A/N: padfootdidit HAPPY BIRTHDAY RHIANNON I LOVE YOU V MUCH AND IM SO SORRY THIS ISN’T BETTER BUT I HAVE AN ACCOUNTING EXAM THAT I MUST STUDY FOR BUT I LOVE YOU WIFE HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAE
He is their favourite teacher. He knows it. Mr Potter, with
his loud laugh and lazy stroll. He lets you eat in class. He doesn’t care if
you accidentally mix up a name on your chart. The stars are not here for humans to map them he will say. Mr
Potter will give you a break on that assignment. Mr Potter won’t give out detentions.
Mr Potter will laugh and your jokes and make his own. Mr Potter is the best,
the ultimate, the dream teacher. Mr Potter loves his students and his job.
And Mr Potter knows that this is wrong.
That’s the worst part, is that he knows. He’s not stupid and nether is she, they just can’t help
themselves. He sort of aches for her, and if Sirius heard him say that he would
laugh. Then again if Sirius heard he was fucking a student he would shut up
He can’t stop looking at her during class. The way she taps
her fingers on the desk, the tendrils of hair that fall from her ponytail and
the ink on her left ring finger. He just can’t help himself. Students have to
shove their star charts right under his nose before he even registers they are
there. Mr Potter they say Mr Potter are you alright?
Mr Potter? She
says, looking up. Yes, Miss Evans you
say back. I don’t think I’ve got my
telescope in the right position and she isn’t looking at him, just fiddling
with the stand. They both know she’s fixed it perfectly, that she always does,
but he goes over anyway. Its madness, insanity, but he will stand here and
‘adjust’ her telescope for fifteen minutes just to feel her legs against his
This is wrong he
had said the third night she came into his room. This is going to stop he had said. He had really meant it to,
really thought that that was going to be the last night, like he had any
control over it.
Yes she had said.
And then they were in his bed and he didn’t know how they got there.
Some days they just don’t leave. On weekends when it’s
raining and he has food they will just lock the door. They play gobstones and
she loses because she’s terrible so they just end up throwing them at each
other. She tries to show him how to play the muggle game ’go fish’ and he gets
so many paper cuts it’s unbelievable. She doodles on his arms with ink and
smiles slightly while he talks.
When teachers and students ask him who drew the stags on his
arms his stomach falls out, because what if someone realises. What if a kid from her Defence class remembers her
Patronus and puts it together? What if someone sees the PRONGS EATS that Sirius
had written on his telescope bag and gets suspicious? What if a teacher has
been watching her sneak in at night? What if someone has seen?
He goes home and scrubs his arms until they are raw.
Often he cannot believe what he is doing. He will be sitting
in class, and then be bowled over by the fact that he is sleeping with the girl in second row of his seventh year
astronomy class what the fuck is he
Lily we can’t keep
doing this he pulls her from class and keeps holding her wrist as they
stand in the corridor. Lily this is my
job, Lily I can’t lose my job he is almost begging her to do something
because he can’t, he is not strong enough.
James its fine she
is holding his face in her hands. James, she
is looking straight into his eye. James
it will be okay. It will.
He lets her hug him right there and when she comes over that
night they just sit on the couch. She eats Honeydukes Finest that he’s been
saving for his forth years and leans against his chest. She talks about her
sister and her fucking pompous arse of a boyfriend while she stains her couch
with chocolate stains. He fiddles with her fingers and tells her about the time
he and Sirius painted a rainbow on the Hogwarts front door and told everyone
McGonagall cried when she saw it because it was so good. Surely it cannot be
bad when it is like this. Surely they are not making a mistake.
Often he imagines telling seventeen year old him what
twenty-three year old him is doing now. Seventeen year old him would probably laugh,
smug little shit, because there would be no way he would even think about doing
what he’s doing now. Seventeen year old little shit James Potter would think
that it is all some joke, because who cared about girls compared to stars?
Stars were magic. Stars were stars. Seventeen
year old smug little shit James Potter would give up girls and sex and everything for the stars. Being able to
teach about stars? What more could anyone want?
Seventeen year old smug little shit James Potter didn’t understand how
people could sleep at night when they could be looking up at stars. Seventeen year
old smug little shit James Potter didn’t understand how any human could
Twenty-three year old James Potter rather wants to punch
Seventeen year old James Potter for being such a judgemental prick, if he’s
She’s sitting on his table and swinging her legs after
class, Lily someone will see he says
and her name is a sparkler in his mouth. His teeth are on fire and it is delicious.
Fuck that she says and pulls his tie
off, wrapping it around her own porcelain neck and striking a pose Do I look fabulous she asks. Always he says back and kisses her
before he can change his mind.
She keeps shoes in his closet. Her stockings are still under
his bed. The Herbology book she left is still on his night stand. When he’s
doing his teeth in the bathroom he thinks of her and cannot stop smiling,
getting white foam all over the sink. Shit. How
did he let this happen?
I’m sleeping with a
student he blurts out to Remus when they’re sitting in the deserted bar
waiting for the others. Remus’s eyebrows shoot up so fast it’s a wonder they’re
still attached to his head. What, James? He
splutters, spilling beer down his front, You’re
I’m kidding he
says, thumping Remus on the back, I’m kidding
mate, I’m not really. Half of Remus’s beer is on his front, Thank Merlin Moony says, relieved and whipping
his front, shit James if you had, that
would have been… he takes a sip of his almost empty drink, bad he finishes.
Yeah he laughs
with him. Yeah it would have been Moony. He
gets up and goes to the bathroom, then throws up in the toilet. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and he can’t
stop thinking about Lily standing the headmasters office getting expelled and
not finishing school and him packing his bags and leaving his astronomy tower
and the job he had dreamed of having since he was ten and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what is h a p p e n i n g this has to s t o p.
But that night she comes over and she is crying. Her sister
is not inviting her to her wedding. She will have to stay at home while her
sister gets married. She is sobbing into his neck and he is holding her up. Lily it’s okay he whispers into her hair
Lily when your sister gets married we
will break into the wedding and eat all the cake. Lily when we break into the
wedding we will skip down the aisle in front of them and make them mad. Lily
when we break into the wedding you and I will take up all the room on the dance
floor and when we leave we will steal all their presents. She is laughing a
little now, and his stomach is loosening and he cannot give this up he just can’t because that laugh is hitting his
nerves like an electric shock and suddenly he is all lit up like an neon sign
in a muggle city.
She keeps biting her lip in class, chewing on it like a toffee
and he has to ask her to stop because whenever she does it makes his knees give
out a little. She laughs at this and bares her teeth at him. I am your weakness she trills, prancing round
the classroom at two a.m. in her bra, I am
the great James Potter’s weakness. I have conquered him she is laughing and
he is laughing and then he is kissing across her collar bone and the freckles
on her knees are touching his own and turning his bones fuchsia.
He doesn’t not know who tells. Maybe it was Professor Marcy,
who had the room next to his and was confused at why he was always talking to
himself at night. Maybe it was Annabel Zhang, who always seemed overly
interested in why he was always so tired. Maybe it was Elliot Nash, who caught
him doodling her initials onto scrap paper and didn’t believe his lie. Maybe it
was himself. Maybe he just blurted it out one day in the staff room because it
was burning his core. All he knows is that he is sitting in the headmaster’s office
and the man who smiled when he hired him is now looking at him with disgust.
How could you do this,
James he is asking, you are throwing
everything away on a seventeen year old girl. Why? And he is sitting there,
fully ready to deny deny deny and say the of
course not’s and he would never’s that are sitting on his
tongue and then he realises he can’t. He cannot do it. He cannot say that she
means nothing because that wold be like cutting off his ankles. Seventeen year
old James Potter thought that stars meant everything because he had never met
Lily Evans. Twenty-three year old James Potter would give up the stars, the
sky, his telescope, the sword of Gryffindor, teaching, the world, and the sun.
He would give up universes for her. For
freckled knees and stealing her sister’s wedding presents.
Fuck everything he
says, standing up. I want something more.
(They buy the house six months later. It is small with a
yellow roof and Lily paints all the walls green and red with paint she found
for free outside someone’s house. James hangs posters on the roof and exhausts
himself trying to move in the fridge while Lily laughs and flicks paint on his
face. At night they eat Honeydukes Finest sitting on the ground and taking turns
to look through the telescope. Lily looks at the stars. James looks at her. Because look. Look how brightly she shines)