Tao-Lin

‘Ryan Gosling’

I am becoming increasingly hostile and unsympathetic
social interaction makes me tired and irritated
I have alienated myself
I don’t have meaningful relationships
I don’t have romantic relationships
I read a lot of depressing books
I like being alone
I am a bland person
I am an afterthought
I am a bag of unsalted pretzels
I don’t know
I am constantly reaching toward some nebulous goal
I am not a mean person
I am not a bad person
I am only okay

—  Mira Gonzalez, from her book ‘i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together’
"I know at all times that in four hours I will feel completely different," Tao Lin

when you kill yourself
the universe learns how to console you
nothing i type is true; for example
i am going to go outside
and meet interesting people
actually i will never meet an interesting person
if you ask me what happens to me i will tell you
that after coffee my brain is harder and shinier
my face is less worried and my eyes move faster
if you ask me what happens to sad people i will tell you
that pieces of water move from the inside of their heads to the outside
and then i think the water evaporates
when my brain thinks it makes squishy noises
not all brains are like this
i like to point my worried face at different areas
of the physical world, and this is a mischievous thing
my face is at the front of my head
do you believe i am a good person?
i am going to go away for two hours
when i return i will accurately predict the actions of everyone i know
for the next three weeks, because that’s how i am: industrious,
severely disillusioned
pass me the organic sesame seed salt substitute
industrious people who are severely disillusioned enjoy squishy noises
more than the average person
i laugh at the average person
i don’t know why i do that
i will never squish a human brain with my hands
with both my hands, looking down at the brain inside the skull
i don’t care if that isn’t true
i have bought and sold over three hundred things on ebay
ebay is incredible
three word sentences console me
and this is a dangerous thing
the most dangerous weapon in the universe is the sphere-shaped knife
let me explain about the sphere-shaped knife
the insanity of the sphere-shaped knife
i am going to sleep now
i am going to turn off the light

loneliness is just a word that means you are feeling alone and depressed and starting to think about how difficult and strangely impossible it is for you to be interested in the same people who are interested in you and how if you don’t change your worldview and personality soon then you will probably always feel alone and depressed because you can’t remember a time when you haven’t felt alone and depressed but really you can and that is when you were a small child but that small child seems like a different person, really, than you who you are right now and you can’t become a different person anymore because you are over twenty years old and peoples this age don’t change unless they fall off a barn and get a long metal rod through their brain
—  Tao Lin, i saw you on the street
He wanted to hide by shrinking past zero, through the dot at the end of himself, to a negative size, into an otherworld, where he would find a place— in an enormous city, too large to know itself, or some slowly developing suburb— to be alone and carefully build a life in which he might be able to begin, at some point, to think about what to do about himself.
—  Tao Lin 
There was an enjoyment to being alive, he felt, that because of an underlying meaninglessness–like how a person alone for too long cannot feel comfortable when with others; cannot neglect that underlying the feeling of belongingness is the certainty, really, of loneliness, and nothingness, and so experiences life in that hurried, worthless way one experiences a mistake–he could no longer get at.
—  Tao Lin, Eeeee Eee Eeee

on the internet you say you hate people
i say that i hate people a lot more than you do

we are at a restaurant
everyone is talking
i feel sad and frustrated
because that is how i feel when i am around people
i hear you say that you hate people
i say that i hate people way more than you hate people

in the train station you are talking
i move very close to you
i hug you a little while you are telling me something
you laugh and twist away and take my banana and throw it in the trash

on the train i put on sunglasses
i say i wear sunglasses all the time now
you ask why
i say so people can’t see the weakness in my eyes

it is the next night and four in the morning

—  Tao Lin, you are a little bit happier than i am