Aliens are so used to humans wanting to pet the most deadliest creatures they find because PUPPER that they have prepared on every ship with a human crewmate. They have human sitting duties and at least 2 chaperones when going planet-side, just in case they get any ideas.

Then a crew gets a human for the first time and it’s everything like what the Human Care Manual says. The human is loud, but pleasant, always joke around with the crew and was tremendous during that Flokkut Raid on Sector 6. The human even brought a camera with it to take pictures on the ship (it’s bigger than most, downright obnoxious in shape to some of the crew, but the human is happy with it, and a happy human is a bonded human)

So then they go down to a planet, letting the human explore with his chaperones. After walking for a while the group stumbles on a herd of Dwetts, elks with fish eyes and flippers. The aliens sigh cause it was bound to see creatures sooner or later, and turn to give Acceptable Reason #6 from the manual, when the human disappeared! They freak out because how did the human leave??? Does it have invisibility??? That wasn’t part of the manual!! But they hear their human saying “guys, stop moving! You’re going to upset them!”

They look down to see the human lying on his stomach looking through his camera, taking pictures. They were shocked, but did as they were told and sat down. For hours they watched the human taking photos, being as quiet as still as possible. This couldn’t be the same human??

When the human was done, it got up, stretched, and headed back for the ship. The chaperones followed suit. When they got back the captain was surprised that they returned without a creature (even with 2 chaperones, he suspected that the human would win anyway) but was astonished to hear what had happened.

“You didn’t want to take one as these ‘pets’ for the ship??”

“No???? Why would I? They aren’t domesticated, they need space to live which the ship wouldn’t supply.”

“But aren’t they cute in human terms?”

“I mean, I would say more interesting than cute. But seriously, how would we take care of it? How to feed it, groom it, keep away from all the sensitive equipment? It would be dangerous for us and it if we take one from the wild. You really want one that badly?”

“Wha- No! It’s just…you seemed to like them?”

“I mean yeah, it’s a new animal species, and I did take pictures, but not as long as I hoped for. Honestly you have to look at the ecosystem here before getting any animals on board.”

The captain immediately notified the Human Care Committee that their section on animal bonding does not apply to human subclass professional wildlife photographer

So many dumb ways to die

I’ve seen so many humans are weird posts where humans are seen as the invincible warrior species, but one thing that I’ve yet to see mentioned is how ridiculously easy it is for humans to die in some cases. For that reason, I will list a few here.

Humans can die by …

  • eating a larger meal after a long fast (refeeding syndrome)
  • their own immune system overreacting to a peanut (allergies)
  • accidentally inhaling a small amount of water that causes vocal chords to spasm and close up… hours after exiting the pool (dry drowning)
  • Speaking of drowning, people can also drown in inches deep water if the water is cold and they fall face first
  • consuming too much of certain nutrients (hypervitaminosis)
  • food accidentally going down the wrong pipe (choking)
  • (what is mentioned above can also happen with a human’s own vomit)
  • blood getting into the wrong parts of the body, especially the brain (aneurysm)

Feel free to add to this list

Space Oddity
David Bowie
Space Oddity

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you….
Here am I floating
round my tin can
Far above the moon
planet Earth is blue
and there’s nothing I can do.

Signs as David Bowie singles (1969-1993)
  • Aries: China Girl
  • Taurus: Heroes
  • Gemini: Rebel Rebel
  • Cancer: Starman
  • Leo: Fashion
  • Virgo: Changes
  • Libra: Space Oddity
  • Scorpio: Life On Mars?
  • Sagittarius: Ziggy Stardust
  • Capricorn: Let's Dance
  • Aquarius: Ashes To Ashes
  • Pisces: Loving The Alien

Thanks to @samknitchester for this brilliant idea on “Bun in the Oven!” Post.

Imagine an alien species that’s just kinda blunt and don’t really get innuendos? And oh boy believe me when I say that when there’s something mildly dirty that happens the 12 year old comes out in all of us and suddenly we’re having giggling fits.

*The spaceship flies towards a vaguely dick shaped space station*

Human Joe- That’s,,, that’s a rather long station *trying not to snicker*

Human Jane- Must be pretty sturdy too *also struggling*

Human Anne- Oh come on guys! Just look at that star dust at the tip *biting her lip*

Aliens: Yes??? *Confused as to why their humans are suddenly shaking*

Or even a machine that resembles a shake weight.

{Once again, please add some more stories!}