Souljaboytellem

Soulja Boy Loses Freestyle Battle To A Carrot

23-year-old rapper DeAndre Cortez Way, better known by his stage name Soulja Boy, suffered a devastating blow to his already-questionable reputation this week, after a video surfaced appearing to show the rapper decisively losing a freestyle battle to a carrot.

The embarrassing footage, which first appeared on Worldstarhiphop.com on Tuesday, appears to show Soulja Boy challenging a carrot to a rap battle and then losing miserably and conclusively. In the video, an inebriated Soulja Boy – who hasn’t put out a song anyone gives a shit about since 2008 – is shown approaching the carrot in a dimly-lit alleyway. It is unclear why the confrontation was filmed or what the rapper hoped to gain from the encounter.

Several other carrots, along with two beets and one potato, surround the Vitamin A-rich vegetable that Soulja Boy singled out. To any normal human being, the curious assemblage of discarded food looked like a spot where someone had accidentally spilled some groceries. To Soulja Boy – who famously and tragically lost the ability to turn his swag back on in 2012 – it looked like a prime opportunity to showcase his nonexistent skill set.

When only several feet separate the fallen food items and the talentless rapper, Soulja Boy makes the first move. Facing his orange nemesis, Soulja Boy yells: “Bet you won’t!” an exceptionally vague phrase apparently meant as a challenge. The posse of veggies remains motionless and silent – an ancient pastime of lifeless objects. The pacifism only serves to enrage the rapper. “Aww shit, it’s on naoh!” Soulja Boy yells, stomping towards the group of inanimate edibles as if he were King Kong trying to register his force on the Richter scale. “Get that nigga, son!” yells an unidentified male in the rapper’s posse. “I think homeboy carrot wants a battle!” another off-camera voice exclaims. Improvised beatboxing begins. “Aight,” the rapper begins, “it’s a battle.”

The freestyle that follows seems to go south before it begins. The first bars of Soulja Boy’s rap are as follows:

Carrots tryna flex but they got no muscle/

Stick one carrot in my ass, better make that shit a double/

The beatboxing suddenly stops. The veil is slowly being lifted for Soulja Boy’s crew, who begins to suspect that their leader isn’t entirely well. “What?” says one voice behind the camera. Soulja Boy immediately realizes his unforced error, and shoots a panicked look back at the camera. “Holdup. I mean,”

Carrots got swagga out the ass…but I don’t/

I think it’s cuz I stick em in my ass – wait, no! wait no!

By the end of Soulja Boy’s last line the camera view has become a chaotic, upside-down whirlwind of indecipherable alleyway imagery. Heavy breathing and the sound of people running away from the scene is all we hear as Soulja Boy’s posse apparently abandons him with extreme haste.

While two beets and one potato were found at the scene the proximate day, no carrots were ever recovered.