I'm a Guardian Demon
Yeah, you read that right. We’re by no means requested as much as those feathery dick-muffins, but we take our job just as seriously. ‘Course, we’ve gotta go about it a bit differently. No sense in doing the same damn thing - we’re summoned for a reason.
Guardian angels work pretty much exactly how you think. They look out for you, having you trip on the sidewalk to avoid getting hit by a car and whatnot. They love tangling with the threads of fate, plucking a string here and tying a loose end there. And while they’re great at predicting things short-term, they suck donkey balls long-term.
So for every time someone’s told you “you must have a guardian angel looking out for you!” after narrowly dodging that falling AC unit, that same snobby urinal cake won’t do jack shit about that crushing heartbreak. “They need to learn,” they’ll say. “Now they’ll appreciate the next one more,” they’ll say. Fuckers have a circle jerk on their high horses while you suffer. Moral code my ass.
But that’s where we come in. Demons ain’t got the same definition of “helping.” We torture people for eternity, and we’re damn good at it. We’re clever. We’re patient. And we love revenge stories as much as you people all hate us for it all.
Guy who cheated behind your back? Boom, chlamydia. Snot-nosed nephew hit you in the nuts? Introduce his ice cream to the ground, mother fucker. But our favorites - what we’re known for - is the waiting game.
That teacher who always graded you most harshly? Guess who’s the only casualty of the most recent school shooting. The bully who stole your lunch money every week? Now he smokes two packs a day and can barely make ends meet. The pastor who fondled you and said God wouldn’t want you to tell? I feed him lava every Tuesday downstairs. What goes around comes around, and we’re the ones coming around.
So the next time you get it into your tiny mortal skull that demons are the bad guys, remember we’re the ones dishing out the karma. We’re the ones putting the smile on your face when your ex’s new boy toy runs out on her after knocking her up. We’re the ones getting your boss fired for using company funds on hookers and blow. Oh look at who got promoted! Such surprise, much wow.
You’re fucking welcome.