Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

I still don't know if he ever got his coffee.

I’m not 100% sure this even belongs here and I’ve posted this story elsewhere so some of you might have read it already.

Some background: I work in a rather specialized area of Forensics. Officially I’m employed by Police Scotland but they tend to let other law enforcement agencies, universities, etc borrow us from time to time. A lot of the time it’s for consulting work or guest lecturing but sometimes we’re sent to teach training courses.

About 18 months ago I was asked to lecture at a training course for some of the CID higher-ups in an English Police force. It was the first time I’d done anything like it and I was crapping myself.

I met with the conveners and other officials for dinner the night before my first day, and after dinner and drinks, I was dropped back at my hotel.

So to set the scene; it’s about 10pm, I’m all dressed up in my evening wear and I’m sitting at the bar in the hotel lounge. The place is dead, it’s just me and the barman so I’ve taken off my heels and am unraveling my hair having just ordered a hot chocolate. The barman asks if I want mini marshmallows on my hot chocolate. Yes, of course I want mini marshmallows on my hot chocolate. No I don’t mind waiting while you run to the kitchen.

So I’m sit there trying to trick my phone into connecting to the hotels WiFi when Angry Man walks in.

He stomped into the room and slammed his fist down on the bar about 3 ft from me and barked out one word:

“COFFEE”

I didn’t know it but apparently that attempt at communication was aimed at me; a fact I learned a moment later when Angry Man moved right up next to me, bent over me so his face was practically in mine and barked out again;

“COFFEE”.

In an attempt to get away from the screaming coffee man I slipped off the bar stool, putting it between the two of us. Extremely confused and more than a little terrified, it didn’t immediately occur to me that he thought I worked there, hell it wasn’t even registering that he wanted a coffee. He was just repeating it the same way a toddler does when they learn a new word but don’t entirely know what it means.

I’m going to blame the confusion, fear and tiredness for my completely moronic response, which was to parrot the word back at him.

Me: “Coffee?”

Angry Man: “COFFEE”

Then he slammed his fist down on the bar again. This time I noticed that he was actually throwing down money.

My brain suddenly came back online.

Me: “Oh. Eh, the barman should be back in a sec. H-”

Angry Man: “Get me a coffee. Now.”

Ooooh four new words. Progress.

Me: “I’m sorry, mate, I don’t work here.”

Angry man (shouting now) “You fucking lazy liar!! Do you think I’m fucking stupid?”

Yes, actually, but I’ll be keeping that to myself.

Angry Man: “Get off your fucking phone and get me a shitting coffee”

Me: “I really don’t-”

Cue rant about me being the only person in the lounge so of course I must work there and I was just being lazy and did I take him for an idiot. All while I’m slowly backing away from the bar so he can’t pin me between it and the bar stools. Then he throws in this:

Angry Man: “Do you have any idea who I am? Do you have any idea how important I am?”

I never got to find out how important this guy thought he was. Instead Angry Man’s Friend came wandering in.

He took one look at me; pretty much cornered by Angry Man who is now screaming about how he’ll make sure I never work again while I’m trying to calmly tell him to back off and he tries to intervene.

He took Angry Man by the shoulders and moved him back away from me while asking him what was going on.

Angry Man: “This stupid little whore is refusing to serve me”

Me: “I really don’t work here”

Angry Man’s Friend: “She doesn’t work here. Let’s just all try to calm down”

There was a few moments of Angry Man’s Friend trying to calm Angry Man while he ranted about getting me fired until two barman arrived, one of them with my hot chocolate. The presence of the three men distracted Angry Man enough for me to grab my shoes and escape with my chocolatey goodness.

As I left I could hear him demanding to speak to a manager.

The next day, after being introduced to a lecture theater full of high ranking CID Officers, I stood and walked to the podium only to be greeted by one guy in the audience laughing hysterically.

I just sort of froze trying to figure out the joke. Did I have food on my face? Was my shirt on inside out?

A quick check confirmed that, no. I’d managed to adult that morning.

A few other people began to chuckle as this guy struggled to get a hold of himself. As he regained control he pointed to his left.

Where a very red looking Angry Man was sitting.

I think it was the sheer relief that he wasn’t actually laughing at me that caused me to open my mouth and say to Angry Man;

“Oh did you get your coffee in the end?”

He walked out and I didn’t see him for the rest of the course.

The Signs and Revenge

**Check moon, mars and lilith signs**

Aries: If you irk an Aries, their reaction will be instant. They’re not really the type to take time and plan out revenge on someone who hurt them, because everything they do is with impulse, not to mention they get over things very quickly. If they were to get revenge on someone, it wouldn’t be the strategic kind. They are known for their explosive temperaments and will not care about blowing up on someone in the middle of a crowded room. Whatever they wind up doing, they do it immediately and openly. For them, revenge is instant and they’re not the type to sit and ponder over things. It may not even count as revenge for them because they’re over things so quickly and can never really stay mad. You can probably expect days of them not talking to you but then they’ll pretty much forget it ever happened. They’re basically the definition of zero to one hundred and then right back down again. They’re very much like flash fire and you really don’t want to piss them off because their anger can be nasty, no matter how long it lasts.

Taurus: Unlike an Aries, a Taurus will carefully plan out their revenge and will take as much time as they need to ponder and then strike when they think the time is most right. Taureans are naturally loyal to the core and they care for their loved ones deeply; but the second you happen to hurt them in a way they can’t forgive, you better watch out. Taurus is a sign that never truly lets go of things until they get the person back. It takes a lot to get them angry but they can be just as vicious as a fire sign when fired up. They will often strike you where they know it hurts the most, too. They will take you to war whenever they feel the time is right and they’re not afraid to get quite vicious and cruel. For them, it’s all about not being able to let go of things. They can be just as unpredictable as a Gemini, they just take their time to strike until they’re happy with their plans. They will strike where it hurts the most and they’re definitely not a sign you want to piss off, especially because they make such great, loyal friends; but if you do them wrong once, you’re most likely done for. They don’t have time for peoples crap.

Gemini: Gemini’s are certainly the most unpredictable sign, especially when it comes to revenge. They are normally very forgiving, laid back and aloof people but it really just depends on the situation and person. Gemini’s are unpredictable in the sense that they’ll do whatever it is they want to do; and by that I mean they may get revenge or they may not. It’s all up to how they feel. This witty sign will always give you mixed signals and you will never know what is truly going on in their head. They will behave as if nothing has happened but don’t be fooled by their cool expression. Most times they will plan their revenge and then change their minds at the last minute. Remember that the Gemini’s mind is often their greatest weapon; they will always have more information on you than you may realize and they can often use this information against you as their revenge. They really are the most unpredictable sign and they’re always, always prepared. They may not be bothered by what you did in the moment and it may take months for them to react on it. It really just comes down to how their mind is working that particular day and what twin comes out to play; the more forgiving and laid back twin or the vicious one who always is prepared with information to use against you. 

Cancer: If there’s any sign who knows how to properly hold a grudge, it’s definitely cancer. They’re the kings/queens of getting revenge on people who do them wrong. They will simply set out to make the persons life miserable in any way they can, especially when it’s someone they deeply cared for in their life who happened to hurt them. Ruled by the moon, their mood swings can change in the blink of an eye and so will their revenge plans. Their once loving and nurturing nature can change drastically once you hurt them. As much as they can love someone beautifully, their revenge and personality can be just as equally ruthless towards someone who wronged them. They’ll simply feel no remorse for their actions and wont get over the situation until their revenge is carried out. They will do it in the most simple, yet hurtful way possible and will turn sour and spiteful. Never ever harm these peoples loved ones or them because it will definitely take a turn for the worst.

Leo: Like cancers, the proud and egotistical leo will hold grudges just for the hell of it. Because they’re a fire sign who mainly relies and acts on impulse, don’t expect to them sit and ponder on ideas to seek out revenge; they will act on their hurt right then and there on when it happens and they’ll most likely let everyone know about it. They’re incredibly loyal people who love deeply and most times, they will end up forgiving you for what you’ve done but it really depends on who you are. They are very proud beings who tend to ignore you out of revenge instead of discussing what happened. They can be very dramatic in the sense that they will do things to piss you off on purpose while still being able to ignore you. Since their ego is bruised so easily, they will never show their pain and normally they will withdraw to think of it on their own. Depending on who you are, they will most likely forgive after a while and they may not directly approach the situation but they’ll gradually make their way back into your life. The culprit may beg them for forgiveness but it’s all up to the leo to decide whether or not they want to trust the person again.

Virgo: Virgos can actually be quite ridiculously vengeful and stubborn when someone has wronged them. They can have a very huge God complex about themselves and your best bet would be to apologize in the sense where you tell them they’re always right. They can be very finicky and they may not take revenge immediately but there’s no doubt that they will avenge their wrong. They’re definitely a sign that never forgets and they will grow vengeful and cold towards a person who did them wrong. They will make you feel so pathetic about yourself because of what you’ve done and they’ll become insanely critical. Their revenge is never a dramatic show, it’s quite simple but they make sure it hits the person in the deepest spot. They can manipulate the person in such a way to get them to beg for forgiveness, as this sign loves to feel in control of others. Their tactics are more verbal than physical but their words cut deeper than wounds and will leave a person regretting it every day.

Libra: Libra’s are normally seen as just and haters of conflict but once it comes to someone wronging them, they can actually take lots of joy in creating drama. They’re not angered easily and it will take a lot for you to get on their bad side but if you hurt them in such a way where they’ve been humiliated in front of others, they’ll most likely not ignore it. Their anger is not something that is acted out like a fire sign, their anger is actually quite controlled and never really harsh. If you hurt a Libra, they usually take revenge by bitching about the situation and spreading rumors. The thing with Libra’s is that you will never truly know they are hurt. They like to make it look like they’re chill about it but they will waste no time in making the situation known to their friends/peers. They may also stick around by you, but your trust will never be 100% with them again, even if they make it seem like it. 

Scorpio: If you ever wrong a scorpio, your best bet is to honestly change countries or go into hiding. They will go years and years without forgiving, at that. They will seriously make you wish you were never born and they will go to utterly ruthless ends to make your life miserable. Scorpio is a sign that has a hard time forgiving in general and their reaction to any kind of wronging thrown at them can be quite venomous and cold. They are incredibly loyal and who knows why someone would ever choose to wrong them and they are incredibly aware of this. They will grow strongly vindictive and will make you regret it every day of your life without ever forgiving you, therefore making it endless torture. They very much enjoy watching the person beg and surrender to them, as like Virgo, they love to feel in control of people, and yet they’ll never accept it. Scorpios love to believe that they’re secret agents of karma and they very much believe in hitting back ten times harder to someone who as wronged them. Their sting is worse than their bite and their wicked emotions are very much driven by their dark side, which is a side you never want to be the victim of.

Sagittarius: These natives are usually a very happy-go-lucky sign who never takes things too personally. If you do somehow find a way to hurt these individuals, their reaction will most likely be on the spot and impulsive, but never with too much bloodshed. Since they are a fire sign, their emotions are like wild fires and hurting them in any which way can push them to release the madness within, but it never truly lasts. This sign is truly all about forgiveness and moving on and they don’t have the time of day to dwell on things. They’re all about second chances but they will tend to be very cautious of you for a while until your trust is fully gained again. These individuals can be very stubborn and set in their ways and they can become very verbal and loud in their reactions and may feel more superior than the other as if they never do any wronging’s. They have an uncanny ability to see two sides of an argument and they will debate until the other gives up. Don’t expect mercy right away with these folks, but they’re never ones to hold a grudge or put sequels to revenge. 

Capricorn: Capricorns are naturally very proud people who are not afraid to get vengeful when someone has wronged them. Forgiving easily with such things is not typically in their nature and when it comes to plotting revenge, they do so in a very methodical way with as little emotion involved as possible. They are naturally very clear-minded and focused when pondering ideas and they will go to great lengths in thinking something up. They have undying loyalty for the important people in their life and if someone has ever wronged them, you can expect them to be quite brutal. They will take complete separation from you in order to feel the pain out, and because of their pride, they will never show you their pain when it comes time for them to seek revenge. They will do it as unemotional as possible and they will completely drop you from their life. Their revenge is a one time thing and they will leave the person regretting. It is very unlikely that they will forgive you, especially if you were so close to them, but if you mattered a great deal to them, they may just change their mind at the last minute.

Aquarius: Aquarius is a fixed side, who is very set in their ways and stubborn, so don’t expect them to see your side easily or forgive. Although they are not so much in a hurry to take their revenge, they will definitely cut you off completely, even if they somehow wind up forgiving you. Aquarius is a very detached sign by nature and they will most likely tell themselves they do not care about what happened, even if they know it deeply wounded them. They’re not ones to take peoples crap easily and they will carry the hate against the person who has wronged them for as long as they wish. Aquarian’s are not the most rational out of the signs and if they decide that their intuition is telling them to run, they’ll do just that. But, if you are lucky, and the Aquarian’s intuition tells them that forgiving is better for their soul, then you may just get lucky, even if it takes time for them to fully feel the same around you. Like Gemini’s, it really just comes down to what feels better for them, personally. 

Pisces: This whimsical sign may not always seem like a threat, but once you have securely gotten on their bad side, they can have a whole other wicked side to them. They are a dual water sign, who happens to be one of the most sensitive out of all the signs, and because of that, they can become quite vengeful. They’re very easily offended and hurt but they will never show it. Even though they don’t show it easily, on the inside they could be finding ways to pretty much plot your death. Because they’re a dual sign, they can be very indecisive on what fish they let come out to play. They’re naturally a very compassionate sign who may feel like they’re as equally bad a person if they wrong the person back, and they may just end up forgiving the person without taking much revenge. But, like Aquarius, they depend heavily on intuition, and if they feel like a person is giving them bad vibes, they will waste no time in dropping you completely before there even has to be conflict. On the other hand, if the more wicked side of a pisces comes out, they will not be so forgiving. They can give into their dark side very easily and they will think of any which way to get their revenge on you. But, if they have any sort of soft spot for you, they may just change their minds at the last minute.

A woman let her dog shit on the airport floor. So I shit on her plans.

While walking to my gate at LAX, I noticed a woman whose dog was in the middle of doing its business. The woman was loudly face-timing with her back to the dog, so I assumed she didn’t notice. That was likely the thought shared by the gentleman who tried to get her attention.

“Excuse me, miss?” he said, in a polite tone. The woman glared at him. “Your dog,” he sheepishly continued, pointing to the mid-poop pup.

The woman rolled her eyes and went back to face time as the man slinked away, seemingly embarrassed.

“Some people,” she bellowed to her face-time companion with no hint of irony, “are just so damned rude.”

When her dog finished, the woman started walking away, leaving everything right on the airport floor. Another woman tried to stop her.

“You’re not going to clean that up?” she asked, as shocked as the rest of us were.

“They have people for that,” the offender replied, disappearing into the crowd, as much as someone yelling into their phone can disappear into a crowd.

I stood near the pile and warned people to walk around it while someone else got a maintenance worker’s attention. No one said anything – we were so shocked that anyone could be that horrible.

When I got to my gate, the woman was there, too. Great – we were both going to Tokyo. When I travel abroad, I get embarrassed by other Americans doing things one hundred times less embarrassing than leaving animal feces on the floor of an airport. To make it worse, her dog was now barking at everyone who walked by.

I have nothing against people flying with their dogs, I do it often. But it is a privilege I take seriously. My dog is well-trained and behaves better than most people. He certainly behaves better than that a**hole.

Speaking of a**holes, there is a pet relief area inside LAX, past security, just two gates away from where The Party Pooper let her dog go to town. It didn’t matter - she was the type of person to litter three feet from an empty garbage can.

While her dog barked at the world, the woman had moved from face-timing with no headphones to listening to music with no headphones. I don’t like to throw around the word “sociopath” but I don’t know how else I could explain just how selfish and terrible of a person she was. I’d bet her car was somewhere in long-term parking, parked across three spots with paint on the bumper from the child’s bike she hit without leaving a note.

Everyone else tried to ignore her, sitting as far away from her as they could. I am not everyone else.

I sat down right next to the horrible woman. “Are you going to London on business?” I said.

“I’m going to Tokyo,” she responded gruffly, annoyed that I interrupted her DJing.

“Oh, I said. Then you better hurry. That flight got moved to gate 53C. This is the flight to London.”

I figured I could give her a little moment of panic as payback for how terribly she was treating everyone. I didn’t predict what would happen next. She grabbed her bags and her dog in a huff, and stormed out of the gate without even checking. She was so self-involved, she didn’t notice that the monitor at our gate still said Tokyo and almost everyone at the gate was Japanese.

Based on her actions, she believed me that the flight had been moved, so she’s also an asshole for not thanking me. “Some people,” I thought as I watched her rush away from the gate without stopping her, “are just so damned rude.”

The flight to Tokyo was at gate 69A, so the 53 gates were on the other side of the next terminal. And I felt guilty knowing she probably berated some poor clerk who had to explain to her that there was no gate 53C.

I don’t know if she made it back to this flight before we took off or not, but I didn’t see her board and I don’t hear her dog. Her missing her flight was not my original intention, but it would be a fine punishment for her being so rude to everyone and making a low-paid stranger clean feces off the floor. What makes me wonder if I went too far is the knowledge that Delta only has one flight to Tokyo each day. Whoops.

Maybe she can re-book on another airline. I hear they have people for that.