Stash-tea

Do you see this shit? This tea?

Don’t drink it. It’s the nastiest tea I have ever had the displeasure of exposing to my digestive system. 

What do you see when you close your eyes and think of a breakfast in Paris

fucking close your eyes and imagine it right now, dirtbag

do it

do you see that goddamn croissant. fucking butter. delicious smells. classy atmosphere. rude people who hate you because you’re a tourist and getting your uncalled-for self in the way of their daily lives

yeah well throw all of that wasted effort out because this tea is not like any of that at all.

This crap’s only ingredient list is ‘mixed black teas, bergamot, lavender.’

So what does that make you think of

did you think of a refined cup of earl grey tea with a light floral, soothing scent

Well did you

quit thinking that’s not what it’s like either

this shit stuffs a whole sachet of your grandmother’s gross perfume up your unwilling nose, the kind with the chemical tang like a band saw made of the bones of parfumeries on your flesh. fuck this tea. fuck it.  it literally just tastes purple. Like the most ugly chemical lavender taste, as if you murdered Barney the Dinosaur and left his faux-fur corpse to bleach in the inhospitable sun

if you snorted this stuff I bet you could die and descend to some kind of purple hell where we put all of Hawkeye’s failed costume choices

this purple liquid fucking impales you through the eye like you were baldr and it was goddamn mistletoe

fuck this purple tea

hcg-wild  asked:

Send me a ‘✉’ for five times my muse didn’t text yours, and one time they did. 

< txt : ❤ my hog   >  Jamison found my stash of herbal tea bags and now I keep mysteriously running out. Is there anything you could do about that? 

< txt : ❤ my hog >  I like the way you hold me, I wish I could spend more nights with you. 

< txt : ❤ my hog >  I think about the muscles in your arms a lot, is that bad? 

< txt : ❤ my hog >  If you ever want to use my bath .  . . 

< txt : ❤ my hog > I wish there was more I could do for you, for your homeland, for your family and friends but I am so limited with what I have. I wish I could help you. 

                                                                                                                    [ /deleted ]

< txt : my hog  > Jamison has a cut on his lower butt-cheek that he won’t let me heal. He said something about having a cool scar- but I am afraid it might be infected. Could you give him some medicine for me?

                                                                                                                    [ /sent]

Epiphany

I’ve been drinking Stash Brand teas for ages, and I just noticed last night while looking at the package that the company is from Portland, Oregon, and suddenly, it all became clear to me: “Ohhhhh…Stassshhhhh!”

I’m a smart guy, but it can still take me years to get a dumb pot joke.