Taf

Je me suis blessée au boulot, mais rien de grave. Sauf que ceux qui m’ont vue et sont venus m’aider non pas arrêter de me répéter que j’ai eu énormément de chance car j’aurais pu avoir bien pire.

Quand c’est sur le moment, je comprend qu’on me le répète dix fois.

Mais pas toute la journée!

Du coup, j’ai joué à cache-cache le reste de la journée avec mes collègues et vous imaginez pas à quel point c’est dur! PIRE, maintenant qu’ils me connaissent, ils savent d’avance que je suis discrète et donc…
LEURS YEUX SONT PARTOUT.

You know, the biggest problem with Aspergers, is that to 98% of neuro typicals you are not “autistic enough.”
And the second biggest problem with Aspergers, is that they are right.

Unlike high spectrum autism, when you reach your calmest point, you can start learning about your divergence and acting on it. You know what you are doing. You know that you have insulted someone, or hurt someone, or that what you did was wrong, you Know.

And that sucks. Because you will never be able to change it.

You can learn to spot the warning signs, you can learn to remove yourself from a situation, but you will never rewire the connections in your brain, so if you miss that trigger? You’ve got nothing.
But you also start to notice how the people around you act, how they treat you slightly differently, how they never really expect much from you…and occasionally, you start to try and prove yourself, prove that you are good enough, both to yourself, and to them…but it never works out, you just make yourself look worse. And your view of your self worth hits bottom and starts digging.

I am somewhere in the middle of the Aspergers spectrum, and my emotions are linked directly to my motor neurons. If I am happy, or excited, or just have lots of energy, I will hand flap, or bounce up and down, or swing my arms, I stim with my fingers, or my toes, I will hug you at the slightest provocation, or hold your hand, or rub my head against you like some kind of humanoid cat, and if you sit down at the wrong time? best believe I will curl up in your lap. But equally, when I am sad, or angry, or hurt, my first instinct is to be physical, to lash out, to hit things or throw things, or make something make loud noises, to just move! And learning to control these instincts is the hardest part of trying to fit in.

Unless I have lost my hard earned self control, I will not lash out when I am angry, because I remember what it is like to be hit just because you made a mistake, or you made the wrong person angry, and it sucks. But I always always Always have this need to prove to you that I CAN hit you, that I CAN win, that I CAN make you regret hurting me in the first place…

And that makes me sick.

So I release the tension by crying. At everything…all the time…and that sucks too. Because people think you are pathetic, when they have no idea how much strength it took to build that reflex stronger than the one before it.

And then sometimes you fail. Sometimes you miss the trigger, or you get too excited, and someone gets hurt. Sometimes people yell at you, and tell you that you are not good enough, and sometimes you even tell yourself that…even though you tried your best, and you feel awful…

But it doesn’t matter.

But you can’t explain what happened, because you are not autistic enough. And you wouldn’t use your divergence to justify it anyway.

So when you get punched in the head, and then threatened, and you manage to be polite, and calm, and not cry, on the day before the exam you have been working the last 3 months toward, after messing up almost everything you will have to do on the day, you should be proud of yourself, right?

Wrong.

Because bad energy does not dissipate nearly as quickly as good energy.

Durant les pauses quand y a pas mal de monde dans les corridors et que certains se permette de te toucher ou de se frotter en se frayant un chemin.

Originally posted by jeunetrentenaire

Puis eux quand j’ai aussi “accidentellement” donner un coup de pieds dans le tibia avec mes chaussures renforcées.

Bizarrement après ça, ils ont plus poser la moindre mimine sur moi!