SHES-SO-ANNOYING

Cliffnotes to Mythology!Simone
The Basics
  • Name: Athena
  • Known As: Simone Baptiste
  • Sexual Orientation: Asexual
  • Occupation: French Intelligence Agent
  • Age: 29

Brief Biography & Facts
  • Athena reincarnates every century or so when she gets annoyed by the failed human endeavors and wishes to take matters into her own hands.
  • Simone grew up poor with a man who was not her mortal birth father, but she paid that no mind. Her thoughts were always on bigger things than the drama of her own birth. Math was her first love, then came music. She learned quickly (almost too quickly if one were to ask her teachers) and with her growing intellect, she won scholarships and competitions that helped provide for her family.
  • The realization that she was in fact a goddess in human form didn’t come to her until she became a teenager. The thought came to her fully formed and clad in armor and Simone never questioned this fact.
  • She was in the marching band in high school and played the trumpet. She tells no one this, but she does still play the trumpet from time to time.
  • After graduating university a year early, Simone joined the French Army for a year. Her original intent was to rise in the ranks of the military, but instead sought for DGSI, the french internal intelligence agency. She found that her skills would be more useful there than as a soldier. 
  • Her rise within the agency was quick although it surprised no one who knew her how quickly she became one of the best agents. She uses to position to not only assist her country, but to also search for other gods and goddesses. She feels herself responsible for making sure that no one spills their secret given her position. 
  • On the weekends, she helps her good friend Marie (Artemis) with the girls’ camp that she runs. 
  • She has a small tattoo of an owl on her left shoulder blade. Most people who have seen it usually wind up dead or arrested.

I was just remembering a D&D campaign I played a few years ago. I was playing a sneaky rogue. At one point before leaving on a quest, during some down-time, I’d had her pay a baker to make some bread chock-full of deadly nightshade berries. In the following quest, we were supposed to rescue this princess chick who’d been kidnapped by some evil sorcerer or something. And she was so fucking annoying, complaining about how slowly we’d been rescuing her, acting really shifty whenever we asked her any questions, making weird sexual promises to the Paladin, and whining about being hungry. So I offered her a chunk of my bread.

DM, who obviously had plans for this character: Is this the deadly nightshade bread? Yeah, she’s not gonna eat that.

Me: Why not? She said she was starving.

DM: Is that enough to kill her?

Me: I dunno. I think I read it takes 3 berries to kill a toddler. That chunk probably has, like, 20. If it doesn’t kill her, she’ll get terrible digestive issues, hallucinate like crazy, maybe convulse, and probably wish she was dead.

DM: Wouldn’t she taste something funny?

Me: Nope, the berries are supposedly pretty delicious.

DM: Well… she… she’s suspicious about why you’re giving it to her.

Me: Why the fuck is she suspicious? I’m rescuing her, and she said she’s hungry. I’m being nice. And she’s being rude.

DM: W-well… Paladin, aren’t you going to warn her about the nightshade?

Paladin: I wasn’t there when she paid the baker. I think it’s just bread.

Sorcerer: None of us knew. And she has no reason not to eat it.

DM *getting frustrated now*: Okay, fine! She takes it and… there’s a loud bang from further back in the cave, and she gets startled and drops it.

Me: What the hell. Here I am rescuing you, I give you my bread, and you insult me like this?

DM *playing as the princess*: Oh, uh, tee-hee? Sorry?

Me: Well don’t worry, princess. Of course I didn’t give you the whole loaf. Here, have another slice.

DM: She’s not hungry anymore.

Ranger: Bullshit. Eat up, princess.

DM: SUDDENLY THE EVIL SORCERER IS HERE, NO TIME FOR BREAD.

I just got off the phone with my mother, so get ready for another installment of Weird Tales From Rural Massachusetts:

So the neighbors with a pig farm have apparently had a LARGE SCALE escape, because there is “a big herd” of pigs roaming loose in the back woods. My mother discovered this while walking her dog, who promptly stampeded the entire herd into the local brewery tasting room’s parking lot (presumably to the dismay of their customers and staff).

The unsupervised pigs are a problem because A) pigs are BIG, can be aggressive, and do massive ecological damage, and B) my parents’ property is going to be part of a local charity hike next week, which means 30-50 unsuspecting hikers will be walking through what is now Sovereign Pig Territory. Also, one pig died, so there’s a Carcass Problem (that the local coyotes are not taking care of quickly enough) as well as the hazards posed by its living relatives.

my mother has called the farm, which has had no result (aside from a different neighbor showing up to butcher some sides of bacon off the Problematic Carcass), and has therefore had to contact the hike organizers and be like “so we have a problem you should maybe warn people about……”

  • half of the characters on this show: *kills and/or tortures people on a daily basis*
  • the fandom: MY BABY!1!!! THAT'S MY SON/DAUGHTER YOU GUYS AND I WILL LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK uwu
  • lee: *breathes*
  • the fandom: SHE IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING OMG!!!11! JUST GET RID OF HER!! GO AWAY YOU'RE SO MEAN!!!!11!1 GO FALL IN A DITCH LOL
SOCK AU: THE EXPLANATION

i have gotten exactly one (1) ask about it SO HERE WE ARE LET’S GO

AU takes place on earth in the far FAR future in a ginormous supercity called Lucid; nonhumans make up 90% of the population (the 10% that are humans usually have some sort of mutation / supernatural ability too). Brief Lucid summary - it was initially created by aliens to be used as an intergalactic terminal/pit stop after the port in the asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter got overrun by space pirates. It ended up growing into a prosperous commerce hub for beings from all over the universe - and beings from other realms altogether (like spirits / demons).

Lucid is comprised of DOZENS of districts, each huge and like a world of their own, but the AU is focused in district 3.* It used to be a beautiful, peaceful area called Altea, where diplomats from all over the universe gathered for meetings - but that was before an organisation called the Galra Empire overthrew Altea’s ruling court and put the district on lockdown. GE’s been controlling the area for years - fortunately it can’t extend its reach to districts outside of 3rd, but the empire leader Zarkon is trying to get Above that. Wants to conquer all six central districts and control the spaceport.

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girl so instead of apologizing of actually mocking the buddhist cookie by squinting ur eyes u just basically curved it n blamed headlines even tho the pic is literally showing what u did n what ppl r mad at u for


girl gbye, maybe we’ll see u next year