THE-ONE-TIME

Did I ever tell yall about the time i accidently ruined my high school bff’s, Mika’s childhood.

See, one day Mika shows up and says “Guys, it’s my parent’s 18th wedding anniversary.” I looked at our mutual bff.

We squinted at each other before I turned and said “That’s physically impossible.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were born in July. And you’ll be 18. It’s March. Unless you were born like 5 months premature; that’s physically impossible.” (I should note her parents are hardcore Christians. The kind that are all about abstinence and in church whenever there’s a service.)

“Oh…” Mika said. “Welp, I’ll have to ask them.”

We were all a little puzzled. But subject dropped like a mofo. We went on with our day, and tbh, i totally forgot the conversation even happened.

The next day she shows up to school and is she is gaping at us, drops her bag at her feet and says. “YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD ME!”

“Huh?” I had already forgotten and just presumed she would have forgotten too.

“You know how you said it was physically impossible for it to have been my parents 18th anniversary?”

“Yeah?”

“Welp, you were right! It was a shotgun wedding!”

“WHAAAAAA?”

“YES! My grandmother betrothed my mother to another woman’s son. She ‘promised’ her hand in marriage to someone else.”

And Lila, our mutual bff is like. “Wait, BETROTHAL? It was the 20th century!! BETROTHAL ISN’T A THING!!”

And Mika’s like. “I KNOW, but nana did it! Welp, she met my dad and fell madly in love with this much older man.”

“Wha? Your dad isn’t–”

“You don’t know? My dad’s 20 years older than my mom.” At this point Lila and I are clutching our chests and holding onto our seats in disbelief.

“WHHHAT?”

“Yeah, sorry forgot to mention that. LOL. Well, anyway, btw, mom was totally legal. Had just graduated high school and they fell head over heals in love. But nana wouldn’t have it. She’d already promised her hand in marriage, and that was that. So she sent her off to college and forbade her from calling or writing him and or any of her friends and only a select few people knew she was at college.”

“She thought she was doomed. But he found out anyway. He stole onto campus, tracked her down and said. ‘If you’re serious about this. As serious as I am about this. There’s only one way to do this. You have to get pregnant. If you’re pregnant we’ll have to get married.”

And she all for it. ”Let’s get pregnant. Mother can’t keep us away from each other then.” At this point Lila and I are rolling on the floor in disbelief. This has upended our entire belief system. THERE IS NO WAY THAT THE BIGGEST MOST CHRISTIAN COUPLE TO HAVE EVER EXISTED PLOTTED AND SCHEMED TO GET MARRIED. We’re moaning and wheezing “wHAAT??” and “nooOOOOOO” and rolling around in disbelief.

And Mika is like “I KNOOOOOOOOWWW”

After we calmed down I was like. “I AM SO FUCKING SORRY!! THEY PROLLY NEVER INTENDED FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!! I’VE RUINED IT. I FUCKED UP! I FUCKED UP!”

But she was totally okay with it. Her parents were happy, married 18 years. 3 kids. They said it was bound to come to like eventually.

All that… because I just HAD to point out the obvious.

I have been tagged on numerous occasions to do 6 things about myself, and so as not to let everyone down, here are 6 facts. 

  1. My first word was ‘door’, and honestly I think that’s still my greatest contribution to the world. I peaked early.
  2. I have a deviated septum. It’s super fun.
  3. I was not alone in the womb. I shared a uterine dwelling for seven and a half months with this pleb. When we were kids, she used to tie my shoelaces for me and make sure that I didn’t leave the house without my underwear (because that was the sort of thing that I did as a child).
  4. My mum declined the school’s offer to move me up a year in school because although I was academically ahead of everyone else, I was still the kind of kid who occasionally turned up to school without pants, and she felt it was best that I stayed with kids who were on the same social level as me, not necessarily academically. I am very thankful to her for this decision!
  5. I used to be deathly afraid of dogs, until I went to France as a kid and became best friends with a farm dog. Now I am appreciative of the doge as an entity.
  6. The only countries I’ve ever visited are England, Scotland, Ireland, Northern Ireland, France, Belgium, Germany and Switzerland. I would dearly love to go elsewhere, but money.

I am not going to tag anyone, because I genuinely want to hear facts about as many people as possible, so I think that you should all just tell me some stuff about your rad selves. 

I want back to the x factor days
I want them to interact again
I want them to sit next to each other
I want them to stare at each other again like there’s no one else there
I want the Paris interview
I want Wellington again, even if it’s recorded with a fucking potato
I just wish I could get that feeling back when I saw a new picture or gif or video of them nearly kissing
I just miss it so much