• Friend: Are you okay?
  • Me to myself: To my recollection, Eliza is the only character who has a pony tail in act two, which is kinda weird. Except, if you think about it, all the characters in act 1 are fighting in a war. But Eliza's battles are in act 2. Her husband's affair, the loss of her son, Alexander's death, and her 50 year struggle to preserve his legacy from the slandering of his enemies. She also had to raise 7 other children by herself and-
  • Me: I'm fine.

Fyre Festival was the perfect buttfuck bacchanal of comedy. It was a failed music festival whose victims seem to be privileged millennials who went on to lodge exaggerated and tone-deaf complaints. And it was organized by Ja Rule. There are so many punchlines there that you need to stop to take a breather in the middle of it.

Mankind hates “hippie” festivals as a concept. Do you remember New York’s Great GoogaMooga food and music festival? It raised $75,000, which wasn’t enough to cover the damage everyone at the event did to the grass, and there was a brawl over fried chicken.

Every year when Coachella rolls, there’s a deluge of articles and Twitter one-liners about the kinds of people you’ll see at Coachella. Same with Burning Man, Bonnaroo, SXSW, whatever. If you go to it, you probably love it, but the rest of us for some reason disdain the events and the sorts of people who attend them. It’s like each one is chum for cock sharks, and we’re all Quint, just surly as shit for being eaten the last time this happened.

Why The Fyre Festival Attendees Should’ve Seen It Coming