The Signs as Straight White Boy Texts

Aries: nudes?
Taurus: wanna have sex?
Gemini: bout to work out!
Cancer: netflix and chill?
Leo: haha and then what? ;)
Virgo: im horny right now
Libra: Haha hey
Scorpio:  what would you do if I was here? ;) 
Sagittarius: wanna see a dick pic?
Capricorn: bra size? 
Aquarius: wanna play 20 questions? 
Pisces: are you a virgin?

4. Cover Girls

Being on the cover of a magazine is a big accomplishment for a model. After all, who could forget Eugena’s Playboy cover?

Or McKey’s cover shoot for Vogue Knitting?

That’s why the ANTM girls get genuinely excited when they learn that they’ll be shooting a cover for Paper Magazine. “Only a superstar gets the cover of Paper,” Drew tells us. (Rita’s been on the cover twice, how hard it can be?)

Drew means what he says about superstars, though. And if you’re wondering, “The Top Model contestants aren’t superstars, so how come they get to be on the cover?” that’s because they actually won’t.

Drew, acting as if he hasn’t just got the girls’ hopes up, clarifies that for “the winner of America’s Next Top Model, this cover will be published and viewed by the world on PaperMag.com.”

The disappointment is pretty plain to see on the contestants’ faces and I can’t believe the editors don’t edit around it like they normally would.

That ain’t a cover, Drew. Call me old-fashioned, but a cover has to, well, COVER something. Otherwise it’s just another photo on a website.

It may be on the “world wide web,” but it’s not as if the world visits PaperMag.com. Unless there’s some new Kim Kardashian ass shots on their way, more people will definitely see these photos on this tv show than they will at that website.

Speaking of disappointments, Mickey Boardman is back to “help” out.

Still not a cover, Mickey! Mickey’s like the gay best friend you never wanted but keeps showing up anyway. In obscenely sparkly shirts, no less.

Courtney swears she’s going to do great at this shoot because beauty shots are her forté. Cody isn’t so convinced, though.

While the finished product is definitely intriguing, the exaggerated cheek indentations, strong eyebrows, and pouted lips read kinda Zoolander to me:  

CoryAnne’s “cover” gets a similar movie reference when Drew compares it to a Tim Burton character. There is something super Helena Bonham Carter about her here.

Drew also think she looks old. “Elderly” is a little cruel, but to be honest, when I look at CoryAnne, I tend to see 30 rather than 19.

Fortunately for CoryAnne, the other judges love her shot because they think she’s finally giving some “attitude,” which is the one thing that’s been missing from her modeling.

Hold up. The judges think CoryAnne doesn’t have enough attitude? They clearly need to see some footage from the house. Remember how she started the episode complaining that India is dull?

Oh, honey. If I had my window open during that scene, I bet I could have heard America collectively laughing at her for that. CoryAnne’s so boring that I had to take a nap just thinking about her.

Speaking of India, she wears a giant Koosh ball and is stunning per usual. Looking at the shot, though, before Law can even mention it, I said to myself, “Whoa, she really looks like Gigi Hadid there.”

Ashley doesn’t think that’s a problem because India can “make this work for [her.]” I’m not entirely sure how… unless India’s looking to get into the celebrity impersonation game. Like, she could definitely get paid five figures to shoot porn in a darkened room that would later get labeled “Gigi Hadid Leaked Sex Tape.”

Rita also isn’t too concerned about India’s Gigi-ness, explaining that when she started getting famous, everyone compared her look to other celebrities. That, or they were just so unfamiliar with Rita that they started guessing vaguely famous people’s names that they’ve heard mentioned before in the hopes that they might accidentally guess right.

No one has more trouble at the shoot than Tash. She wants to use her cover to “save the children.”

This results in a lot of awkward hand posing, which Drew repeatedly discourages her from doing to no avail.

He reminds her that they just want her to be herself, but that’s a difficult instruction for someone who doesn’t think of herself as a “herself” but as a twin.

Tash’s photo is clearly the worst. Law is the only judge to attempt to compliment the photo and he totally bungles it up in a way that would seem pretty damn racist if it weren’t coming from a fellow black person.

Strike that, I still think it’s racist. 

Moving on, Ashley says one of her challenges in the modeling industry was learning to restrain her poses and just be natural.

Ah, so THAT’S why Rita was asked to be on the panel. She may not be a model, but she sure knows how to stand there.

You know who else is good at doing nothing? This week’s best photo winner Cody. She just goes on set, looks straight into the camera, and the judges love it. I mean, it’s no National Geographic cover, but I suppose Paper Magazine would be honored to put it on its cover website.

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 11


EVERYONE PLEASE WATCH THIS ARTIST. Tash Sultana is my new obsession because of how talented and unique she is. I 10/10 recommend you watch this whole video (and the guitar solo near the end of the first song). SHE IS SO DAMN TALENTED I CAN’T. Plus she gay @ all you little homos;)

2. Filling the Tyra Void

The question we kept asking ourselves coming into this cycle was, “What does a post-Tyra Banks Top Model look like?”

It’s probably too soon to say anything conclusively, but man was it jarring the way we were introduced to the model house. Where were the Tyra photographs, Tyra curtains, and Tyra catchphrases slathered on the walls? We didn’t even get a proper tour (i.e. girls running around screaming about how great their pad is) of the place!

Is this a conscious effort to be less tacky, or did they hire the new panel so last minute that they didn’t get a chance to make pillows with Rita’s face on them? It just doesn’t feel like home without narcissistic decor.

Also, there’s no more TyraMail. Now the message from the host is known as a “RitAlert,” which is a probably a better name than my suggestion: Ora-spondence. Despite what the name would indicate, there’s nothing urgent about a low-quality, low-energy video selfie filmed from a cellphone. I wonder if the models’ literacy skills are so questionable that they had to ditch having the girls take turns reading text off a screen.

While there are some minor format differences, thus far I’m pleasantly surprised at the subtle Tyra touches Rita possesses. We discussed last week how when Rita heard a sob story, she had to one-up it with one of her own. Apparently, interrupting other people’s back stories with personal details from her own life is a pattern for Tyra Rita.

For example, at panel, Rita asks if Cody grew up living in the shadow of her twin, Tash. Cody cries and nods affirmatively. Rita boasts that she could read the twins’ body language to determine that proclamation, even though you can totally see her reading off some producers’ notes on the table. I appreciate that she’s trying to stunt like she’s Miss Cleo or something.

I’d be interested in hearing how Cody got relegated to beta twin, but we don’t have time for that story because Rita wants to inform everyone that she grew up in the shadow of her older sister, too. At the risk of pulling a Miss Cleo myself, I’d guess that’s why Rita is such an attention whore as an adult. (An attention whore who I like so far, mind you, but an attention whore nonetheless.)

The best part of this scene is that Law wants to cap off the discussion with an emotional moment by asking Tash to hug her sister. Tash doesn’t budge initially so he commands her a second time to give the hug. The judges talk about how beautiful the hug is despite that they literally forced them to do it.

“Cody, this is the time for you,” Rita says. Not long after, she awards Cody “best photo” to complete the storyline even though - REAL TALK - Tash has a much better photo. But it’s not about who actually has the better photo, it’s about Rita sticking it to her bitch older sister who hogged too much of their parents’ love.

In addition to injecting herself into the winner’s story, Rita manages to make the loser’s story about her, too. Like many a Top Model girl, Justine said she had a difficult childhood, which is evident from these family photos of her family strangling each other and making Justine wear a basket on her head.

Rita can’t get over how young 18-year-old Justine is. (That’s another difference between Rita and Tyra. Rita acts like 18 is a distant memory to her despite being in her mid-20s while Tyra would imply that 18 was, like, yesterday.) Though it’s barely relevant, Rita says:

Such humble beginnings! Can you believe THEE Rita Ora ever had to work at a mall? (Yes.) When Rita eliminates Justine a little later, Justine is so overcome with crying hysteria that she drops to the ground. Rita comforts Justine by once again talking about herself.

Yeah, we heard you the first time. The point Rita is trying to make is that Justine is so young, she still has time to improve her modeling skills. Whatever. Real models get their starts much younger than eighteen; Justine is already behind the curve!

Let’s not even talk about how a bunch of the girls on this cycle are older than Rita. What hope do they have starting a modeling career now?

That’s why telling 27-year-old Cody that this is her time is pretty disingenuous if she thinks a modeling career awaits her. Selling sneakers is respectable, Rita. Selling bogus dreams borders on cruel.  

4 Funniest Moments from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 2

Narnia Theories: The Origins of Tash the Inexorable

So guys, here’s my first theory analysis for the Chronicles of Narnia!

So, the other day, a buddy and I were on a relatively long drive from his house to mine, and we ended up discussing Narnia theories. One of the questions that came up during the conversation was “Where did evil come from?” Now obviously anyone who has read the books will immediately and correctly respond that the first evil to enter Narnia was the former ruler/destroyer of the nation Charn, Jadis, better known as the White Witch. She came in during Narnia’s creation, and lingered for around 900 years before finally setting off the Hundred Years Winter. However, though Jadis is the most powerful and well known force of evil in the series, she is not the only one. Specifically, we were thinking about Tash, the four armed, vulture headed god of the Calormen nation. It’s made fairly obvious in The Last Battle that he is a real entity with real power, so where the heck does something that evil and powerful come from? It certainly wasn’t created along with the rest of the Narnian inhabitants in The Magician’s Nephew. Was it a corrupted minor god originally created by Aslan? Or is there more to his origin than meets the eye?

I decided to do a little research, as I had a few suspicions. The first place I decided to look was for the first time he was mentioned in the books, to try and pinpoint when and where he was first sighted in Narnia. The Horse and His Boy contains the earliest canon reference to Tash, and by the narrative, seems to be an integral part of the Calormen culture. According to an official Narnian timeline, the Country of Calormen was founded in 204 Narnian Time by Archenlander exiles, roughly 200 years after Narnia’s creation. We can assume that Tash began to be worshiped somewhere within a generation after that, putting the first encounter with Tash somewhere between 210 N.T. and 260 N.T. This makes Tash pretty old.

The next thing I checked out was the appearance and description of Tash, to see if I could detect any similarities. Here’s what I found:

First, take a look at these two photos, the only depictions we have of Tash for the entirety of the series:

So, first thing I want you guys to look at is the clothing (however little there is). First thing you might notice is that is is very distinctly NOT Calormen. For comparison, These two images:

The Calormenes have a very Arabian or Persian feel to them, reflecting the desert based culture. Tash’s clothing is much more reminiscent of a mix of Babylonian and Incan styles. So what gives? Well, as I did some more digging, I remembered these:

The Royals of Charn. These are uncannily similar in style to Tash’s appearance, and have a very Babylonian feel to them. For example, the two royals on the left have crowns incredibly similar to the Sumerian style of crown seen in Babylonian carvings.

This is when the pieces of the puzzle began to come together. However, this isn’t even the best part. I continued to look through the pictures of Charn from MN, and came across this photo:

This caught my eye originally due to the giant bird statue on the fountain, but then my eyes drifted to the gate carvings and their distinctly Incan/Mayan style. See it? It’s the carving directly to the left of the statue’s claw. Now see it? No? Well here, I did a side by side comparison.

LOOK AT THAT. LOOK. IT’S FRIGGIN TASH. The similarities are mindblowing, down to the tongue, the feathered crest, the curly forehead bit, etc.

This is all the proof I think we need to deduce that Tash is not a native of Narnia, but of the dead world Charn. He was likely drawn into this realm by the sorcery of Jadis, who probably was looking for a way to combat the power of Aslan with the demonic abilities of one of her realm’s denizens. The timeline even matches up, with Jadis in exile and looking for ways to supplant Narnia.


Anyone else have anything to say? Feel free to let me know if there’s anything I should add, or if you have any points you’d like to make regarding this particular theory.