Relationships with asexual people in them are not more or less valid, meaningful, or fulfilling than relationships with non-asexual people in them. There are no objective pros and cons to being with an asexual person that make those relationships more or less authentic and beautiful than relationships with non-asexual people. It is not only important to challenge the idea that relationships with asexuals are inferior, but it is also important not to perpetuate the idea that relationships with asexuals are superior. Otherwise, we are perpetuating the very same attitudes that harm our community.
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It is okay to use the asexual identity as an anchor in the process of trying to figure out your identity. Some people know who they are right away, but others struggle to define themselves throughout their entire life. If calling yourself asexual at a point in time helps you on your journey to finding you despite any uncertainties you may have, then it will not be a waste even if you later decide it wasn’t who you are. I don’t have a right to deny you that identity on the basis of your own uncertainty and/or any atypical behaviors, feelings, and thoughts you may have as an asexual person.
A thousand years ago dragons were common. The eggs were found, collected, then brought to the royal and the rich to raise and train and then breed to have more. After a few brutal attacks, the tamed dragons were killed with sharp blades made from their ancestor’s bones and the wild were hunted.
A thousand years later there is only one, a knight’s steed that had been protected fiercely by a castleful of guards. The dragon was not feared, it was merely tolerated though there was always the risk of it being killed.
Most feared dragons, if they had found an egg they would’ve destroyed it on the spot, but there are those few that would rather have them as steeds and companions. People like Raenar. He stood proudly at the altar where his marriage would commence. Briefly his eyes wandered to a bare maiden, looking down and letting his eyes linger in certain places as he looked back up.
Survivors exist in every community. The asexuality community needs to be inclusive of its survivor population. We often worry too much about how people will perceive our community, if there is validity in the idea that one’s asexual identity stems from traumatic experience. In actuality, the impact of trauma on one’s identity does not make that identity any less real and one doesn’t need to deny themselves said identity in order to heal from traumatic experience. Instead of rejecting the idea that survivors can be asexual due to trauma, we need to work on giving survivors a voice in our community. This will only make our community stronger and more receptive to people’s needs. If we continue to push survivors away from our community in fear of invalidation, we’re actually handing over power to those who try to use experiences such as trauma to invalidate our identities. We’re valuing the opinion of non-asexuals over asexual survivors, and that needs to change.