once you touch each part of me, you’ll get wounded. I’m a broken sonnet that compose of fourteen lines dripping in pain into murals of love. I’m a storm that’s vicious that can destroy every part of your body and your heart will be my landfall. I am a tattered soul that touches every part of you you’ll forget how to breathe. I’m a hurricane, spiraling inward and upward at a fast speed that can take you the ocean and drown you at its deepest depth. I am a wind that whispers the loveliest of lies into your eager ears. A poison that you’ll swallow, inhale, inject, or absorb it through your skin that will slowly kill you. An earthquake that’s so deep that i will let you fall into the ground. I am a shattered heart finding the missing pieces of my broken heart and I will use parts of yours if you let me. The world within myself has held worse. I am worse. You shouldn’t fall for someone like me. It’s not healthy for you. Do not come near me, you’ll just get hurt.

I am scarred. I am so afraid to let anyone see the pieces of my broken soul that i’ve been hiding in my cracked perfection. I’m afraid you will see me the way i see myself.

Don’t ever fall for me. You don’t deserve to feel this way too.


We all know that Carl wrote Ballad of Grimaldi for Peter and here’s the list of the song I believe he also wrote about him

  • Come Closer

Had love and I set it free
But it never came back to me, now
The skies have gone ugly
From Bolton to rugby

  • Chinese Dogs

Well it took you seven years
To learn my name
And I know it’s all the drugs and booze
that are to blame
What a shame
Well it took me seven years
To forget your name
All the drugs, all the fools
And the hanging around
I fell out the game
What a shame
What would it take for me to be your man
What would it take to make you understand
The world has gone cold

  • Deadwood

This all you make it?
You had the choice lad
You wouldn’t take it
The oldest charm
And the years of my life,
Some they were so good,
But now and again I feel
I was a coward
Are the holes in my soul
In tatters for all these tears
Well you don’t see it that way

  • Faultlines 

The fights, they never end
Like the nights, they’ve taken me over
And yeah I get the fear
But I cannot be bothered
All this waiting is just hesitating for nothing
And the fault lines
And all the conjecture from both sides
Why oh why can’t we change things
This is destroying me inside
You know you wanna run away
We shared out dreams
And nearly everything in between

I’ll never forget those
Long lost days in a haze
Where we lost ourselves with no apology

  • Bang Bang You’re Dead

I knew all along 
That I was right at the start 
bout the seeds of the weeds 
That grew in your heart 
Self satisfaction for the factions 
Who formed to tear us apart 
Well I gave you the Midas touch 
Oh you turned round and scratched out my heart 

  • B.U.R.M.A.

So when the dark times come well I will sing you a good time song
I’m pretending that it’s ending but it kills me to act so strong
Just to gaze in your eyes, makes all the difference to me

  • Radio Song

Put your arms around me girl cause I don’t know what to do
I’m spinning on a sixpence cause I’m still in love with you
We were vagabond souls put together sniffing glue
Your radio songs were all I really knew
Did you think I had a wind up heart?
You must have had plastic head
Did you think I had to play the part
when you copied everything I said?
I’m sorry sorry sorry if your getting me wrong
but you’re half a world away with only one sock on
Now your getting too much so I want to play along
cause all I really wanted was a radio song

  • Gin & Milk

See I really like you
But I’m nothing like you
I try really so hard
But don’t get so far
You get my respect
But we don’t connect
Were in it together
So I’ll love you forever
I love you forever

  • Carve My Name

And I carved my name on the livers of my lovers,
The hearts of all my brothers
Forgive me, love
So take away the poet’s pen, and never speak of love again
Break the hands that made a pair
And never will I need to care 

  • Irony of Love

It begins with how I fell for you
Saw myself in your eyes
I should have known how that would lead
To my own sweet demise 
When they said,
“He’s going to get his fucking head kicked in,
"He’s going to die in a fucking loony bin!”
Darling, oh, darling… 
This is the song I never wrote for you
I know I said I would
It might have turned out differently
If things had worked out good 
By your side the music rose
My heart would leap and bound
And the chilling feeling that maybe I
Could lose what I had found 
Then the hate, and hurt, and poisoned tongues
Ran out across the town
And then I guess the music stopped
When you were sleeping ‘round 
I suppose we never tried 
You know I could have married you

  • Shadows Fall

And one day we’ll meet again
I’ll be wind, you’ll be rain
Chasing 'round like lovers of old times. 
And you know I’ve loved you so
And I will till the end of days
But as I go, I want you to know:
You are loved

  • So Long My Lover

We met when you were oh so young
I took you from that drunken bum
And held you like some father
Oh we were both born for each other
Oh yes you were so full of hope then, you see
You’d be a dancer and sing with me
You danced your dance
and my sweet song was sung.
Oh I was reckless, you were free
I took you 'round the world with me
So holy together
No devils would tear us apart
The lights were bright on Harley Street
And with the future at our feet
we held on to each other
and somewhere lost our way

  • The Fall

We quick-stepped into love
Like Fred and Ginger in a trance
At all the most exclusive balls
Always we dreamt to dance
The snakes and devils of our past
Were scrupulously ignored
I said, “I think it’s over now,”
She said, “I’m not so sure.”
We turned our fury on each other
She crucified my confidence
I’d hung to to recover
We’d tighten up the thumbscrews
And still scream out for more
I said, “I think it’s over now,”
She said, “I’m not so sure.”

  • The Magus

We´ll drink brandy when they´re gone now
Dancing to our old time songs now
Don´t forget the good old days
Where have the flowers gone now?
Gone to young girls everyone now
That´s the price we´ll have to pay

  • Ballad of Grimaldi

Because you’ll tell me what you want and I’ll avoid it
Tell it to the sick and to the damned
Tell me what you love, watch me destroy it
Your love just crumbles in my hands
But if you stay for a while
I’ll try to think of something kind to say
Maybe we should pray for a while
St. Jude might hear my pleas, come to me,
see me on my bended knees
She knows I adore you


SPN Positivity Challenge - Day 5: A Meaningful Struggle

Sam’s bodily and mental integrity has been under assault from the time he was six months old - or, really, from ten years before that, since Azazel had designs on him before his parents were even married. Azazel fed him blood, and activated psychic powers in him. Meg possessed him, used him to kill and to threaten his friend with rape. Ruby made him an addict. Lucifer used him as a vessel. Dean stuck his tattered soul back in him. Cas broke his mental wall, causing the hallucinations that nearly killed him. Then Dean tricked him into agreeing to being possessed and healed, when he’d expressed a desire to die. WHEW.

Here, finally, Sam gets the chance to say: My body is mine; my mind is mine. The rest of you? Get the hell out. He has to fight for it - but he expels Gadreel, entirely on the basis of his own strength.

(Screencaps from HOTN.)

(Other Posts In This Series)

this gets to me so much though because you can just see the aftermaths of the war in each photo. we can look at them and pinpoint where each member of the joui 4 is at, emotionally and mentally 

gintoki and takasugi seem the most despondent, and knowing what we do of the paths they end up taking, there’s so much that can be read from their pictures. gintoki, locked up and truly isolated, after fighting a war he didn’t believe in and then failing to save the person for whom he’d stepped over the corpses of so many, from this picture alone we cannot know that one kind stranger saves him from corruption and another saves him from starvation. we do know that he picks himself back up, moment by moment, day by day, building, with nothing but what is left of his tattered samurai soul, the yorozuya from the ashes of his past. and he moves on, burdened once more with people he cares for, would enter another pointless war for. his creation is one of family and friends, who get through each day with such joy and ridiculous antics, because they have each other, and they are alive, and gintoki has found the light to his darkness 

i just noticed, takasugi’s picture is the only one flipped upside down, his descent from the war being so divergent from his friends. moving on (but does he ever truly move on, when every time he closes his eyes all he can see is death and please stop and that moment the one moment that stirs the embers of his soul and fans them into the wildfire of his rage) for him consists of setting down a path so drastically, irreconcilably different from the others, where he too builds with his own battered hands a group of people he surrounds himself with, only their purpose is one of destruction and is fueled by takasugi’s immeasurable rage and sadness

like many have observed before, somewhere along the road zura takes up the mantle of the joui war itself; his reasons for fighting in the war have always been noble, from saving sensei to fighting for the ideals of the joui patriots and becoming one of the torchbearers of their message and purpose. he stands, surrounded by daylight, unlike his two childhood friends who have yet moved on from the darkness before the dawn the sins wrought by their bloodied hands the guilt the pain the unending sadness. and he creates his own group of people who will fight and usher in a new dawn of edo

finally we have sakamoto, peace-loving, clever, bright sakamoto, who may not have lost a beloved teacher and father figure but has survived a war and undoubtedly bears scars of his own (and this is before we learn that he lost the use of his sword hand, the very bearer of a samurai’s physical spirit). each joui member takes away from the war their own message, their own lessons, and are inspired by their unspeakable losses to take on their new paths. sakamoto, however, i think would’ve done the same things no matter what he’d been through. his ideals do not seem to have changed from day one; he remains a negotiator, a merchant, a source of levity and lightness in the midst of such darkness. he will save those slaves and he will create his own family from, yes, the ashes of the people he just defeated with nothing but his beliefs and words and cleverness

and i am definitely reading too much into this but gintama is one of those stories that shares glimpses into the hearts of characters you just can’t stop thinking and talking about, where you might pick up one theme and then realize just how many other aspects of the story seem to be connected. i don’t think i’ve noticed until now how each joui boy is the founder of his respective group, which differs in the source of its members and its overall purpose (to live on, for revenge, for revolution, to bridge and connect), but there is the overall theme of surviving and building and moving on, even if some paths are ones that are forward-looking and others are forever chained to events from the past 

You deserve it. Everything in this world. Things like love and friendship and not a corner with walls and self destruction. Mistakes happen. It’s not purposeful. We are not at fault, this world has a mind of its own sometimes. Destiny too. They twist and turn, they test you. Endure. Slowly, softly. You will live, tattered soul maybe.
But just because your path was vicious, does not mean you choose to be unloved, stray away from the society. You deserve everything the world can give. You deserve someone new, helping you. Live.

Et De Stellis

Castiel set down the tattered soul next to the shattered body. He’d collected all the pieces already; all he had to do was fit the atoms back together.

Dean leaned over the pile of atoms, fragile light of his soul pulsing gently with curiosity.

‘What is that?’ He didn’t ask it, he had no mind and no mouth and no words, but the idea was the same.

“That is you,” Castiel replied. He cupped his hand around Dean, lifting him up and bring him closer. “This is what you’re made of.”

Doubt made the soul flicker, like a candle in the dark. ‘I’m made of stars?’

“Yes,” Castiel replied. He would’ve smiled if he weren’t a shapeless wave of celestial intent. “Everyone is.”

Though he didn’t have a head to shake, Dean disagreed. ‘No. I’m dust and dirt. That’s it.’

“Where do you imagine dust and dirt came from?”

The soul regarded him. There was no way for him to be guarded, to have control over what he let people see, but that was okay. Dean didn’t feel scared, cradled in Castiel’s palm like this.

There was no face, no mouth to curve and no teeth to flash, but Castiel smiled. “Would you like to watch me build you?”

Dean thought a moment, attention turned back to the heap of star stuff. ‘Yes, please.’

Castiel chuckled, brought Dean up to rest on what would have been his shoulder, and got to work.

It was a puzzle. The most beautiful, complex puzzle, with the smallest pieces. There were his bones, clumps of stars put into blocks until of skeleton sat twinkling before the two. There here his veins, lines growing ever smaller the farther out they went. There was his heart, pumping out and pulling in more stars through the sparkling veins. There were his lungs, filling and shrinking and shifting all those stars just the barest amount, and still there was more. His skin, his face, his hair and eyes and freckles and scars, all made of hundreds and thousands and a million million stars.

And there he was. Dean Winchester, a man made of stars.

The most surprising part was how Castiel treated those stars. He always looked for the exact right one. There was no anger, no annoyance, no rush to any of his actions. He treated every star like it was worth the entire world, and in the state Dean was in, he couldn’t comprehend.

‘Cas,’ he said quietly, faint thoughts whispering through the air, ‘I don’t understand.’

“What don’t you understand, Dean?”

The soul shifted, moving closer to Castiel’s neck, seeking comfort in the heavenly warmth. ‘Why do you treat my body like I’m worth something?’

And there was that smile again, a warm feeling making Dean’s soul shimmer with happiness.

“Because you will save the world. Because you will bring peace. Because you are the Righteous Man, and you will be the savior of all living things.” He looked down at Dean then, pausing momentarily in careful work. “And, most of all, because you are worthy of love, Dean.”

Dean looked up at him, soul flicking and waving and drawing ever closer to Castiel.

‘Really?’ The thought was barely there, but Castiel heard it all the same.

“Really. I have been waiting since time began to rebuild you. As the universe has changed, the one thing I know beyond any doubt is that you are the most worthy of love.”

Dean thought about that, rolled the idea around in his nonexistent mouth. Finally, his soul settled to a content glow. ‘I feel safe,’ he thought. ‘I think I’ll rest for a little bit.’

“Yes, Dean. Rest.” A pulse of gentle protection washed over Dean’s soul. “I’ll watch over you.”

‘Even when I’m back in my body?’ He had to ask, just to be sure.

“Especially then.”

anonymous asked:

Do you just like sexiness and sensualness because you're afraid to express love without receiving it? You're worth so much more than the price tag you put on yourself, but you don't want to revert back to a life where you once thought you were invisible. I can understand that. However, sometimes it's not about how many eyes are on you, but about the hearts behind the eyes that see through to your soul. Tattered and confused, but still beautiful. I hope you find happiness in what you choose dw

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone call me out on my shit like that have them be so nice. But you’re quite right, I’ve gotten better this past year. Not doing as many nude shoots, I only shoot nude with one photographer because his work is so much more deeper than being sexy, or having a nice body. It’s about the body of a woman being art on it own. I’ve grown to learn that I am worth a lot more than I sell myself, hence why I haven’t really been with anyone since my ex Mark, him and I tried it again.. And it just didn’t work I knew I was worth so much more than how I was being treated. Now I’m seeing someone, who spoils me in affections, takes care of me when I’m sick, upset, in pain, he listens, he surprises me with how much he actually listens. He got to know me; and the kind of things i liked, like what books I was into, and why. What authors, directors, music producers, anything I was interesting he was genuinely listening and taking note. He made me know my worth before him and I even took out relationship to an intimate one. He made me feel safe and secure with myself, and I knew i could come to him with anything and he wouldn’t yell or be upset he would’ve give me his honest opinion. He didn’t want to get to know me on a physical level, he wanted to explore my mind, my wants, needs, desires, fears, worries. And he still wants me, and looks at me as though I’m his own personal heaven. I wouldn’t trade what we have or him for anything. He is what I’ve been asking, someone who truly knows my worth and shows me every day that they are lucky to have it just as much as I’m lucky to have them.