(quivering, timid, frightened) What if that terrible thing we have been fearing for months happens?
(bold, fearless, forceful) Then when and if it does happen we will deal with it just like we've dealt with every other so-called "crisis" in the past. I don't have time to worry about this. We'll just deal with it when the time comes.
A recent study in the prestigious science journal “Nature”showed that test subjects preferred getting mild but painful electric shocks to sitting alone with their own thoughts. Religious texts from Hinduism, Buddhism. Sikhism and even the Abrahamic religions all speak of the pain overthinking brings to us.
But why? Why should our own minds cause us to suffer?
The reason is two-fold.
The first is boredom. The modern mind is used to a bombardment of sensory input. Images on media, phones, soundtrack, blaring music, machine sounds, traffic sounds and loud noises. In ancient times sounds were the sounds of nature and there were no loud noises except for the rare thunderclap. People didn’t read. There were no machines.There were few bright colors. Human beings had the hunter’s ability to remain still and quiet for long periods of time. We have lost this ability unless we specifically train for it. Consequently, we become instantly bored if not receiving constant sensory input. We use this as punishment for our worst criminals who are put in small cells with no sensory stimulation.
The second is egoic self-criticism. Our ego is a natural part of us. It is that part of our “mind” which spurs us on to do the things we need to do in order to survive. It also pushes us to be more attractive to mates and more materially successful so that we are secure in our lives. The problem is that when left alone that voice will often ruminate i.e. chew the same thoughts over and over again. As it does this it generates anxiety as a low-level feeling of fear in our abdomen. This fear may build. This feeling is painful and persistent even to the point of blowing things way out of proportion or even, strange as this may be, making things up to create artificial fears.
“Artificial amateurs, aren’t at all amazing Artificialis, I assault, animate things Broken barriers…”, you mumbled to yourself while stirring your egg and tapped along when he came in.
“One: You rap. Who the hell listens to rap. I mean there is beautiful rock, why rap?”
Your head shot up and you raised a brow to see Dean standing in the door frame. He had this mocking little grinn on his face not letting you know what he meant.
“What is it this time, Dean? Just go get Sam for breakfast.”, you told him and he left without answering.
You were talking to Sam about a case and what you found out when he interrupted you.
“Two: You talk alot. Especially when you’re on a roll with a case.”
“Dean what are you talking about?”, you asked him obviously irritated but he just stood up and walked away with a grin on his face.
“Screw you, Dean!”, you yelled and rolled your eyes.
“What was that about?”, Sam asked but you just shrugged.
“Three: You swear a lot.” His head appeared in the door frame and you threw a paper ball at him but he just catched it.
“Jackass.”, you mumbled under your breath and ignored him.
You decided to take a shower after a workout. Sam had left so you went out of the bathroom with just a towel around your body and met Dean in your room.
“Hey baby. What’s up?”, you asked searching for your clothes.
“Four: You leave the door unlocked when you shower.”
You took a deep breath before you turned around and looked at him trying to understand what he was doing. “Dean, you okay?”, you asked and a raised a brow.
“Five: You worry too much.”
You groaned and took your stuff while rolling your eyes at him. He started to really annoy you and he wouldn’t stop. You got dressed and when you turned around you bumped into his chest.
“Dean, what are you doing, for gods sake?!”, you yelled at him.
“Six: You get annoyed really fast.”
“I’m going to slap you.”
“Seven: You’re agressive.”
“Are you counting my flaws?” Your eyes widened and this time you were really mad understanding what he was doing.
“I might not be perfect but you don’t have to be cruel.”
“Eight: You have a low self-esteem.”
“Dean, please stop.”, you asked him but he just grinned.
“Nine: You’re clingy.”
“Alright. That’s enough. Go fuck yourself.”, you growled and shoved him aside to leave the room before you would actually slap him in his stupid face. If this was one of his damn jokes you would kick him in his balls. But he grabbed your wrist and turned you around to press you against his chest.
“For the love of god, one more and I’ll kill you.”, you said and glared at him.
“Dean.”, you threatened him but he just smiled.
“I can’t actually think of a tenth one.”, he chuckled and you pinched his nippel.
“You better. Now let me go.”, you said not amused but he just kept hugging you.
“You know what those things are?”, he asked insted and you groaned.
“I don’t know, Dean. I don’t wanna know. Just let me…”
“10 things I hate about you.”
Woah. That was harsh and he was still smiling. Was he serious? Yeas he was, why wouldn’t he be.
“Oh…okay, I guess.”, you said insecure and tried to get out of his hug.
“This would say someone who knew you for..let’s say a year. Maybe a friend. Things that annoy them.”, he explained and it wasn’t helping at all.
“Good to know. Can I go now?”, he was really getting under your skin and you didn’t like that. Neither could you look in his eyes.
“But I know better then that…” Your head shot up and your eyes met his. “I know that you talk alot about a case for example because you are excited to solve that case. You really want to save people so you get all talkative and excited.” You furrowed your brows. That took a different turn then you thought.
“I know that you swear alot and you can be pretty agressive because you grew up with three brothers. You had to keep up with them and show yourself. You saved my life several times because you can hit hard. I know that you leave the doors inside of the house unlocked because you got attacked one time in a locked room. You need the thought of being able to run at any time. I know you worry about things because you care. Not because you’re insecure. No, you want everyone you love to be happy. You hold on to people so much because you lost so many loved one’s you stopped counting. And everything people who don’t really know you might hate about, are my favourite things about you. Because these things make you who you are and I love every bit of it.”
“Are you… insane?”, was the only thing what left your mouth after a long silence and he laughed. “No, not completely at least. Your self esteem went lower and lower in the last couple of weeks that I needed to do something. So I showed you your possible flaws which are not flaws at all.”, he explained himself and you smacked his shoulder. “You could’ve told me that like a normal person, you dumbass.”
“You wouldn’t have accepted it, if I told you how much you are worth to me. This way, I got you to listen to me.”, he grinned proudly and you rolled your eyes.
“And that’s what you get, loving a Winchester.”
“Oh shut up.”, you said and pressed your lips against his to wipe away his grin.
Summary: when you can’t control your lust for blood anymore, a decision is made that will affect you all forever
Prompt requests: 1, 4, 5 and 16
The bright lamp burned your tired eyes as you stared at it. It was like ever since you had become a vampire on that hunt with the boys, everything was heightened. Your vision, your sense of smell, your hearing, even your hunger… Especially your hunger. You had tried so hard to just drink from blood bags, but it was nothing compared to blood straight from the vein.
I have a 6-year old Grandnephew who is smart as a whip. He and I have often hung out and performed scientific experiments with electricity, chemistry or crystals. He and his family are going on vacation and I am going to pet sit his two pet iguanas. As he leaves he says to me in all seriousness “don’t do experiments on them or turn them into anything”.