I don’t get why some people choose to love someone and when they find someone else that is worth the chase, someone else that ignites a certain emotion inside them, they retract the words they’ve used to capture your heart. They will make you feel safe, make you feel like you’re worth everything, make you feel loved and when they find someone else they tend to forget everything they’ve ever said to you. I love you’s are said out of convenience and the things they used to do before were treated as nothing. Was it really that easy for someone to treat you as an option just because they know you can’t leave them? Was it really that easy to say i love you like you actually mean it and go around making sweet gestures to somebody else? Was it so easy to break someone’s heart and pretend like all of this was just a game? Because maybe it’s not about who can actually treat us better, maybe it’s more of being with someone who knows that we deserved better.
but baby, if you lost
just look for me
and you’ll find me
in one of many paragraphs,
that i wrote.
—  d.p.a
Batteries

My car battery died this morning and I am jealous.
No-one faults it for being done.
For recharging just a little slower each day.
For finally just
Refusing to wake up.
The world will gladly make another battery.
The world will gladly make another 6'3" aloof Polish man that writes the pain away
Or so I tell myself in the nights where my bed refuses to be an alternator
My mind races the clouds as I sit on the hill near my home clutching my ribs
It is a stained glass window under those same clouds
A poorly lit cathedral you used to go to
My heart is my grandmother’s clock in the foyer: broken but still good, so many moments and memories before it stops ticking
My body,
Oh mother, I am sorry
My body is a war field
Stomach against brain
Hunger against pain
It is strong
And
Probably still good, if a little plain
My body is an oak tree with a noose around the boy in me’s neck
Bulimia has beaten boyhood
I was just gonna try it
Like boys should
And now we are here
My car battery died this morning and I called my Mother
I did not tell her I am jealous
I did not say
Mother, I pray for meteors
Mother, I pray for any way that no-one faults
Mother, I pray you never see my legs
Mother, I am so tired
Mother, I am so sorry but unconditional was not enough
No, Just
Mother, my car battery has died
Could you please
Help me

Love isn’t about how you feel about someone else.

It’s about how they make you feel about yourself.

today i noticed that life is very short. life is so short that we must follow our dreams. that we must kiss the person we love. that we must say hello to strangers. eat that creamy chocolate bar we were craving. leave our friends and family with hugs and kisses instead of just saying goodbyes. we should look at the sky. gaze at the stars and count it too. smell the flowers, pick it and give it to your neighbours. look at our lovers face and memorize the twinkle in their eyes when they talk about their day. call our mothers. call our old friends. dance the night away till your feet give up. enjoy the little things before it’s too late. before it’s too late to enjoy life.
—  S.Bashir
08.06.2017

I wanted to know,
what was enough
was it beauty?
was it money?
I wanted to know,
if you’d still love her
if the time flew
if the age took over

I just wanted to know,
would you still stay?
would you?

—  d.p.a // would you?
My ultimate aim is not to make you fall in love with me. I want you to ring me up when everything in your life goes wrong or when everything seems to go right. I want you to give all your firsts to me, and if not all your firsts but at least the best you’ve ever had. I want to hold you till you fall asleep. I want you to share all your deepest darkest secrets- the ones that haunt you like a ghost. I want you to think of me whenever someone brings up happiness. I want to be your safe place, your family, your home, your shoulder to cry on, your anchor. And my final destination is not to make you love me back, I want to make you fall in love with yourself before making you fall in love with me.
he placed his hand over my heart and felt something I never knew.
it was purpose.
at that moment I knew I existed for a reason
and I never gave up on life
—  my second half {excerpt from a poem}

a message from women:
do you know what it’s like to be left alone in love?
do you know what it’s like to feel stuck in love?
do you know what it’s like to be too depressed?
do you know what it’s like to have to beg for
forever from a person who neglects your history?
do you what it’s like to lose everything?
do you know what it’s like to feel abandoned?
do you know what it’s like to wait?
do you know that i will never be too near or too far away?
honestly, i’m still waiting for closure.
i still question what this is— or what this was?
because i can’t help but hope
our feelings were mutual.
do you know how it feels to constantly chase
a feeling you’re addicted to?
do you know i’ve got the jones for you.
and an appetite. and a sweet tooth.
do you know i prayed for you?
from night ’til day.
regardless of my better judgement or dismay
time after time after promises
that never seemed impossible or too good to be TRUE.
do you know what it’s like to try
convincing yourself that— this was the truth.
like i was the woman created for you.
do you know how much i’ve craved you?
i’ve searched for you everywhere
in people, in prayer, in psalm.
in different lovers, in god.
and god— i, wish you really knew.
that i’d love you till death,
or that i’d kill for you.
or that i feel you, like soul deep, like
deeper than anyone ever will.
do you know what it’s like to feel dead inside
and see you so alive, still?

but these days i feel alive.
i’ve been able to realize
you just weren’t meant for me.
these days i don’t cry over
spilled milk.
or lost love
or things i have no control of.
these days i just love myself more.
i just know there’s a happily ever after.
these days i just — don’t see it with you.
nothing personal i think i just fell too quick for your potential.
i just wanted you to be the one.
i just thought we made sense
but now i love myself enough to know better..

—  Reyna Biddy
When I first met you, I thought that you might be something that I was going to call home.
And I was right.
—  d.p.a
Twenty things I’ve learned in Twenty Years

1. Life will break you down until you’re crawling on your hands and knees, until you feel like you are Atlas holding the world upon your shoulders, until you feel like the raging inferno inside of your chest is going to combust. These are the moments that will forge you in a fire and make you more unbreakable than diamonds.

2. We are made of stardust, at least that’s what they say. I remember someone told me that every atom in my body once belonged to a star that exploded. At night I stare at my hands and wonder when I will erupt. I know now that I cannot trust anyone else to keep me whole in the darkest hours of the night but my own two star infused arms.

3. You will fall in love, and that is okay. Sometimes we need to fall in love to remember that there is good out there. Fall in love with the boy who opens the door for you, fall in love with your boss who works too hard, fall in love with the woman who hands out roses on that one street corner, fall in love with yourself.

4. They weren’t lying when they said we accept the love we think we deserve. I grew up being told I was a mistake and so I adopted the idea that no one could ever love a mistake. I was wrong (they were wrong) and now it’s up to me to prove them wrong. Don’t believe the things they said, you are so much more than the toxins they tried to poison you with.

5. Close your eyes, count to ten, and open them again. You are not alone. I know it may feel like you are the only one, but believe me when I say that you aren’t. I was where you are, and now I have talked to more people that have been through much worse than I than I would like to admit to. You are never alone, not really.

6. Music can save. Play it as loud as you can with the windows down as you drive (probably a little too fast). Play it while you are at work and while you are in the shower and play it when you want to give up in the middle of the day and when you want to give up in the middle of the night. Just play the music that tugs at your heartstrings, it may save you.

7. Nothing in life is easy, not really. You will catch a few breaks here and there, but the rest of the time you will find yourself fighting tooth and nail to make it back to the top. Don’t give up, I almost did this year and if I had I wouldn’t be able to witness what the sun looks like shining in her eyes.

8. You will have scars, and that’s fine. We all have them but it’s up to you if you want to hide them or show your battle wounds to the world so they know how strong of a warrior you are, so they know not to fuck with you.

9. Watch the sunrise, and watch the sunset. There is something about the sun that screams life; let the light bleed into you and consume you until you shine with it. Sometimes it’s the simple things we are missing in life that we need the most.

10. They will say they love you and then they will turn around and break your heart. You cannot compare your life’s worth to the empty spaces that were once filled around you. People will leave (willing or not) and life will go on. Let life go on.

11. If you are under the impression you are broken, then it is up to you to decide if you are or not. It took me years to admit that I was never quite whole, but when I did it was the most freeing feeling ever. Brokenness does not take away from perfection, and you are the very definition of perfect.

12. It’s okay to let people in, you don’t need to cage yourself away from the rest of the world, don’t forget to live your life while you pursue safeness.

13. Hobbies will save you when all else fails you, find a hobby and stick to it. When the world feels all too loud, a hobby can make you go deaf.

14. The moment you realize Wonder Woman or any other superhero you idolized as a child is not going to swoop down and save you is when your life changes. You have to be your own hero in this world. Stop waiting for someone to save you and go save yourself.

15. They are gone, she took her own life and he died in a car crash and she died from cancer and he left. You cannot live your life counting how many people that held a piece of your heart vanished, I’m not saying to forget about them I’m just saying that it’s okay to say goodbye.  

16. It’s okay to cry; cry in the shower and in bed and in your car, being sad is okay as long as you don’t let it consume you.

17. Smile as much as you can even on the bad days.

18. For God’s sake, don’t let them ruin you. You are so strong, you’ve made it this far and that means you can make it another day. If you can get through today you can get through tomorrow and every day that follows. If you feel like you can’t get through the day then sit down and don’t move until the light is peaking in through your window.

19. Never say never. If you think you can’t do something try anyway, this is your life, you are the main character of your own story, but you are also the author of your story. Write it however you want, but don’t give up halfway through.

20. Just don’t take your life. While this is something I learned this year I’m also writing this as a reminder to myself and to you. Don’t do it, please. There can be more to life than what you are feeling right now, don’t rob yourself of the beauty of this world. Don’t give up, no matter how much it hurts.
—  An open letter to myself, and to you. (Sometimes I write until I run out of words) ALightLitInTheDark
And sometimes love will taste like liquor, pitching all your weaknesses to a centre and destroying your strength all together.
And sometimes love will speak bitter, breaking your heart into a million pieces and wrapping you up in a pool of your tears.
And sometimes love will look like hell, causing physical as well as mental pain, drowning you in evil.
And sometimes love will sound like a ‘goodbye’ call, making you hang between leaving or staying.
And sometimes love will be everything you never would expect it to be, and it will be hard. It will be everything you’ve never imagined and it will shatter your soul apart. But you should know what kind is worth suffering for and what kind is not.

like oil in a seed 
like fire in a stone 
I search the outskirts of my soul,
looking for him

but I forget that he doesn’t live with me,
but within me

—  God 

honestly life is so beautiful and i feel like so often we take advantage of it and just go through the day never noticing the most simple, beautiful things that surround us. we are surrounded by people who are so flawed and yet so beautifully human. we are surrounded by oceans and forests and rivers and mountains and volcanoes and places so filled with life that it seems endless. we are all under a sky that is filled with changing colors and stars and planets and the sun and the moon. we are constantly surrounded by beauty and yet we constantly ignore it. look around you. there is still good. there is good in laughter and smiles and kindness and sunsets and rain and oceans. so don’t give up, there is so much good for you to take in. there is so much that is still left for you.

Sometimes I dream about living by the sea.
I dream about salty air,
I dream about days that are unattached to anything
or anyone.
The ocean would be swelling with sadness,
so much so that there would be no room for mine.
I could sleep with the sound of the water outside my window instead of the trees.
I think I could live that way.
—  h.m. {dreams}
Your love for me was an internal flame. Setting fire to what was once inflammable. Your actions echoed louder than your words, making your silence my comfort
—  silence