Checking In

I went on a date last night and it was fun but I don’t think there will be a second. We ate hotdogs and drank $2 PBR’s and that made me happy. You can ask the bartender, he will vouch for me because I never shut up about how cheap it was. You have one dollar bills and pennies and that’s silly. It cost me $60 Canadian to buy $43 American dollars. I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. I’ve lost 25 pounds since November. I took my first calls yesterday from angry customers looking for money that for the most part, they won’t receive. I laughed with some of them and got yelled at by others and hung up on by one. Beachy sent me a book about running and knowing she loves and is thinking about me makes my heart squeezy. I am going to go to the gym tonight and maybe do a C25K run. I did intervals on Sunday night and it was awesome and made me feel strong and healthy and I need more of that, so much of that. 

Also, She sent me my mail from Halifax and in it she included a very short hand-written note that maybe was intended to be kind or charming or something but made me feel like I got punched in the stomach and I have been thinking about it for three days. 

I feel unwell. I need to try harder to be a person. I need a cry-in-bed day. I need my humans next to me touching my skin and playing with my hair and being jerks but in a way that I know means they love me and want the pieces of my heart back together. 

I’ve been saying for awhile that my insecurities in poly *don’t* come from jealousy of another person. I’ve been pretty certain of that. I get insecure in relationships because I don’t know where I stand, not because someone else is getting time and treatment I’m not getting.

Idk, maybe I’ve been wrong about that. Not in a big way, but some? At least some? I’m… okay I’m a little jealous of crdg.

I’ve spent the whole fucking weekend with adg and crdg and their housemates and dude I like everyone here they’re so cool. They like me and want me here and didn’t have a problem with me showing up and crashing for an entire weekend including Sunday night like. This is awesome.

But some of the ways that adg and crdg interact is hard for me to watch. Sometimes it’s cute, and that’s the compersion winning out, which I am grateful for. And even when it hurts a little, it’s cute. It’s nice for them. But I see things I want. Casual intimacy and intentional intimacy and idk the d/s elements they’ve worked out. I just want it so bad, and a little part of my brain has a little bit of resentment. I don’t like that, but I can work on it. And I can make sure it doesn’t overtly affect my behavior.