Sign Stereotypes

Aries- I’m so sporty and- *person accidentally knocks into them* WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR I HATE YOU *beats to a pulp* that’s better!

Taurus- *shoves food down throat* I’m right, you’re wrong. Now go get me some food, I’m too lazy to get up

Gemini- OMG I’m such a shit talking two faced bitch! 

Cancer- *cries in a pile of used tissues*

Leo- Tell me I’m beautiful because I know I am but tbh I have self esteem issues

Virgo- *swats away germs with gloved hand and Windex*

Libra- *flirts* *judges people* I’m pretty 

Scorpio- *stares at intensely* I am evil and mysterious. Wanna have sex? ;) 

Sagittarius- I can show you the wooorrrlllddd LETS PARTY

Capricorn- I must study so I can become a billionaire. Who needs emotions when you have money?

Aquarius- Would you like to hear my conspiracy about aliens? 

Pisces- *daydreaming* *is so distracted that they fall into a ditch* wait, what 

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
The signs as things my 50 y/o Chinese dad has done:
  • Aries: Spent an entire weekend marathoning Korean soap operas
  • Taurus: Started boiling a pot of soup, left it to simmer, went to bed and forgot about it, caused a kitchen fire and burnt through his wife’s favorite soup pan
  • Gemini: Got so drunk at his own wedding reception that he passed out and they had to call an ambulance
  • Cancer: Was so hungover after said wedding that he tried to shove a dumpling up his nose 
  • Leo: Made a selfie stick by tying his phone onto an actual stick with a blade of grass (evidence)
  • Virgo: Forgot his glasses at the local swimming pool, then went up to 2 pre-pubescent Indian kids and yelled at them that it was time to leave thinking they were my brother & I (we are Chinese and were teenagers at the time)
  • Libra: Tried to take a shortcut into Universal Studios Hollywood car park, only for the man at the barrier to ask for our IDs and work permits - it turned out that it was the entrance for legitimate film cast and crew only
  • Scorpio: Accidentally sent an email to his boss signed off as “sorry for the incontinence” instead of “sorry for the inconvenience”
  • Sagittarius: Went to my school’s parents’ evening and unknowingly mixed up his name tag with my mum’s so he was wearing a badge that said “Mrs S. Lee” whilst talking to my headmistress/teachers
  • Capricorn: Cried whilst watching Pixar’s Cars
  • Aquarius: Gesticulated so wildly whilst trying to haggle at a market that he knocked over a rack of sunglasses
  • Pisces: Fell asleep whilst watching Harry Potter. On the family desktop later that day, the google search history included, word for word, “why did lord vormor want to kill harry”