I am writing today in response to your latest inquiry regarding my thoughts and opinions on one Kristen Stewart. I understand that it is highly unusual to respond at such length via a comment on a Facebook status, but I believe my reasons will become apparent as I, the great Sherlock Homo, attempt to unravel the question posed within your status: “Kristen Stewart Dating Alicia Cargile? ‘Twilight’ Star Reportedly Has A New Girlfriend.”
Then my friend’s wiry arms were round me, and he was leading me to a chair.
“You’re not hurt, Watson? For God’s sake, say that you are not hurt!”
It was worth a wound–it was worth many wounds–to know the depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask. The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. All my years of humble but single-minded service culminated in that moment of revelation.
“It’s nothing, Holmes. It’s a mere scratch.”
He had ripped up my trousers with his pocket-knife.
“You are right,” he cried with an immense sigh of relief. “It is quite superficial.”
John Watson [& Sherlock Holmes], The Adventure of the Three Garridebs
People like different things! Why are you gonna get mad because of crack and RPF?? No one is forcing you to look at/enjoy things. Shhh babies, shhh. It will be okay. Martin and Benedict are not boning, but if people want to write about it, that is okay. John is not a teacup or a kitten or a ball of yarn or a flamingo and sherlock is not a dragon or a giraffe or a button or a bagel, but shhh. Let us not throw sand in each others faces. The sandbox is big enough for all of us. Now let us all worship at the alter of the Godtiss and not kill each other before the new episodes air, okay?
“My dear fellow,” said Sherlock Holmes as we sat on either side of the fire in his lodgings at Baker Street, “life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent. We would not dare to conceive the things which are really mere commonplaces of existence. If we could fly out of that window hand in hand, hover over this great city, gently remove the roofs, and peep in at the queer things which are going on, the strange coincidences, the plannings, the cross-purposes, the wonderful chains of events, working through generations, and leading to the most outré results, it would make all fiction with its conventionalities and foreseen conclusions most stale and unprofitable.” - Arthur Conan Doyle, ‘A Case of Identity’.
I suppose my bodily proportions are quite flattering. I’m ripped, doing something I wouldn’t normally do with my body, or having done to it, involving Watson,” he said cheekily. “So that’s as far as I’ll hit about that one, but it’s all there on the Web if you want to find it. I was amazed at the level of artistry; people have spent hours doing it. And there’s some really weird cross breeding stuff that goes on. The news got out that I was playing Smaug in ‘Hobbit’ and suddenly there were lots of dragons with purple scarves flying around so it’s crazy, it’s crazy.
With your natural advantages, Watson, every lady is your helper and accomplice. What about the girl at the post-office, or the wife of the greengrocer? I can picture you whispering soft nothings with the young lady at the Blue Anchor, and receiving hard somethings in exchange. All this you have left undone.
Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of the Retired Colourman