•Kids like to flip dimes and nickels when they’re bored
• Beavers are cool
• Even Old people can here cars driving by
• the people who created the Sat don’t know that 25 minutes is not enough time for a non calculator section
• People pretend to like you when they really don’t
• National parks are important
• Ceres is better than Neptune and Uranus
• Force people to except your “Dimond” food
• When you have to compete with 18 other companies you can no longer sell AA batteries
Yeah this is totally going to help me in College. Thanks College Board.
My flight got cancelled due to a raging typhoon, so I decided to whip out my past books and start studying for the math placement tests coming up. And here I thought that my days with the AP and SATS were over.
if you want another example of why the american education system is shit, we have to take “practice” psats in 9th/10th grades and the real test in 11th grade, only “psat” is “practice SAT” so we.. practice for practicing for the SATs. and, to make things worse, depending on whether youre on the east or west coast, your state either only cares about the ACTs or the SATs, and i live in a ACT state. this means i spend two years practicing for the PSAT, then take a big ol test to practice the SAT, and then the test that REALLY matters is the ACT, a completely different test.
How to write a bomb ass essay (For SATs, APs, and all your other essay-writing needs)
This is based on my AP literature class, and so I will be using examples that relate to literature essays. But you can expand this beyond that.
Basically if you can write three sentences, you can write a bomb ass essay.
First write your thesis. Yes I know, writing a thesis sucks! It’s hard to think of something to say when you don’t actually care about what you’re writing. But DO IT. It doesn’t have to be good. It does have to be something you can argue about. Not a fact or a description but an argument. Write it three lines down the page.
Now come up with two topic sentences. Each topic sentence is going to be a mini-thesis that argues your thesis from a specific angle. If you’d like you can put these angles into your thesis itself. (For example your thesis could be “Shakespeare’s Hamlet uses dramatic irony and Christian spirituality in Claudius’ monologue to discuss themes of control.” Then your first topic sentence would be “Hamlet explores themes of control through dramatic irony in Claudius’ monlogue” and your secont topic sentence would be “Clauius’ exploration of spirituality illuminates the themes of control in Hamlet.” I’m sure at least five kids in my AP Lit class used those exact sentences for our Hamlet essay.)
Put one of your topic sentences below your thesis. Now you do the stoplight paragraph/hamburger paragraph/whatever weird metaphor your teachers used to discuss paragraph structure. It sounds like bullshit but it works. Use two examples from the text. (If I were talking about dramatic irony and Claudius, for example, I would probably use the fact that Claudius doesn’t know Hamlet is listening, and that Hamlet doesn’t know Claudius isn’t actually praying. Or something like that.) It should look like this:
“Topic sentence. For example, thing that happens in the text. Explanation of why this has to do with the topic sentence. Another sentence of explanation. A third explanation sentence, if you need it. Another example of this is other thing that happens in the text. Explanation of why this has anything to do with the topic sentence. Once again this can be a few sentences long. Example one and example two show that restatement of the topic sentence.”
Now skip a line and do the same thing with your other topic sentence.
Congratulations! You have just written a bomb ass essay!
Your essay isn’t finished, but you have the most important parts of it, which are your arguments. If you have time now, write a conclusion. I know conclusions are awful, but do it. Honestly conclusions are still a mystery to me, but I know they start with restating your thesis and end with bullshitting one or two sentences in order to sound like you know what you’re doing. Even if you don’t do the bullshitting part, restate your thesis. This is something graders look for. Also, restating your thesis does not have to be a fancy reevaluation of your writing. It means writing the exact same sentence with some words switched around. My usual tactic is to write my original thesis as “Work uses x and y to show theme” and rewrite it as “Theme of work is clear through x and y.”
If you still have time after that, go back up to to the top and write an introduction. (This is a good step to do if you have time, but it isn’t necessary. If you don’t have time or don’t think you’ll write a good introduction, don’t. I didn’t write an introduction to any of my AP lit essays and I got a 5 on the test.) Alternatively you can read over your essay and edit it.
I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times before and it sounds condescending, but I swear to you this is what we spent more than half of my AP English class working on. (The other half was like actually reading books and stuff.) It wasn’t until halfway through the year (my senior year mind you) that I actually understood how to use this structure, and some kids in my class never fully got it. I promise you that if you stick to this model (the crux of which is writing the thesis and topic sentences before anything else), you will pass your AP literature test, and you will absolutely slay the SATs. (The SATs will be so impressed that you know what an argument is and how to write a paragraph that they won’t care whether your writing is any good or your argument makes sense.)
I hope someone finds this helpful. (<–this is me sucking at conclusions.)