Save-the-trees

  • my child:tell me a bedtime story
  • me:*pats them on the head*
  • me:It’s summer of 2001, Joe meets Patrick and he’s like “yo, I know about music” and Patrick’s like “yo, I know more about music” “that’s impossible. Do You wanna start a band?” And Patrick’s like “…yeah… that’s cool.” And then he’s like ” yo, this is a book store its not a music store!” And then they met at Patrick’s house. And Patrick’s wearing shorts and socks and a hat. Patrick is playin’ drums for some fuckin’ reason! And Pete’s there, for some reason! They start playin’ music together. And there like ” oh let’s play some fuckin’ covers from some other bands!” It was like, Green day and fuckin’ misfits and fuckin’ Ramones! Pete said to Joe “yo we gotta change this shit up! Yo we’ve played all these bands let’s play shit from Fall Out Boy.” And so Pete and Patrick are like “yo, that’s dope. But we need a fuckin’ drummer!” Because Patrick’s playin’ drums and he’s a singer! And he’s like “yo! I got a soul voice!” And there like “wait, how do you have a soul voice!?!” And he’s like “yo watch this! YEeeeeEeeeeEeeaaaAAAH!” and they’re like “oh my god! That sounds like soul!” So they put it in the song and it was like “WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!?!!!?!” And then they’re like “yo, this is fuckin’ perfect. This is Fall Out Boy.” And they made records like, Evening out with your ex-girlfriend. its called evening out with your ex girlfriend, everybody loves it. Its called Eating Out Your Girlfriend, and its real and it doesent matter. And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe and he was like “Yo what the Fuuuck! Yo this is gonna be fuckin’ dooooope!” So they made a record, and it was called take this to your grave. They made it without a drummer! And they had like three, four drummers come in. The four drummers they had come in were like… Josh Freese, Neil Peart, the dude from toto… The fourth one was like the guy from papa roach or something. And they were like, “yo, we need Andy Hurly. Andy Hurley. Take this to your grave. Fuckin record it.” And he did it, and he killed it. He was like,Bigadigadigalalululapssshhhh! Killing the skins! Tapping the skins! Tapping the rims! Playing the shit! Killing these bitches! Wrapping it out! “We should get signed, to fueled by ramen. Cuz these guys know what the fuck is going on.” And they were like “yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not fuckin hard. We will sign you guys.’ Pete was like ” yo! We got this record that’s fuckin’ dope dude!! Its called, take this to your grave.” Hey, its gonna be called from under the cork tree, its gonna be fuckin huge. And then Patrick’s like “I gotta keep it real,I gotta keep it artistic. These are three songs that are gonna make the album and its called… This is called Thanks for the memories, 20 dollar nosebleed, and Sugar were going down..” And they made this record that was fucking dope and it fucking hit on the charts. Like one, two, three! Three, two one! Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!!!! TEN TO ONE! From under the cork tree sold like Four million records! Ten million records! Fifteen million records!!! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick was like “that’s gooooooooood!” Pete was like “yo, FUCK YOU! I can do whatever I want!” Joe was like “yeah its cool man, whatever… I don’t give a shit.” And then Andy was like “eh… Cool!” And Pete was like “makeup is fuckin’ great for a guy. Because it makes a guy look beautiful. Which a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful. And I wanna change that.I wanna make sure everybody thinks that guys are beautiful.” Pete was like “oh my god I’m so embarrassed about this dick pic!” And then I saw the dick pic and I was like “eh, its not bad. Its not a bad dick. Let’s be real.” Panic! At the disco made rolling stone one issue before fall out boy. And fall out boy made the issue right after Panic! And they were so pissed! They were like “yo fuck you guys!” They were like “YO! Panic has the cover of rolling stone!?! Yo, fuck these dudes, were gonna go fucking miles above! Were gonna hit every fucking continent there is known to man!” But they didn’t! Because they missed a second of time, apparently. They were like “oh shit we got every continent.” And they didn’t actually hit it. Dude, Pete was like “WHAT THE FUCK!” oh you didn’t fuckin’ make the continent. Its like fuck you! So from under the cork tree happens, we fuckin have three, four years of awesomeness! Like people are cumming on themselves its so big! So fall out boy was like, so Patrick’s like “yo were gonna name this record from under the cork tree and from infinity in high.” Pete was like “yo, folie a deux means, the theatric of two.” Fall out boy was like “yo, we gotta take a break” meaning, Pete was like “yo, we gotta take a break bro” and Patrick’s like, “i need time for my music! YAAAAAAHHHH!” And joes like “yo, I need time to find the fuckin’ art dude I gotta find some fuckin’ meau-metal.” And Andy’s like “I’m just gonna play with some fuckin metal bands.” And they were like, “alright, this breaks been like three years long. Two years long. Three years long. Three and a half. we gotta fuckin’ come back dude. We gotta come back STRONG! We gotta make this shit legit. Its gonna be fuckin dope. Its gonna go fuckin sky high. Were gonna make a fuckin record that sails the skies. Were gonna call this record… Save Rock And Roll.” So they made alone together, light em up, alone together, phoenix. And everyone’s like “what the fuck? You’re working with this guy who fuckin recorded avril lavigne and pink!” Pete was like “yo, were gonna end up in tour with Panic! At the disco and Twenty pilots.” And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that’s how the fucking story goes.

PATRICK STUMP KEYCHARMS 

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