Because now I realized
that I don’t need someone
who keeps on babbling
about my mistakes,
who look at their fingers
and count all the wrong things
I have done within a day,
I knew then that who I need
is someone who is aware of
my bad days when I failed
to do my best,
but still encourage me to learn
all the lessons I have
to face and take.
—  ma.c.a // I knew, I can never be perfect
And there was nothing poetic about wanting to kill myself and writing so many suicide notes in my head explaining how sorry I was for the things I did not become. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about crying myself to sleep every night for the past 5 years hoping someone would care enough to save me. No one saved me. No one was going to save me because there is nothing poetic about thinking you can’t be saved. There is nothing poetic about staring at a blank wall for an entire day or smiling and laughing the next and having people think “oh she’s fine.” There was nothing poetic and beautiful about trying to take my own life. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about my mother having a panic attack every time I have a bad day and lock my door. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about me not taking my pills because I don’t know who I am without this sadness. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about having depression and wishing you were dead. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about my depression or anyone else’s depression nor will there ever be anything beautiful and poetic about it.
—  Fuck anyone that says it’s beautiful//Deeply Feeling Series
It’s a tragically beautiful thing, don’t you think,
to have somebody to miss.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write, 61
“Cross country”
You are those seconds
between lightning and thunder;
full of everything
that’s about to come,
telling me
how close
you actually are.
—  // a storm
j.d.m.
I fall in love
with the sea
even if I knew
it can drown me,
and I have more
love for you,
even if I knew
that it is
terrifying,
too.
—  ma.c.a // Island of Feelings
I wish someone would’ve just sat me down, five years ago, ten years ago even, and told me how much growing up would feel like digging my soul out of my body by teaspoons and burying it.
—  from an unfinished story #810
I miss the girl I used to be; like her eyes that spoke of innocence and her mind that was full of wonder.But of all things , I miss her heart the most. The heart that loved ferociously without a hint of fear.A heart that loved so greatly the universe could burst in tears. How pure and unblemished. For she was a girl who has never been hurt. Carrying a heart that was pure love to the fullest sense. How I wish I could love that way again.
—  Innocence // Conee Berdera
And maybe
the most terrible—
yet the bravest thing
I’ve ever done,
was to continue walking
no matter how slow
my feet move,
no matter
how many times
I took a rest
and sat on the ground—
to stand up
and travel
this tough road
of mine,
when all I ever wanted
was to come back
to that wonderful moment
when things
never seem
to be wrong,
when things never hurt
so much—
and when everything
seems perfectly fine.
—  ma.c.a // Long Way Home
tag yourself

a. a gentle soul with big dreams. tending to be melancholic, they can be sensitive and highly emotional, loosing themselves in their own imagination.

b. highly independent and ambitious, they have a clear idea of their goals and priorities in life. always analyzing their surroundings, they are very private, not sharing their deep inner emotions.

c. beams of sunlight, radiating positive energy. kind-hearted, they tend to put others’ needs before their own. the best friend one could hope for.

d. curiosity is their main drive in life. seeking to discover everything this world has to offer, their natural love of learning ignites a strong passion. you find them staying awake at night, fully consumed by their topic of interest.

e. full of ideas and creativity, they seek to make, to transform their thoughts into art and poetry, into beautiful phrases. prone to sometimes being anxious, especially around new people.

stop waiting for him
to give you the world
when he hasn’t even
loaned you his heart.
—  by shelby leigh
I figured out how to stop loving someone you’re not supposed to love anymore. I know it sounds impossible but trust me, we’ve done it before. I told my first love that I’d love him forever, but I don’t anymore. He has a spot in my heart- just like my dog and my best friends and a teacher that changed my life- but I don’t love him anymore because that was a different person who was with him and I’m not her anymore. And one day, we’ll no longer love the people we love now, we just have to wait for ourselves to change again. And we try to speed it up by starting new hobbies, getting haircuts, moving, learning a new language. Anything. Because the sad truth is we know we need to shed part of ourselves to fall out of love. And that sucks but it’s necessary.
After meeting you I just don’t think there will be any other. A part of me will never be whole again. I picked up your habits, good and bad. Phrases you said became a part of me and I find myself using them in sentences. I memorized the lyrics of all your favorite songs and I catch myself singing them randomly. I smell of your scent every once in a while and I cannot help but wonder where you are, and if you are thinking of me as well. I close my eyes and all I see is you. You are in every part of me, consuming me.