Do you see this shit? This tea?

Don’t drink it. It’s the nastiest tea I have ever had the displeasure of exposing to my digestive system. 

What do you see when you close your eyes and think of a breakfast in Paris

fucking close your eyes and imagine it right now, dirtbag

do it

do you see that goddamn croissant. fucking butter. delicious smells. classy atmosphere. rude people who hate you because you’re a tourist and getting your uncalled-for self in the way of their daily lives

yeah well throw all of that wasted effort out because this tea is not like any of that at all.

This crap’s only ingredient list is ‘mixed black teas, bergamot, lavender.’

So what does that make you think of

did you think of a refined cup of earl grey tea with a light floral, soothing scent

Well did you

quit thinking that’s not what it’s like either

this shit stuffs a whole sachet of your grandmother’s gross perfume up your unwilling nose, the kind with the chemical tang like a band saw made of the bones of parfumeries on your flesh. fuck this tea. fuck it.  it literally just tastes purple. Like the most ugly chemical lavender taste, as if you murdered Barney the Dinosaur and left his faux-fur corpse to bleach in the inhospitable sun

if you snorted this stuff I bet you could die and descend to some kind of purple hell where we put all of Hawkeye’s failed costume choices

this purple liquid fucking impales you through the eye like you were baldr and it was goddamn mistletoe

fuck this purple tea

Recipe: Matcha Whoopie Pies

Photo: Iain Bagwell; Styling: Emma Star Jensen
Recipe courtesy of Sunset magazine.

These cute cake-like chocolate sandwiches with creamy matcha filling are totally irresistible and so fun to make! They are definitely high on our list of favorite treats!

We recommend using Stash Japanese Matcha Powdered Green Tea for this recipe.

Matcha Whoopie Pies

2 cups flour
½ cup Dutch-process cocoa powder, such as Droste
1 ½ teaspoons baking soda
¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
½ cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise and seeds scraped out
1 cup buttermilk

Matcha Filling
1 ½ cups powdered sugar
1 ½ tablespoons matcha
3 ounces cream cheese
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature

1. Preheat oven to 350°. Sift flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt into a medium bowl.
2. Beat butter and brown sugar in a large bowl with a mixer on medium speed until very fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.
3. Beat in egg, vanilla extract, and vanilla seeds. Reduce speed to low and gradually add flour mixture; then gradually beat in buttermilk until smooth, scraping down inside of bowl as needed.
4. Line 2 large baking sheets with parch­ment paper. Put batter in a piping bag with a large tip (or cut a ½-in. corner off a resealable plastic bag and spoon in batter). Form 1-tbsp. mounds of batter 2 in. apart on sheets. Bake about 12 minutes or until cakes spring back when poked. Transfer to rack to cool.
5. Meanwhile, make filling: Sift powdered sugar and matcha together into a medium-large bowl. Add cream cheese, butter, and mascarpone and beat with a mixer on low speed at first, then on medium until very smooth and creamy, about 2 to 3 minutes.
6. Using an offset spatula or a butter knife, generously spread some filling on the flat side of a cake and top with another cake. Repeat for rest of cakes.

Make ahead: Cakes, up to 3 days, stored airtight at room temperature between sheets of parchment; filling, up to 2 days, chilled (bring to room temperature before spreading).
Recipe: Homemade Chai Applesauce

photo credit: A Good Appetite

Apple picking season is almost here in the Northwest. One way we like to enjoy the harvest is to make homemade applesauce. It brings back such wonderful memories of childhood. We were delighted to find this recipe from A Good Appetite that gives applesauce a new kick with the addition of sweet and spicy chai tea. We can’t decide what we like better, grandma’s classic version or this one!

Chai Applesauce
3 bags Stash Double Spice Chai
3 lbs apples, cored & peeled (If you have a food mill you can skip peeling & run the sauce through the food mill to get rid of the skins)
1 c water
½ c sugar
1 T lemon juice

In a large heavy pot add the water, sugar and tea bags. Bring to a boil and stir to dissolve sugar. Turn off heat and let sit about 10 minutes. Remove tea bags, squeezing any liquid in them into the pot.

Cut the prepared apples into slices and add to the pot with your flavoring mixture. Turn the heat to medium-high. Let cook, stirring occasionally, until the apples are very soft about 30 minutes.

Use a spoon or potato masher to help smash the apples to a sauce texture. (If you left the skins on your apples run your sauce through a food mill at this point to remove them.) Stir in the lemon juice. If your sauce seems too thick for your liking add a little water to it.

Put into containers and refrigerate. Or you can put hot sauce into sterilized jars and can them in a boiling water bath for 20 minutes for pantry storage.

Makes about 5 cups.
Brenna Reviews: Jasmine Tea from Stash Teas

First, you must brew the tea. Take your desired mug. Yes. The big one. And fill it with the tears of your enemies. If you are out of tears, distilled or tap will do, but the effect is really lost.

Heat your water with the flame of your burning hot microwave, because The Gods™ did not give you the patience to handle bullshit and a kettle in the same day.

Steep for however long it says on the package. Or however long you please. Do not let your ignorant yet pretentious tea friends dictate how long you stew in your own juices.

Take a picture of your tea. 

It is beautiful.

Post it places to anger your enemies and friends. Now that your brewing is complete, your stewing may begin; pick your topic of choice, Like, the socioeconomic impact of dialectical pedagogy. Or fucking bitches. Try your tea.

Now, onto the review itself:

The Aroma: has a high, floral note, somewhere between the panicked shriek of a dying horse and the wail of a lowborn banshee; You can really feel the jasmine pull through, with notes reminding me of the bush I planted over where I hid the bodies.

The Taste: The flavor maintains its healthy relationship with the scent: slightly bitter, but still highly floral. It goes down smooth, with its full flavor being realized at the same time you too realize there is nothing like the sound of silence.

Remember that you are alone.

The Progression and Icing: As you drink, you will realize your body is sweating: let it release the negative energy from your pores. Bottle it for later usage on less pleasing people’s lawns.

Notice it is now dark.

Open your house, your mug, and your heart to the night. Feel the suction pull you closer as you open the windows. Let it hold you, for a moment. Then, put some mother fucking ice in this thing to finish your review dammit.

Add your ice. Let your tea cool completely for the full effect. Take this time to pet a cat, prep an emoji spell, or start a blog. The ice mellows the flavor slightly, but the floral flavor creeps back up your throat to remind you its there, waiting.

The flavor itself now sits mid-tongue, and the tea acquires a slightly waxy flavor with ice.

Final Thoughts and Rating: A solid tea, gentle and patient. Do not ice for fear of having your throat waxed. If so pressed, brew in every corner of your house to drive out bad spirits and making your house smell excellent. 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Recipe: Kori Ginger Coke (or Pepsi)

photo credit:

The minute we spotted this creative beverage on we thought what a great idea! Ice cubes made with English Breakfast tea, fresh ginger and lemon to flavor your cola. Why didn’t we think of that!

We recommend using Stash English Breakfast Black Tea or Stash English Breakfast Decaf Black Tea for this beverage.

Kori Ginger Coke
makes 3
3 cans regular Coca Cola
2 bags English Breakfast tea
3 pieces thumb-sized peeled ginger (about 2 Tbsp)
1 lemon, quartered
2 cups water

In a pot, put tea bags, ginger, lemon and water.
Heat and boil for 2 minutes. (Start count when it begins to boil.)
Let cool. When ready, pour into ice trays and freeze.
Put ice cubes in a glass and add soda. Serve immediately.

I’ve been drinking Stash Brand teas for ages, and I just noticed last night while looking at the package that the company is from Portland, Oregon, and suddenly, it all became clear to me: “Ohhhhh…Stassshhhhh!”

I’m a smart guy, but it can still take me years to get a dumb pot joke.