leaked script to The Dark Tower (2017)

Opening scene: the town of Tull, on the edge of the Mohaine desert. Low-angle shot. A tall black man dressed like a cross between Clint Eastwood and Morpheus is walking swiftly down the dusty street - the camera moves with him. He stops, long coat flapping in a dry wind. Eye-level shot as he squints suspiciously - he has been surrounded by village folk. They’re armed with pitchforks, crowbars, silverware, and a seething, desperate fury. A woman in conspicuously luxurious robes sits atop a wagon, commanding them, a holy book in her hand. Music surges.

With almost no warning, the bloodshed begins. The villagers attack, more like zombies than living people, throwing themselves towards the lone man. In bullet-time, he draws twin pistols from his hips. They’re huge but elegant guns - like Peacemakers on steroids. He lifts the guns and we see him glance around. Time resumes full-speed. It is a massacre - blood sprays across the screen, bodies drop like flies, bullet shells fall like rain. Gore like you’ve never seen before. 

Record scratch! The screen freezes on our ‘hero’ shooting with both hands, snarling, a spray of blood frozen inches from his face.

Roland: [a little sheepishly] “Yeahhh… that’s me, Roland of Gilead. Not my proudest moment. You might be wondering how I wound up in this mess. Well, maybe talking about it will be cathartic….” 

  • Damien: Hi, welcome to the South Park Villains Rehabilitation Center, Hosted by myself and Gregory.
  • Gregory: Name, crime and the last time you were relevant?
  • Satan: Satan Thorn, I'm here because this is my house, oh and something about trying to rule the world I guess. Uh....Season 10.
  • Terrance: Terrance Mephesto, I made a clone of Stan that nearly destroyed the town, and Season 1.
  • Bill: Bill Allen, kidnapped a doll with Fosse, Season 7
  • Fosse: Fosse Mcdonald, same as Bill.
  • Guinea Pirate: Guinea Pirate, tried to kill Craig and his friends so I could enslave the world, with my giant guinea pigs, Season 12.
  • Scott: Scott Tenorman, wanted revenge on Cartman after he killed my parents and turned them into chili, Season 14
  • Trent: Trent Boyett, wanted revenge on Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman, Season 8.
  • Nathan: Nathan Lane, gave Jimmy Steroids, and worked with the ads, Season 19.
  • Leslie: Leslie Meyers, used Kyle and Jimmy to further my plans for world domination, Season 19.
  • Danish Troll: I am the former head of Denmark's security, and I tried to start WW3, this season.
  • Damien: Ok and...wait Butters?
  • Butters: Hey fellahs.
  • Damien: You're a villain now?
  • Terrance: the fuck did we miss?
  • Butters: You have no idea.

So like I said my son is sick and he was given two breathing treatments and the doctor prescribed steroids along with other junk for colds. He decided to take a nap but now he’s awake and FUCKING WILD. He won’t sit still!

He’s also hungry and knows dinner time is 5 so I hear him go “Mom! It’s 5!” and I’m like it’s 4:30?? and he’s like “No look!”


This morning he looked and sounded and acted like he was going to die I was actually terrified. Now he’s the most alive I have ever seen him someone help me.

Please fire me. I am sure my next workplace would love to know you wrote me up for giving a man, who was going into anaphylactic shock, some benadryl.  Yep, it says “dealing drugs” in the write up.

  • Nathan: You know who I am, friend of Jimmy.
  • Craig: No, I don’t.
  • Nathan: You know what I do.
  • Craig: I’m still unclear on who you are.
  • Nathan: Ugh, I'm Jimmy's rival.
  • Craig: Yeah still drawing a blank.
  • Jimmy: Oh hey Nathan, Cr-Craig th-th-this is Nathan. Th-the one I told you about.
  • Craig: Oh! Wait, (glares at Nathan) he's the kid who gave you steroids?
  • Jimmy: Y-Yeah but we're friends now.
  • Craig: (to Nathan) I'm watching you.

Eye drops could dissolve cataracts

Cataracts cloud the eyes of tens of millions of people around the world and nearly 17.2% of Americans over the age of 40. Currently, the only treatment is surgery—lasers or scalpels cut away the molecular grout that builds in the eye as cataracts develop, and surgeons sometimes replace the lens. But now, a team of scientists and ophthalmologists has tested a solution in dogs that may be able to dissolve the cataract right out of the eye’s lens. And the solution is itself a solution: a steroid-based eye drop.