I’m so ace you don’t understand I just realized yesterday that “make love, not war” is referring to having sex. Like. I have been on this planet almost two decades and not once realized this. I always thought it meant just straight up loving one another? Bringing peace? Fostering an environment for happiness and love? I can’t believe I didn’t realize. I’m too ace for this (not so?) subtle euphemism. Happy asexual awareness week to me

Omg! So there was this kid (probably 6-8 years old) that came into McDonalds and he had a beaded bracelet and I noticed it was very colourful and I saw the word “LOV∃” on it. I thought it was very cute so I said to the kid
“oh, I love your bracelet, where did you get it?”
He got super excited and said “Thank you! I made it myself”
He spun it around a bit and I realized it said more than just “love” so I asked him what it said
“All love is good love!”
I wasn’t sure if he meant platonic vs romantic etc or straight vs gay etc. since he’s just a kid. So I asked “Oh yeah? What kinds of love are there?”
“Um…When a girl loves a boy…that’s good love. When a boy loves a girl….that’s good love. When a boy loves a boy…that’s still good love. And when a girl loves a girl….that’s good love too.”
“So when I love someone is that good love?”
“Yes it is! Who do you love?”
“A girl named Hannah, she’s my girlfriend”
“Are you gonna get married?”
“I hope so”
“I hope so too! Are you both going to wear dresses?”
“I’m not sure, why?”
“I think girls look extra beautiful in dresses”
“Me too”
There was a moment of silence when he was just super happy and smiley and he didn’t say anything so I asked.
“What made you wanna make that bracelet?”
“My parents said boys kissing boys is bad but I think it’s good so I made the bracelet to say it’s good. And my friend said that rainbows are gay so I did all the rainbow colours.”
“Your parents and your friend are silly, huh?”
“Yeah they are…it’s ok I’ll teach them!”
“Be careful when you do, ok? I hope it goes well!”
“Thank you! I hope you and your girlfriend have good love forever!”
“Thank you!”
And he went off to the playplace to go have fun.

Ancient history can be oddly amusing at times

Once, in high school, I read an excerpt from an account by a Roman soldier of an unsuccessful attempt to take over part of Ireland or pre-Roman-influence Britain. He was talking about how he had been fighting a Celt man and had nearly beaten him.

Except he hadn’t counted on one thing.

The Celt was married.

Apparently, over the hill in high dudgeon came a giant of a woman with her whole body painted red. She stormed over to the Celt and the Roman like “Hey, who do you think you are, picking on my smol husband? Back off!”

And from what I remember reading, she knocked the Roman down, picked up her husband under one arm, and marched off.
Presumably, the Roman wasn’t too much the worse for wear, as he had to have survived long enough to write his “Celt women are terrifying” report.

Okay so one time in 7th grade at the very end of the year my home room teacher was moving classrooms and our English teacher was moving into the old one so we had a bunch of cardboard boxes left empty and so kids were just hanging out under them like hermit crabs and then we decided to take a picture and everybody got into a cardboard box and I was a pretty tiny kid so after we took the picture I tried to close the box and I FIT PERFECTLY INSIDE so the kids in my class and I thought it would be funny to prank a teacher by taking the box with me in it to a teacher and they told our teacher about it and he just said “Okay, which teacher do you want to go to?” And everybody decided to take me to our English teacher. Her current classroom was on the other side of the school. My home room teacher chose five people to escort me and my box on a spinning office chair down an elevator, across four hallways, and up a flight of stairs to our English room. They were giggling the whole way there and when we got there I hear them tell her the box was for her, she asked what was in it and then she opened the box and we stared at each other for five seconds before I croak out “hi”. She closes the box and I hear muffled yelling. I get out of the box and her home room is staring at me like I just came out of narnia and my classmates are laughing and I just walk away and that is the story of when I became a box.

A POT introduced me to his family...

 Soooo gather round the campfire, children, I have a terrible tale to tell and I’m sure there’s a moral at the end somewhere.

In two weeks I’m leaving the country. I was going to do a separate life update post but now this happened and the story kind of overshadows the update.

So because I’m cutting all ties to my life here, I’m down to like a couple of POTs that will still talk to me after I kind of fucked them all over. The one that was any kind of steady income was Nice Guy.

I’m calling him that because he legitimately was a NICE fucking guy. I met him off of WYP, as it’s the only site I still use and he was kind of creepy/ugly when I met him and really socially awkward. I could tell why he needed to be on WYP, basically. We went on three dates whilst I was still in the city and then he actually drove to my area (or what he thought was my area bc I never give my real address) to have a date with me here.

I could just hit Nice Guy up and be like ‘can you send me XXX amount please’ and I was careful not to make the amounts too high- he got really upset if he couldn’t pay. One time I asked him for just £200 and he called me up crying actual tears like ‘I just don’t have it right now, but I really like you’. I knew he could actually afford it as he had a great job, but being the big softie I am I felt really bad for him so I told him not to worry about it and that we could go out casually and talk if he needed to. We didn’t have sex, but we had ‘heated’ Skype calls shall we say. He never pestered me for sex, but I had no intention of giving it to him- especially as I was leaving the country so soon and didn’t need his money. (By the way, I never told him I was leaving).

So, I’m in London for the last time til I leave, staying with my friend, I tell him I’m in the area and he’s like: “Do you want to go to the Savoy?” And my Achilles heel consists of five star London hotels and tiny cucumber sandwiches, so I said yes. You can probably already see where this is going.

So, I put a nice dress on, beat my face, mentally prepare myself for a few hours of his company, and head off to the Savoy. I met him at Victoria and we walked down together, just talking and catching up and EVERYTHING SEEMED ALL FINE AND DANDY. THEN!!

We go in, put up our coats, and I say: “Do you want to go up to the bar first?” It was lunchtime and I was ready for my lunchtime Dom Perignon (just kidding, I’m a basic Sauvignon bitch). And he was like: “We already have a table.” Now. When he said ‘we’, children, what I THOUGHT he meant was ‘you and me’ and what in fact he meant, as I learned thirty seconds later, was him and a bunch of people I’d never seen before in my life.

We walked down into the centre of the room and there was a table next to the piano with about six people sitting around it. I was looking around as he was walking towards it because of course, that couldn’t be our table.

He stopped me in front of the table and just said: “This is makeitrainsugar.” (Not giving you my hoe name) and I was like

Originally posted by realitytvgifs

WHAT DO THINK YOU’RE DOING???? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???

 I was giving him ‘this is not okay’ looks the whole time but he just fucking wouldn’t look at my face. I perched next to this lady who said: “I’m Nice Guy’s stepmother.” I shook her hand, trying to think of ways to leave without making a scene.

 The other two guys around the table were Nice Guy’s brothers and there was one lady who was his sister and the other two women were the wives of the brothers, but they were just like a fucking blur to me as I sat there. I was just sitting there as the tea came, wondering what I had done to deserve this.

 Nice Guy’s brother was like: “So I heard you met on a website.” And Nice Guy was quickly like, “Yeah, yeah, we did.” And I’m just glaring at him like yeah and it was WYP not fucking match dot com this is not part of the deal.

 The WHOLE ENTIRE MEAL they were ragging on Nice Guy like ‘when are you going to get a better job?’, ‘why don’t you move to a nicer apartment?’ and Nice Guy was just nodding and trying to joke and it was just sad like I can see why he’s so self-deprecating all the time. Not that that’s an excuse to ambush me.

 His brother was like ‘your girlfriend’s too pretty for you.’ Then he looked me In The Eye and said “you need a real man.”

 WHAT I NEED IS A TAXI AND AN ASPRIN THANKS ANYWAY

 I was just laughing awkwardly the whole time and just regretting all past decisions as they talked about how much of a failure Nice Guy was. 

 And then, AND THEN, when the bill came they said they’d split it between all of us. No. No, I don’t split bills. I’m not out with my friends, I’m on a POT date.

 I looked at Nice Guy like ‘hello?’ but he was just avoiding my eyes so I said: “Sorry, I didn’t bring my purse. Honestly, I thought it would just be me and Nice Guy.” Like hint hint, dumbass.

 And Nice Guy STILL didn’t offer to pay, his brother, the real man one, was like: “I’ll get your end. You can pay me back.” With like the nastiest look on his face, like your girlfriend/wife is sitting literally next to you, asshole.

 I get up whilst the bill is being paid, because I’m at my limit, I went to the bathroom and I text him to tell me when his family is gone so we can talk.

 I wait for like ten minutes and he says they’re gone, I go out and Real Man brother, his wife and Nice Guy’s mother are still there, that lying sack of shit. So I straight up ask Nice Guy if I can talk to him for a minute and he has the audacity to look flustered like he didn’t already know that’s what I wanted.

 We walk up to the foyer and I say: “Is there something you want to explain?” And you know what this goddamn man says to me? He presses against my ear and says: “That was so fucking hot.”

 Like THAT’S what you have to say, you limp dicked fuck stain??? After putting me through this and all you can do is try and fetishize it?

 I said: “How exactly was that hot?” And he says: “I was thinking about fucking you the whole time.”

 I’m just staring at him, thinking that a douchebag ghost has possessed him because this was NOT his personality before.

 I simply said: “We’re done.” I couldn’t scratch his face because CCTV and security.  And I walked out and he didn’t even try to follow me. But he did call me an hour later, apologising, saying that it was his way of saying he loved me. Boy bye.

 Anyway, so I suppose I can add this to the long list of ‘experiences’ that I’ve had. The moral of the story is, no matter how nice a Nice Guy seems, if they’re on fucking WYP or any sugaring site. There is always. Something. Wrong. With. Them. Remember that, ladies.

My Father is a Smosher

Quickie introduction, since this post is not going to be about me, but for someone important in my life. My name is Kaitlyn, I’m 19 and a college sophomore, currently studying English.

Okay, now onto who this is truly about; my father.

My dad is one of the kindest men out there. He has a good heart and will not judge anyone. He’s the kind of person that once you start a conversation with, he would be your best friend in an instant. He’s a huge geek and was a huge lover of Dungeons and Dragons, Monty Python, Talisman, and some video games. He’s also a huge goofball and has a sick and twisted sense of humor which passed down to me. He’s a loving husband and treats my mother right as she treats him right, too. They are each other’s backbone, and even if they drive each other crazy sometimes, they will never be apart.

Unfortunately, a thing called life has not been good to my father and my family.

In 2015, my father was laid off from his job of 26 years because of financial issues the company was having. He was devastated as he loved working there. He started to feel a bit down, but was determined to get back on his feet. He started taking a part time job as a pizza delivery man, which isn’t much, but it made some money. Meanwhile, he went on countless interviews, and finally, in early 2016, things began to look up as he got a new job after being unemployed for about a year. That happiness was short lived, because after a few months, he was fired because the company didn’t believe he was working to “their standards.” Now, he’s back on the job market, looking for something while working part time delivering pizza and part time at retail while we struggle to keep up with the bills.

To help my father feel a bit better, I introduced him to YouTube, since a lot of YouTubers have helped me get through my darkest times. Particularly, I showed him Smosh because I knew he would get a lot of their jokes since he was a geek and had a weird sense of humor. There’s not one Smosh video where I didn’t see him smile and laugh. Not only has Smosh provided a distraction for all that is going on in our life, but it gave me and my father something to bond over. So far, his favorite videos are “Every Walking Dead Ever,” “Every Dog Ever,” and “Dixon Cider” (did I mention we are both immature?).

I recently emailed Prank It Fwd and Smosh.com and asked if there is a way I can surprise my father by meeting Ian and Anthony. I know that is huge wishful thinking, but I want something good to come for my father after all he has been through, and I don’t think anything would make him feel more better than meeting the men that helped him get distracted from everything and something that bought him and his daughter something special to share.

@smosh if you are reading this (and you might not be), I really hope you can make my father have a huge smile on his face again. Even if it is something like a video message personalized for him, I want him to finally have something good happen to him that he can remember for a long time.

Thank you to everyone who are reading this. Please spread the word so my mom and I can see my father’s real smile and laugh. 

youtube

This story is not exaggerated whatsoever. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you! Don’t mess with Ouija boards, kids.

So I work at a locally owned movie theater more or less on the shittier side of town and after working here for almost 2 years, some interesting things have gone down. Like:

  • A customer ordered popcorn by saying “Polly want a buttered popcorn.” in a parrot voice.
  • A guy “woofed” at me to get my attention. Like, actually barked. I thought it was a real dog. 
  • A woman clearly on drugs stole a customer’s phone and got high in the bathroom. 
  • The same customer ran out of the movie crying because she thought the lady had a bomb. 
  • The time a couple was caught fucking in the woman’s restroom. 
  • The owner threw a guy off his bike because him and his friends wouldn’t stop riding in front of the theater. 
  • Had one coworker sneak in alcohol to give to our underage doorman. 
  • Same coworker was fired for skimming from the register
  • A man named Jungle Jim bought a ticket but instead sat in the lobby and told me all about his RV he decorates with potted flowers and travels in. 
  • When the owner refused to put up a companies posters so the man told him that he hopes he dies of Alzheimers. 
  • Everytime I tell someone we aren’t open, they try to open the doors anyway. Every. Time. 
  • One of our doormans chased a coworker around the theater with a dead mouse. 
  • One of our friendliest regular customers comes in dressed as a vampire every single time. May or may not actually believe he is one. 
  • My friends and I were hanging out one day, there were four of us, and all of us sort into different Hogwarts houses, when we saw a spider
  • The Hufflepuff: Threw a shoe at it
  • The Gryffindor: Went to find something to smash it with
  • The Ravenclaw: Studied it closely and discovered it was a very good fake
  • The Slytherin: Was the one who had planted the friggin thing and was smirking quietly in the corner the whole friggin time