things I wish someone had told me when I was recently coming to terms with being a woman who isn’t straight:
1) if your first relationship with a girl is messy and you don’t know how to go about it because you had little to no models of healthy w/w relationships around you, and you struggle and struggle and it doesn’t work out and ends badly, it doesn’t mean you’re straight or should’ve stayed straight. it doesn’t mean you’re never going to be happy with a woman. if your first experience, or second experience, or third experience with women isn’t the rosy picture of bliss without any problems or struggles that you pictured it would be, it just means you’re human. don’t hold the concept of relationships with other women up on a pedestal to be perfection; it’s wonderful and great to be with women but it might not save you from the things that are wrong in your life like you fantasized about when you were first coming to grips with your sexuality and it definitely won’t be without struggle because interpersonal relationships aren’t ever without struggle and growth and change.
2) that feeling of panic and “I’m going to be alone forever I’m never going to find another woman who loves me or “I’m not xyz like other gay/bi girls why would anyone want to be my girlfriend” is a normal feeling. no, you aren’t going to be alone forever, but feeling that way is something that nearly every one of us goes through.
3) you may find yourself idolizing the first relationship you have with another woman, you’re so relieved to have that “I’m going to be alone forever” feeling gone and that your sexuality is Real and Validated that you put all of your eggs in that basket and forget that there’s even a possibility of it ending. you might find yourself terrified of that one relationship ending, or have it end and feel like you can’t be alive anymore because the happiness had been so intense. if you’re someone who is also attracted to men, you might feel like these feelings are more intense or more overpowering than any time you’ve been in love before. if you aren’t attracted to men this might have been the first time you felt that way about anyone. and you might find yourself feeling irrationally paranoid that someone’s going to take it away from you. if you break up with your first girlfriend you might find yourself more depressed or angry than you’ve ever been about a breakup before. you’re going to be ok even if this relationship ends. you don’t just get one chance at happiness with a woman. it’s like any other breakup, it’ll suck but you will be alright. take a step back. realize what is healthy and unhealthy about the ways you are dealing. make new ties, heal, grow.
3) if a woman ever treats you abusively it’s ok to call it abuse, and some people in your so-called radical women’s spaces are going to ostracize you for it like the hypocrites they are. some so-called radicals especially in certain separatist spaces are gonna push logic that tells u that abuse is a “just a straight people thing”, that being/staying with a girl is something you do to be radical, not to be happy, and if you “really love women” then gay relationships won’t require any work and will automatically last forever / last longer / be healthy - those are lies, those are idealizations. although yes heterosexuality can propagate more chance of abuse due to misogyny, abuse is not Just a straight people thing, anyone can be an abuser. your abuser doesn’t get let off the hook because she’s also a woman. call it abuse. cut ties with the people who try to push back against that. cut ties with the people who tell you that your sexuality is better as a function of radicalness than of building happy, healthy relationships. realize that any relationship will take work and have flaws. make new ties, heal, grow.
4) it’s ok to not be experienced and to not know what to do. not knowing how flirting, dating, sex, etc is going to be and being nervous about that is a place where all of us are at one point - lesbians and bi women aren’t a herd of super confident, experienced people who are all going to laugh at you or turn you down because you don’t know what you’re doing. it can be intimidating to put yourself out there but you’re allowed to exist in the LGBT dating world / social scene without being experienced, I know that’s a common worry.
5) you don’t have to be attracted to every gay girl you meet, that’s not a reason to second guess your attraction to women. you don’t have to be attracted to or say yes to first girl who asks you out or flirts with you. you don’t have to fall in love with the first girl you like, or the first girl you date. you might feel pressured to hurry up and get into a relationship with a woman, once again to “validate” or “prove” your sexuality but you don’t have to rush to do that. if you come out and don’t find a woman you want to be in a serious relationship with for years that’s ok. if you’re sexually attracted to women and you come out and you don’t have your first sexual experience with a woman for age that’s ok. you should go on dates with / have sex with / get into relationships with people because you’re attracted to them, you want to, you’re excited about it, not because you’re trying to fill a hole where you think certain experiences should go ASAP. if Get A Girlfriend Right Now is your core goal you’re going to end up forcing yourself into interactions that aren’t sincere, which is not only dishonest but also doesn’t help at ALL with the whole second-guessing if you like women internalized homophobia thing.
6) if you have unrequited feelings for someone you’re not evil, you’re not pathetic and you’re not going to spend your whole life unhappy and stuck. best friends, straight women, people who live far away from you.. sometimes it can seem like you can’t seem to fall for someone in your reach. that’s normal too. you won’t be stuck forever. and you aren’t terrible, you aren’t predatory or a burden, your feelings aren’t a curse on those around you. you’re a person.
this is is ok to reblog and add on to if you have other tips / things that you want to say; I just wanted to make a post reaching out to women who a) recently realized their sexuality, b) have known their sexuality but don’t have much experience or c) are feeling isolated or unsure of themselves.
Having an alternate viewpoint does not necessarily diminish intelligence. If I said that Jesus rode dinosaurs on a flat, 6,000 year old earth, you might have a case. But even if I was wrong about what I said, I don’t think it makes me a bad person, nor an unintelligent one. Perhaps if I give you insight into how I came to my opinion.
Most of my closest friends are women. I didn’t do that on purpose, it just kind of happened that way. They tell me about daily accounts of sexism, misogyny, and harassment. Men in their workplace disregarding their opinions. Men on the street making explicit catcalls. One of my friends signed up for OkCupid and for no other reason than she is attractive, she got a few hundred messages asking her for sex. Those were the first messages people sent. They didn’t even try to break the ice. There was no, “Do you like mudkips?” They just went straight to (paraphrasing) “I would like to intermingle our genitals. If you don’t want to, you are a slut.”
I look at the youtube comments of any female personality and they are littered with men making salacious comments. I have a friend who sometimes points out sexism on her blog. When I did it… I got comments like yours. “I’m disappointed in you.” When she does it… she gets called every female pejorative. She gets rape and death threats. Why so polite to me and so evil to her? It seems even people’s outrage is sexist.
I can count the number of times I have been victimized by misandry on my vagina. But my friends have to put up with this crap all the time. And most of the time they have no choice but to swallow it and try and go about their day. I certainly have a lot of my own problems, but I have never had to deal with anything like that.
My opinion is based on my experiences and the accounts of my dearest friends. I know I was a bit general and anecdotal in my original post, but It is the conclusion I came to and I stand by it.
I think the first thing you should do is realize that having problems is not a competition. There is always someone who has it worse. There is a starving kid in Africa that everyone likes to tell me about. His problems are apparently much worse than my problems, therefore I no longer have any problems.
Things you perceive as no big deal can still have a tremendous emotional impact on others. We are all built differently and have different capacities to handle stress. Maybe they just want attention, but there is also the possibility that they just can’t handle what they are going through, no matter how insignificant you think it may be.
If they are reaching out to their support system to handle their issues, then you should let them do that. As long as they are not hurting anyone, I don’t see an issue. If I were you, I would focus on yourself and try to work out whatever challenges life has thrown at you. You’ve got more important things to do than leave hateful comments.
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