Skid-row

  • Person: so, what kind of music do you listen to?
  • Friends, sweating: no, you didn't.
  • My family: no, you didn't.
  • The city: no, you didn't.
  • The entire world: no, you didn't.
  • Aliens: no, you didn't.
  • Lucifer: hell no, you didn't.
  • God: for my sake, you didn't
  • Me, cracking my fingers: take a seat, my dear friend, it's going to be a long night.
Bands and Girls They Like by Chuck Klosterman
  • GUNS N' ROSES: Bisexual models; submissive women; girls who would buy them booze.
  • MOTLEY CRUE: Strippers; women who have sex in public (particularly elevators); lesbians.
  • RATT: Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen-year-olds.
  • WARRANT: Virgins who exhibited the potential to become nymphomaniacs.
  • DEF LEPPARD: Drunk girls; female vampires.
  • THE CULT: Female vampires only.
  • FASTER PUSSYCAT: GNR rejects.
  • W.A.S.P.: Magician's assistants; women with rape fantasies; lower primates.
  • AEROSMITH: Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like having sex in elevators.
  • CINDERELLA: Gypsies.
  • TESLA: Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.
  • SKID ROW: Nameless, faceless, top-heavy sex machines (with hearts of gold).
  • BULLETBOYS: Girls with particularly deep birth canals.
  • L.A. GUNS: Drug-addled hitchhikers who like rough sex.
  • BANG TANGO: Faster Pussycat rejects.
  • VAN HALEN: Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of "One Day at a Time."
  • DAVID LEE ROTH (solo): The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.
  • BON JOVI: The girl next door.
  • VINNIE VINCENT INVASION: The dominatrix next door.
  • SLAUGHTER: Girls who couldn't make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.
  • WINGER: Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.
  • POISON: Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.
  • KISS: Any girl who wasn't dead.
  • IRON MAIDEN: Dead girls.
  • JUDAS PRIEST: Boys.
  • METALLICA: None of the above.