Ruffians

2

The ladies are not having it.

An amazing art trade between myself (the boyz) and @sncinder who did such a cool job with the ladies. Please enjoy the Illyrian Ruffians showing off for the Ladies of the Night Court.

(click for bigger pictures)

All Leading Up to This

Our Tiefling Bard is known for doing things unconventionally. Be it the reason we are in combat or the reason we got out. Be it teaching goblins the language of music. Be it tackling literally every big bad and SOMEHOW succeeding in pinning each one to the ground. Be it for stopping a Beholder in its tracks with a bottle of Gut-Buster tossed into its gaping maw.

She has a plan for everything, but we never really knew how far until recently.

So backstory: Our Bard and Cleric were honorary members of a guild that was known for being very lawful because they had saved one of its members from certain doom. But, in a heroic display of vigilantism with their other party members against a power-hungry lord our Bard had a personal vendetta against, they had ruined a sting operation set up by this guild that had been years in the making. Now they just had one night to take this lord down before he fled the city at a very public party for his son. 

DM as Guild Leader: “I should strip the two of you of your titles for this. We were so close to exposing him for the cruelty he has inflicted on the people of this city but in ONE NIGHT YOU MANAGED TO RUIN ALL OF IT!”

Bard: “And how did we ruin anything? We cleared out that bastard’s group of ruffians and we even took some alive to confess!”

Guild Leader: “Ha! This is a lord we are talking about. He throws money at the guards and those confessions become desperate lies to avoid the gallows. And besides, by tomorrow he and his family will have left the town until this blows over.”

Cleric: “So we get him tonight.”

Guild Master: “Not possible. They are hosting a public party for his son tonight. Invitation only. Not only that, but your shenanigans today have likely doubled the guard.”

Ranger: “So what we need is stealth.”

Bard: “No… What we need are more shenanigans.”

The party goes back to the bakery in town our bard had purchased some time ago for extra coin. She had even taken points into the Cook profession to increase profits. Once there, she uses the Clothier’s Closet spell and creates some clothes from a diamond she had. One is a noble outfit for herself and the rest are cook’s outfits.

She and her workers manage to create a very large cake with a hollow middle. The ranger and cleric got inside the cake, dressed as cooks and holding the gear we would need. Our Bard posed as the boss and our Elven Dragon Shaman (Who had maxed out Intimidation) would be her assistant.

The plan would be our Bard would pose as the owner of a fledgling service that delivered dancing women in cakes hired by either the lord or by a friend of his son. Upon encountering the guard at the gate, she managed to play her part well, insisting that she accompany the cake inside so that “someone doesn’t take a fancy to these bimbos and I lose profits for nine months.” Miraculously, they make it inside and are left alone in a room.

Dragon Shaman: “I can’t believe that worked.”

Bard: “Why wouldn’t it? Best kind of stealth is going in like you are supposed to be there.”

The Bard changes into her Noble outfit to infiltrate the guests and the Ranger notices something.

Ranger: “Wait a minute. You made enough cook’s outfits for everyone.”

Bard: “I did.”

Ranger: “So then why did we have to pretend to be strippers inside a cake?!”

The Bard sighs and says: “Look. I did not just spend about 120 gold setting this up to NOT see two beautiful women emerge from a giant cake!”

DM: “You know what *Bard’s Name*? Go ahead and gain 100XP for this. All of this. Just… How long have you been planning this?”

The Bard OOC: “Since I bought the bakery.”

This was 8 months ago.

Voltron Swears

·        Pidge and Keith probably have the biggest potty mouths

Like Pidge has very colourful language, and uses a variety of curses at random

It freaks out the rest of the team because she’s so small, and the language she uses can be so vulgare at times

Lance and Hunk laugh whenever she swears around the team; Shiro is appalled.

  Like how could one so smol and innocent be able to curse like a sailor!

·    Keith doesn’t really care either way   His own foul language is mostly composed of the word ‘fuck’, which he uses frequently in different tones depending on the situation

Like when his lion gets hit, or he loses a round in training, it’s a short and angry ‘Fuck’

When he’s pissed off at someone it’s a loud burst ‘FUCK off!’ or ‘Fuck you!’ that makes the rest team jump in alarm

When he’s annoyed it’s a drawn out ‘fuuuckk’

And when it’s Lance nuzzling at his neck it’s a soft, mumbled ‘fuck’

He also flips people/aliens off a lot, and will often end a conversation by holding up two middle fingers and walking backwards out of a room

·        Shiro doesn’t really swear, out loud anyways.

He curses a lot in his head though, but has a really good poker face, so no one ever knows what he’s thinking

Besides “patience yields focus”

He almost lost it a few times with Slav though

·        Hunk tends to swear only when he’s in really stressful situations, but they aren’t actual swears

They’re more like utterances of ‘darn’ and ‘crap’

It’s hilarious and Lance will nearly piss himself laughing whenever he “curses”

Hunk once dropped a plate of space goo and muttered ‘oh for craps sake’ and Shiro, absolutely straight faced, said “Language Hunk.”

Everyone went silent, and Hunk looked ready to die of embarrassment not knowing if Shiro was being serious or not

But then Keith, of all people, began to chuckle, and the gig was up

Now whenever Hunk curses they all go “Language Hunk,” and Shiro mumbles something about a ‘swear jar’

·        Lance also tends not to swear, seeing as he came from a large family with smaller children

He tends to use playful expressions like ‘what the cheese’ and things like that

There are times, however, when he’ll switch to Spanish, which is like, level two anger for Lance

He can string long Spanish curses together and go on a rant whenever he feels the need, and it’s entertaining to watch, seeing as he’s very expressive with his hands, but also a bit intimidating, since none of them know what he’s saying

Sometimes he’ll just spout a bunch of random words to make his rant a little more impressive

He’ll also murmur Spanish curses whenever he and Keith go at it, which Keith loves, since it means Lance is in an entirely different world of pleasure

Level three swears for Lance are scary.

Like, he is pissed off.

When Lance uses actual swear words you know you done fucked up

·        Allura and Coran swear as well, but in Altean, so the others don’t really know what they’re saying (like with Lance)

Coran uses his curses efficiently, sticking them into conversation wherever he feels they’re needed

Allura, on the other hand, is much like Pidge, and has an impressive vocabulary when it comes to curse words

Coran is used to it for the most part, but there are times when she gets really mad and he has to remind himself that, yes, she is a princess, and not some ruffian raised in a bar

The others pick up certain words as well, and use them randomly, which is all very comical, until Lance accidently called an important diplomat a word he heard Allura use once, and said diplomat happened to know the Altean language.

Needless to say Allura had to do some extensive ass-kissing to make up for that one

Coran decided to teach tell them what the words meant after that, and the team had never seen Lance go so red

Keith still makes fun of him for it

signs as The Adventure Zone quotes

aries: i very flirtatiously hit it with my warhammer

taurus:  and instead of using castor sugar like i normally would, i went with uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰ splenda

gemini:  PERCEPTION CHECK i want to see if he wet his pants

cancer:  no dogs are allowed on the moon. they just run right off the goddamn thing

leo: “the second ruffian –” “give them names.” “ –……..craigory”

virgo:  it covers all of his essential, uh, oils, but it does say “juicy” where his butt would be

libra: “and when i take my hand away, i’ve stuck a ‘kick me’ sign on his back” ”i kick him”

scorpio:  i need to do a check to see if him being on fire gives me the idea for spicy food

saggitarius:  somewhere in the distance, ludacris smiles

capricorn: “you run up and tear the box open, it explodes, you die. no, you tear the box open, it DOESN’T explode, you DON’T die –” “i’m fine either way.”

aquarius: abracafuck you!

pisces: the three of you walk into this room singing showtunes, and everyone inside this building looks at you, and kills you

INDIE SONGS THAT EVERYONE LIKES

1. In the Sun by She & Him

2. Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

3.Eighth Avenue by Hospitality

4. Lets Go Surfing by The Drums

5. Submarine Symphonika by The Submarines

6. Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear

7. Fader by The Temper Trap

8. The Wire by HAIM

9. Soft Shock by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

10. Come Home by Chappo

11. After The Disco by Broken Bells

12. Overdose by Little Daylight

13. My Number by Foals

14. Holiday by Vampire Weekend

15.Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley

16. I’m Good, I’m Gone by Lykke Li

17. In / Out by Dan Croll

18. We’re From Barcelona by I’m From Barcelona

19. Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie

20. Elevate by St Lucia

21. Gobbledigook by Sigur R¢s

22. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) by Arcade Fire

23. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) by of Montreal

24. Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games by of Montreal

25. Someday by The Strokes

26.Read My Mind by The Killers

27. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

28.Better Times by Beach House

29. Kids by MGMT

30. Trojans by Atlas Genius

31. Mountain Sound by Of Monsters And Men

32. Take A Walk by Passion Pit

33. My Boys by Taken By Trees

34. Bruises by Chairlift

35. 11th Dimension by Julian Casablancas

36. My Moon My Man by Feist

37. Lisztomania by Phoenix

38. We Turn It Up by Oh Land

39. Daylight by Matt and Kim

40. Animal by Miike Snow

41. I’m A Lady (Feat. Trouble Andrew) by Santigold

42. Permanent Hesitation by Born Ruffians

43. The Ghost Inside by Broken Bells

44.Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

45. Harlem by New Politics

46. 1234 by Feist

47. Young Folks by Peter Bjorn & John

48. You, Me and the Bourgeoisie by The Submarines

49. That’s Not My Name by The Ting Tings

50. Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis

51. Afternoon by Youth Lagoon

52. Go Outside by Cults

53. Actor Out Of Work by St. Vincent

54.French Navy by Camera Obscura

55. Tongue Tied by Grouplove

56. Crazy by Au Revoir Simone

57. Fidelity by Regina Spektor

58. Cameo Lover by Kimbra

59. Float by Pacific Air

60. Houdini by Foster The People

An Unconventional Alignment

Context: The Lost Mines of Phandelver Starter Set, just after the Sleeping Giant tap house battle with the Redbrand Ruffians.  Playing D&D with my little brother and father.  My dad’s character’s alignment is Lawful Good.

Dad: “I decapitate the two dead ruffians, tie their hair together, and drag the living one in front of the Redbrand hideout.  I throw the heads into the burned-out ruins of the manor and bellow, ‘This is what happens when you mess with adventurers!  If you want the same fate, meet us as The Stonehill Inn!’  And I thrust my greatsword through the captive ruffian’s back, and it explodes out the other side of him.“ 

Me, the DM: "What is your moral alignment again?" 

Dad: "My alignment is Fucking Pissed!”

  • my child: h...h-h...
  • me: oh my gosh!!!! your first word!!
  • my child: h-h...hercules MULLIGAN !!!!11!!1! A TAILOR SPYIN ON THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT, I TAKE THEIR MEASUREMENTS, INFORMATION AND THEN I SMUGGLE IT-
  • me: ...UP.
  • my child: TO MY BROTHER'S REVOLUTIONARY COVENANT I'M RUNNING WITH THE SONS OF LIBERTY AND I AM LOVIN IT, SEE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN U UP AGAINST THE RUFFIANS WE IN THE SHIT NOW SOMEBODY GOTTA SHOVEL IT HERCULES MULLIGAN I NEED NO INTRODUCTION WHEN YOU KNOCK ME DOWN I GET THE FUCK BACK UP AGAIN
  • me: (through tears) beautiful.

` ° • ✧ TANGLED SENTENCE STARTERS.

’ Call it what you will… fate… destiny… ’
’ You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose. ’
’ Really let that seep in. ’
’ What are you getting? ’
’ Your thoughts? ’
’ I don’t know why, but overall it just smells like the color brown. ’
’ I could get used to a view like this. ’
’ Yep, I’m used to it. Guys I want a castle. ’
’ Great. Now I’m the bad guy. ’
’ Look in that mirror. ’
’ I see a strong, confident, beautiful young lady. ’
’ Oh look, you’re here too. ’
’ Skip the drama, stay with Mama! ’
’ This is the story of how I died. ’
’ Don’t worry, this is actually a very fun story and the truth is, it isn’t even mine. ’
’ Oh… oh no… where is my satchel? ’
’ I’ve hidden it. Somewhere you’ll never find it. ’
’ It’s in that pot, isn’t it? ’
’ I’m just teasing! ’
’ How you manage to do that every single day without fail! ’
’ It looks absolutely exhausting, darling! ’
’ Then I don’t know why it takes so long. ’
’ Oh, it’s nothing. ’
’ Who are you, and how did you find me? ’
’ I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you. ’
’ May I just say… Hi. How ya doin’? ’
’ You were my new dream. ’
’ You should know that this is the strangest thing I’ve ever done! ’
’ Let’s just assume for the moment that everyone in here doesn’t like me! ’
’ How ‘bout best two out of three? ’
’ Who’s that? ’
’ They don’t like me. ’
’ Too weak to handle myself out there, huh, ______? ’
’ Go. Live your dream. ’
’ Your dream stinks. I was talking to her. ’
’ I was saying tomorrow is a really big day, and you didn’t really respond. ’
’ I distinctly remember, your birthday was last year. ’
’ No no no, can’t be. ’
’ That’s the funny thing about birthdays, they’re kind of an annual thing. ’
’ You know how I feel about the mumbling. ’
’ Blah blah blah blah blah, it’s very annoying! ’
’ I’m just teasing, you’re adorable. ’
’ I love you so much, darling. ’
’ Let me just get this straight. ’
’ I take you to see the lanterns, bring you back home, and you’ll give me back my satchel? ’
’ When I promise something, I never ever break that promise. ’
’ I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. ’
’ This is kind of an off-day for me. This doesn’t normally happen. ’
’ Fine! I’ll take you to see the lanterns. ’
’ You broke my smolder. ’
’ Here comes the smolder. ’
’ This is bad, this is very very bad, this is really bad… ’
’ They just can’t get my nose right! ’
’ Who cares? ’
’ Well, it’s easy for you to say… ’
’ The party lasted an entire week, and honestly, I don’t remember most of it. ’
’ I’ve been dreaming about them my entire life! ’
’ Haven’t any of you ever had a dream? ’
’ What’s your dream? ’
’ Sorry, boys. I don’t sing. ’
’ Well, I hope you’re here to apologize. ’
’ I have something for you too. ’
’ I should have given it to you before, but I was scared. ’
’ And the thing is, I’m not scared anymore. ’
’ You know what I mean? ’
’ All right, okay, give me a boost, and I’ll pull you up. ’
’ I just… I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through together, you don’t… trust me? ’
’ Sorry… my hands are full. ’
’ I’ve been looking out of a window for eighteen years. ’
’ And what if it is? What do I do then? ’
’ What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be? ’
’ Well, that’s the good part I guess. ’
’ You get to go find a new dream. ’
’ That’s a lot of hair. ’
’ Oh, now they’re just being mean. ’
’ I can’t believe I did this! ’
’ I mean, what she doesn’t know won’t kill her, right? ’
’ I have made the decision to trust you. ’
’ So, what do you want with my hair? To cut it? ’
’ Listen, the only thing I want to do with your hair is to get out of it… ’
’ I have a big surprise! ’
’ Did I ever tell you I’ve got a thing for brunettes? ’
’ Is it ruffians? Thugs? Have they come for me? ’
’ Stay calm. It can probably smell fear. ’
’ You should see your faces because you look - ’
’ I didn’t see that coming. ’
’ But I know what the big question is? ’
’ So! Hey can I ask you something? ’
’ Because I’m not gonna lie, that would be stupendous… ’
’ Is there any chance that I’m going to get super strength in my hand? ’
’ Oh. Sorry yes, just… lost in thought I guess. ’
’ Whoaaaa! Somebody get me a glass! ’
’ Frying pans… who knew, right? ’
’ Sorry! Just, don’t… don’t freak out. ’
’ Is that blood in your mustache? ’
’ Look at all the blood in his mustache! ’
’ I can’t help but notice you seem a little at war with yourself here. ’
’ Now, I’m only picking up bits and pieces here, of course. ’
’ A little rebellion, a little adventure, that’s good. Healthy, even. ’
’ I mean, this is serious stuff. ’
’ But let me ease your conscience. This is part of growing up. ’
’ You’re way over thinking this, trust me. ’
’ I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m letting you out of the deal. ’
’ What is it going to take for me to get my satchel back? ’
’ You can’t tell anyone about this, okay? ’
’ Well, I’ve gotta say, I didn’t know you had that in you back there. ’
’ Now, I know I’m not supposed to mention the hair. ’
’ Frankly, I’m too scared to ask about the frog. ’
’ If you want to see the lanterns so badly, why haven’t you gone before? ’
’ Why would you ask such a ridiculous question? ’
’ I’ve spent my entire life hiding from people who would use me for my power… ’
’ That criminal is to be hanged for his crimes. ’
’ Hmm. I have magic hair that glows when I sing. ’
NSFW

THE CONTEXT: I’m currently DMing for the first time and we’re totally doing a run through of the lost mines of Phandelver, We have finally made it to the red brand ruffian encounter at the sleeping Giant, my little troop decimated them but left one alive to interrogate. After getting the information they needed, my rogue decides to break their neck.

Rogue (OOC): So I’m going to snap their neck.

Me: Okay, roll a strength check I guess?

Rogue: [rolls a 1]

Me:

Me:

Me: Okay, So you gently choke him  and he jizzes in his pants.

Earlier the Rogue had received some Ale from the Sleeping Giant
Rogue: (OOC):  I roll to drink my ale 

Me: You don’t ha-

Rogue: [rolls a 1 AGAIN]

Me, rolling with it: You miss and dump the whole thing on your face, you are now covered in jizz and ale

After several minutes of my team trying and failing to put the poor sod out of his misery, (a constant array of poor rolls, all 1’s!!) the Rogue finally manages to roll a nat 20.

Me: Okay,,, You snap their neck so hard it ends up turning to mush, just a total crumpled flesh soda can. Yuck. There is now jizz, ale and blood, everywhere

Rogue: I walk into the sleeping Giant and say “Clean up on aisle porch” Mic drop.

flickr

Mickey’s Royal Friendship Faire by shanntasmic